Dear Sqweege
If only I could give you some 'magic words' that would make this whole process easier for you. I suppose what 'worked' for me and my dad, will not necessarily be OK for you. All I can suggest with your dad not wanting to discuss anything with you is:- Give him a hug (if he will let you) and just tell him that you will be there for him whenever HE wants to talk about his fears and concerns.
The thought crossed my mind that maybe he is seeking solace with his g/f and appears to pushing you away, because he just cant stand to see the pain in you and your brothers eyes! I'm sure he realises what a devastating effect this is having on everyone. Rest assured that if he love you both BEFORE cancer, then he still loves you both now!
I can actually look at the whole cancer experience 'from both sides' - from losing parents to cancer and now, from ME being the patient!!
My mum and dad were given no treatment options, so thank god I didnt have to watch them suffer through chemo! I, on the other hand, have had IV chemo and now undergoing a course of oral chemo as we speak. I DO know what your dad is going through, the unbelievable tiredness that swamps our bodies, the grumpiness, the feeling of being hit by a MAC truck!!!
Apparently I too was grumpy with my partner (so he says, haha!). I would have my chemo on a Monday, then every Wednesday morning, I would be in the middle of my morning coffee and just burst into tears FOR NO REASON! He tried to take really good care of me, repeatedly asking me what I wanted to eat, if I wanted coffee, etc but I just felt so crap that after saying 'I dont want anything' for the 3rd time, I would get grumpy, tell him to leave me alone - then HE would get upset 'cause he was only trying to help, then I would get upset 'cause I upset him! And so, the vicious circle just went 'round and round'. I will say though, this only lasted a couple of days, but then would be repeated after each cycle of chemo.
There is an old saying - 'we only hurt the ones we love' and I found this to be so true whilst undergoing chemo (speaking from my OWN experience of course!)
I guess Sqweege, what I am trying to say amongst all of the above ramblings is - dont be afraid to show your dad that YOU are hurting. Dont be afraid to cry in front of him, or with him. You are not letting you or him down by crying in front of him, you are just being a normal, loving daughter, who cares deeply for her dad. If he 'pushes you away', dont stay away - just tell him that you are 'here for the long haul!'.
Remember that he loves you, but this is just his way of trying to deal with what is happening to him. He knows he is dying and now he has had a taste of the medicine that will try to prolong his life, but unfortunately, whilst doing 'its job' - is going to make him sicker! Life is a 'real b..ch' at times, but you will get through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is all so overwhelming at the start of the 'whole cancer' process, but you will have good days ahead.
Treasure you dad while you have him, be prepared for him to be a bit grumpy - CRY AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, and look forward to the 'good days' that WILL surface soon.
My heart is with you. Take care and dont be afraid to be normal, I just cant emphasise this enough. Dont try to be 'the macho' someone that you're obviously not!
Di xoxo (big hugs to you) (always here if you want to 'chat'!)