Hi I'm new,i live with mum she is in the angry stage but she doesn't seem to moving forward

[kitkat6478]

It's so hard , I'm the only one she can talk to and she is angry at everything and telling me she just wishes it was 'all over' cos she doesn't want to go through treatment if shes just gonna die anyway

[kitkat6478]

Me with more I'm in WA and my mum has just been diagnosed with bladder cancer. However removal is her only option. Unfortunately both docs she has seen are now on holiday and we are waiting their return so we know the results from the bone scan to see if it has invaded outside the bladder. This is the another sleepless nite for me. I can hear her awake in the next room. Cos she only crys when she knows no one is around. She's not coping just seeing this as a big inconvenience to her work. Its too much for me right now as she refuses to talk to anyone else and isn't moving on from the angry stage. She too is a smoker but refuses to give up as it's her only joy. She is only 58. I hate the waiting for the f-ing docs , and she won't let anyone go to any appointments with her so we only know what she tells us . Which isn't much. Slowly other things keep coming out. I saw her watching the operation on YouTube the other day , too much information I think.

[#3]

Hi kitkat6478, I'm new on here too and also living with Mum (or rather Mum's stuck here with us throughout treatment).. Cancer is hard for everyone involved, no one would deny that.. But Man.. , When It's in your life you realize it's harder than you could ever imagine.. It's just so ? constant!!! I was about to say "try talking to her".. But that's a dumb thing to say, If you could, you would have already.. My Mum won't snap out of anything unless I've become a heaving blob of desperation tears, and even then there's a new obstacle within a matter of days. I dunno? I think she's given up, she's certainly not living.. All I can say is keep up the good fight for your mum, she can't, and she'll see you, appreciate you, even if not right away, she will in time.. Sorry about my comer addiction, I breathe a lot..

[storm]

Hi kitkat6478 It sounds really hard for you dealing with your mum, her closing off from you, the hidden crying, tip toeing around. Try contacting the hospital or the sectretary of the doctor, find out if there are any social workers associated with her case or support that may be available for you to talk to (if not for your mum) Some information under The Beyound Blue site under depression - helping others "It's not always easy to help someone who may be experiencing depression. It can be hard to know what to say or do. Below are some tips. •Talk to the person about how they're feeling. •Listen to what the person says - sometimes, when a person wants to talk, they're not always seeking advice, but just need to talk about their concerns. •Maintain eye contact and sit in a relaxed position - positive body language will help both people feel more comfortable. •Use open-ended questions such as "So tell me about...?" which require more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer. This is often a good way to start a conversation. •If conversation becomes difficult or if the person with depression gets angry, stay calm, be firm, fair and consistent and don't lose control. •Often, just spending time with the person lets them know someone cares and understands them. •Encourage the person to seek professional help from their family doctor or a mental health worker. •Take care of yourself. Supporting someone with depression can be demanding. Family and friends should take 'time out' to look after themselves." Dealing with grief - especially long term stuff. Its difficult It can be worked with takes effort and sometimes its too much, sometimes you will fall on you face & why bother. Look for support. Try The Cancer Council 13 1120 where to go for support (I got this from a flyer from Beyond Blue). Life line - some counsellors may not be your bent, some you will 'connect with" on a personal level Hugs for whereever you are Geoff

[#5]

Hi Kitkat, I agree with Geoff - it's some good advice. A couple more things that I'd like to add: *as an individual who's been on the other side you often feel that you want to close off to protect those you love -even though it does make it harder for those around you. Cancer shakes the foundation of our "normal"life and there are alot of things that you have to work through on some deep levels. Unfortunatly, these are issues that your mum has to work through by her self. I know it can be frustrating from the outside, but please dont feel any responsibility for the decisions or direction she's going in. Just offer support if she feels she needs it and your love. Also, anger can be a good thing if directed approriatly. for example, anger at the lack of response from doctors can be used to drive your mum to take responsibility for her own health (because the docs arn't) and make improvements in it. I wish both you and your mum peace.

[SILLY]

Hi, You have been given some good suggestions ,some of which will help even if not straight away. As for your mother's smoking -she probably sees it as something she does to cope with stress,even though it's not helping . To many smokers a cigarette is their only friend when things are going badly. The cigarette doesn't argue with you ,tell you what to do ,say things you don't want to hear.It's there when you want it. If you have never been a smoker this sounds silly ,but many smokers or former ones could relate to it. She ought to stop and she knows that but she is probably going through too many emotions to be able to take control of that whilst the cancer has thrown all into chaos. I hope things will improve when the doctors get to do something for your mum.The waiting for positive action is extremely hard .I hope she takes their advice . I also think you can get advice for yourself if you ring the Cancer Council. Even a phone chat on their helpline will make you feel better. They are truly wonderful.

[Just_Me]

My brother cared for our mother and only now has started revealing just how difficult it was for him and her. I wish he'd told me so that I could have helped. If you've got other family around or friends who can help let them know so that they can help you and her. It's so hard for the both of you and I wish you both much strength.