I don't know what to do

Highlighted
Occasional Visitor

I don't know what to do

Hey guys I have just turned 23 and about 6 years ago my wonderful mother has a stroke and about two months ago she called me at work and told me she has lung cancer that has spread to her limpnods and her liver I have move back to her and now I have to find a job and a house to live in and I just don't know how to feel or what to do can someone please explain what and how to feel and if this is normal I just don't know if it is Okay to cry or do I just hold them back and be a strong youngan for my mother's sake I'm just so confused 

10 REPLIES 10
Highlighted
Frequent Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

No Brodie, it is definitely NOT ok to hold your feelings back. If you need to , or feel that urge to cry, just let it all hang out.

Your only 23. Your mum has been dealt a bitter blow, firstly a stroke, which is life changing in itself, but now cancer a second blow. Your mum has a great & supportive daughter, in you. She is going to need you for support & intern you will begin to rely on her.

 

Everyone is different in the way that they deal with things, being real is the only true way that you can both benefit. If you see her do dumb things that make you want to laugh, laugh. If she is in pain or scared and you feel the need to cry, then cry.

 

Remember just be yourself. Your mother is your mother & she will know when you are being insincere (fake).

 

Best of luck Brodie, I hope you & mum come through this well together.

 

 

Highlighted
Frequent Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

Hi Brodie, you absolutely can cry.  I cry all the time, bc of my husbands cancer.  I don’t see my kids cry but they must.  You don’t have to do it in front of her.  You can do it privately.  We are here for you if you need to vent.  My thoughts are with you and your mom.  🙏🏻❤️

Highlighted
New Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

Hi Brodie, pls let it all out, not in front of her probably because she needs to see that you are strong. I am currently in the same boat as you are, Mom got diagnosed with breast cancer last January which has spread to her lungs already. I am the one accompanying her to all her hospital appointments and her day to day support now and I can see that she is happy that I am around looking after her. I am scared, I am fearful of what can happen sooner or later and this COVID situation is not helping too but I need to be healthy so I am in my right mind and reason when doctors discuss things with me but I let myself breakdown every night. You are not alone in this, I am not sure how spiritual you are but praying has been helping me cope with the stress and burden of my family situation now. Pls take care and vent it out here if you need to just let it all out. We are here for you. 

Highlighted
Frequent Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

Aia, I’m sorry you are going thru such a hard scary time with your mom also.  Your post to Brodie was beautiful and true.  I totally believe you need to cry.  I cried in front of my husband when he was first told of his diagnosis, and maybe a couple times after.  But now I just cry away from him, so he doesn’t see or hear.  I usually wait till I go to my moms, at night.  I feel bad letting it all out there but I don’t have many choices.  I’m either with him all day and can’t do it then so it’s my mom who has to see me all red eyed and flustered or a mess.  But you absolutely got one thing right, we are hear for everyone who needs us. Big or small.  We all need someone right!  Please take care of yourselves and always know you need to vent, we are here.  I have many times, my husband was really mean and I would just right and feel a little bit of relief.  Take care.  Stay healthy and I hope to hear from you both soon.  
Traci-Rene’e ❤️

Highlighted
Frequent Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

0B932989-E85F-4240-8EA5-1C7354A3500D.jpeg

Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
New Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

Hi Tracee, sending you virtual hugs. i am really sorry about your husband, I pray he recovers well with his treatment. My Mom is taking more on the palliative care route, no chemo or radiation therapy for her so as much as I want to be hopeful I am accepting it day by day now that she is ready to go. I was just talking to my friends earlier and I told them that this is something they dont teach u in school, no matter how I convince myself that it is okay to let her go soon I don't know if there will come a day that I won't feel the devastation. I keep on reminding myself that everyone will pass on including me but yea, the emotional turmoil of this all is driving me nuts and I always pray for the day that I wake up and feel better about it. As I type this now, Mom is having a hard time breathing, looks like we have to go to the hospital again tomorrow and I need to wear my I-am-strong mask on. We will all make this through some way or the other and I wish we all come out stronger after this ordeal. While I promote letting it all out, pls pls pls stay healthy and look after yourself. Again, you are not alone in this and I am thinking of you.

Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Frequent Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

Hi Aia, thank you for your kind words, especially when you are going thru so much yourself.  My husband has stage 4 Appendix cancer, that has metastasized.  Unfortunately my kids have just heard the terrible news in January 15th.  My daughter then asked how long her daddy has.  The dr just shook his head and said I’m sorry, I truly am, but I just don’t know how long he has.
He is 56, I’m 51.  We’ve been together 28 years. My life is not what it use to be.  My husband doesn’t know anything.  He chose he doesn’t want to know anything other than he has cancer.  So that’s what he knows and doesn’t know how bad😪.  Which is killing me inside bc I know everything.  I lost my dad in 2007, and miss him dearly.  He was 60.  Cancer sucks... it sucks for our loved ones who have it, it sucks for their family who I’d dying inside, bc we can’t make anything better. Or caregivers of loved ones.  We all need each other to vent. I believe strongly that talking really helps.  Please stay healthy your self.  I’m so sorry you are going thru all this, I hope you have a support system.  Like siblings, family or good friends.  Where are you located?  I’m outside of Boston mass.  Please keep in touch.  ❤️

Reply
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's condition, it must be really shocking and painful for you after finding your mother's diagnosis. But it is the time to be strong and give mental support and lot s of love to your mother. This way she can feel somewhat better. 

Well, it is better to cry out loud sometimes in such situations and open your heart to someone you can rely on. You are very young to go through such circumstances I hope you can handle the situation well and be the warm shoulder for your mother. I'll pray for her so that she can bear the pain, take care of her and yourself too.

Best of luck & lots of love!

Highlighted
New Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

Hi Tracee,

How are you doing? I hope you are well. 

Apologies I havent been active, my beautiful Mom got really sick around Holy Week and peacefully passed away last Apr 22nd after 9 days in the hospital. The metastasized cancer in her lungs caused difficulty breathing and after a lung surgery to fix it up she got pneumonia/sepsis and never recovered anymore. Our family is coping well so far although I am still grieving and crying every now and then, but she had a peaceful passing surrounded by all of us in the family when it happened. We are all relived that all the anxieties she had on whether she will still respond to treatment and our anxieties on how we can best care for her and all sorts of fear are now gone. I try to convince myself that God can love her more than we can and maybe it is His Way of saving her from Covid-19, who knows! But we take comfort knowing that she is resting in peace now and maybe reunited with my grandparents and her siblings now. It aches to move on and carry on with life knowing that there will always be that physical presence missing going forward. They said time heals but i dont think it will in this case and I just need to adapt living without her physically around anymore. I look forward to the day that it wont be as painful but reading other forums, they said the grief comes in waves and if it is, so be it. One thing which still makes me sad is because of the lockdown situation, there are no flowers available in the market. Luckily my Dad had some flowering trees in our backyard and my sister and I made a bouquet with whatever was available on her cremation day. We couldn't even hold a funeral service so friends and relatives can say bye to her coz no one can come anyway and we had to decide that we will just do straight cremation and then memorial seevice later on when the world is back to normal. Mom's urn is still in our house now, we couldnt move it in her columbarium yet so I just talk to her every now and then and imagine what she would have said. 

Reply
0 Kudos
Post new topic
Talk to a health professional
Cancer Council support and information 13 11 20Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm
Cancer Information and Support

Online resources and support

Access information about support services, online resources and a range of other materials.

Caring for someone with cancer?

Find out what resources and support services are available to assist you.