I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others who are in the same situation.

[Tamara]

My name is Tamara, I'm married and have two beautiful children. My Dad has struggled with a tumour on his tongue for two years now and we have just been told the devastating news that it is back. My world has stopped, I loath people around me smiling and having fun, I think how dare you go about your life, when mine is falling apart. I never had Grandparents and my Dad is the best "Poppie" to my kids, I never dreamt that he would be be around for my kids. Who is going to play guitar to them? Sing to them? Teach music to them? Get excited about a painting or read stories to them!!!! I don't want my husbands Dad to be there for my kids I want mine!!!! You would think a 18 hour operation on his face to try and cut the tumour out, after an intense amount of chemo and radiation a year before would have worked and gotten rid of it for good!!!! What am I going to do? What's my mother going to do? The love of her life whom she met when she was 12 is deteriorating before her. The once strong, masculine, bold, wise, handsome and healthy man my brother and mother knew is fading away..... How do you go on??? How do you? If anyone has read this please I'd love to communicate with you???? X

[tatsoi]

hi Tamara, so very sorry to hear about your dad. It's such a terribly sad thing. What do you do?!! my dad also has cancer and it's been the most awful awful thing i've ever experienced. He has an aggresive brain tumour. what i try to do is this: spend as much time as i can with him and bring his grand daughter (my daughter) to visit. I visit him at his place and organised little mini breaks away at the beach. I phone him up and talk to him and always tell him I love him. I cry. lots sometimes. sometimes i just cradle my sadness gently and let it be - because it's the love i feel for him. i try to look after myself..walking, yoga. i go and see a cousellor and talk about it. i come to this forum...(though i don't always write much) i try not to think too much into the future...about how things will be... I try to be in the now...because right now he's here...though he isn't always feeling that great..sometimes he is. there's no escaping the pain...but i know i feel this way because i care and i love him so much. it's a hard journey this one - when someone you love is sick like this. love him up spend lots of time with him (and your mum...) you feel like this because you care. please look after yourself sending love and healing x

[Tamara]

G'day! Thanks so much for talking to me, it's so sad to hear of your news. My heart melted when you said you take your daughter to visit. It's so hard when it comes to the children and I'm truly dreading the conversation that is yet to come...... If you don't mind me asking? How old is your father? Mine is 55 and was truly healthy and very fit for his age. I suppose I envy the conversations you have with your Dad as mine can not talk ;( I miss that very much. Today, like you say, went for a coffee and tried to read a book but got side tracked as there was a 67th birthday party next to me and I was like, why can't that be my Dad? Or a elderly couple having afternoon tea together holding hands and I'm like my parents will never get to have that. I cry and get very jealous of everyone I see who has their Dad or their kids have their Poppie, that's what he is called. What is your Dad called? It's every day for me and most of them are CRAP.... The sun is out today and I wish that he could come out side and enjoy it with me! Thanks so much for your thoughtful and kind words. Tamara 😉

[tatsoi]

hi tamara, my dad is 59. in the first three months after his diagnosis I struggled so much - he is too young to get a prognosis that he did (median survival for his condition is 15 months).it's not fair...why can't he get to be an old man ??... it's not right, it's not how it should be! i guess you probably feel like this too? (and your dad is even younger) i also felt sad when i saw gentle older men peacefully going about their days. i felt so much loss. I guess I still feel this loss...but I'm beginning to realise that people get sick and die at any age....it's awful...painful. My dad is called 'grandpa'and sometimes Jon (his name) my eyes and heart fill with tears when I'm now remembering him in the hospital a few days after his craniotomy and just after the surgeon gave us the heartbreaking news...and he said ' i just want to see my grandchildren growing up...and I'm doing that'... children are so healing...I'm so glad I have my beautiful girl who delights me every day...and brings delight to him. He always asks about her. She is only 5. but we let her know what's going on with grandpa. that he has a brain tumour and the doctors are helping him as much as they can. she sees me cry and knows I am sad about grandpa. she asks if he is going to die soon. I tell her the truth ...hopefully not soon, and he's trying his best to stay well for as long as he can. That must be hard not being able to talk with your dad. can he communicate back with you in other ways? do you live nearby to your dad? I live 4-5 hours drive away..I try to visit as much as I can...but wish I was closer. For me the intense anxiety and extreme sadness I felt when he was first diagnosed has eased...I can tolerate it now. I describe it like a rest between contractions when giving birth...I know it will come back...but for now I need to rest a bit...because there is more intense times to come. hope you are going ok. x

[rarsie]

Hi tatsoi and Tamara , I lost my beautiful son to brain tumor on the 21st Sept this year he was just 29, had a 3 yr old son, he will not ever get to be a poppy but he was able to be a dad for 3 yrs.I and him may had not got what I wanted in life but I appreciate and feel blessed to had my son and him to experience been a dad for a short time and to give me a grandson who will live through him for some others aren't so fortunate. Take care and seek the courage and strength from wherever you can Sandra

[Tamara]

Hi, yes you are right , its unfair! It must be so hard for you to live so far away!!! How are you travelling? You ok? You know my Dad said a similar thing to me when we got the final news too. He said " it was a privilege to meet them & at least i got to see them" i burst into tears..... My son is 5 in March and he doesn't know what death is! I brought him a book called 'beginnings & endings with lifetimes in between' its about life and death with animals, plants & people but he still didn't get it. My little girl, she's just turned one, she won't remember him at all and that guts me as dad thinks she is all me and it brings back fatherhood for him. It's very hard for him not to talk he gets really frustrated and I think it's a pride thing as he refuses to write it down. He is distant because of this. I had a really good day with him today he was feeling ok today which is great because if he is feeling good then I am too. Funny that? Your last paragraph is so true!!!! X

[Tamara]

Hello Sandra, My heart goes out to you and your family and I admire you for even having the strength to talk about it so soon after. Gosh I wish I had your courage how do you get up every day (hope you don't mind me asking) how do you find the 'happy' in life after something like this?? How the hell do you do it? Does your grandson call you Nanni or Gramdma? Is he cheeky? I have two children a boy who is 5 in March and a little girl who just turned 1 on Sep 28th! I'm finding it hard explaining what's happening. My son asks his Poppie if he can talk yet! My dad was the most energic & fun man and now he is limp and frail and my son wants so much for his Poppie to play with him. I take my hat off to you Sandra, sending you hugs x

[rarsie]

Hi Tamara, You asked me if my grandson was cheeky, hell yeah. His dad was a free spirit and packed so much into his life, my grandson calls me Ra Ra as do the other grandsons as I dont have a grandaughter.You ask how do you do it. Well love the answer is you have to. Have to get up in the morning have to be there for my adult kids and grandies. I am a person who a lot say I am strong, but I am not they only see me when I am either pretending or am having a good day, I have a wonderful 2nd husband and have a good relationship with Kep's dad. You will survive and you will never be the same, you will learn so much from this horrid disease that takes so many wonderful people like your dad and my beautiful son Love talking to you Sandra

[tatsoi]

Tamara Glad you had nice day with your dad. Yes I can imagine that when your dad is having a goood day you do too. We all affect each other...I try to remember this when I'm visiting my dad, give him good vibes! Have you seen the cancer councils talking to children about cancer booklet? I found the info helpful. Wishing you many more beautiful times with your pa. Sandra Sorry for loss. I can hear the fondness you have for son and grandson in your writing. My dad has the same tumour that your son had. Tomorrow is his first mri since his treatment...fingers crossed. Glad you have a beautiful little boy in your life . He'll love to hear stories about his wonderful dad as he gets older. Xx

[Tamara]

Hi there, No I have not seen that book, although they were really great and sent me some other info on grieving and toddlers, plus a heap of support groups etc Will ask about the other though, how are you doing? X