My girlfriend has stage 4 breast cancer

[NeidennX]

Hi! My girlfriend and I started on February last year and on March she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, she went through hormone theraphy for around 3 months and then she was scheduled for a double mastectomy, she went through that and a month after her doctor told her that she needed pteventive chemotherapy for a couple of months, that was shocking to us since after the surgery her soctor told us that they removed the whole disease and that chemo was not needed, but then she mentioned the thing about the preventive chemo, anyway, before the chemo the doctors need a full CAT Scan and an MRI, after this they found a out that the cancer moved to her spine, since apparently the surgeon didn't mentioned us that the cancer had mutated and moved to her right arm ganglia, so the surgeon remove almost all them during the mastectomy, but since the cancer mutated and moved to her ganglia started to move through her blood and then it allocated in her spine only in a few vertebrae so now she's stage 4 and she's been in chemotherapy and inmunotherapy since September last year and now we'll been through a lot of drama but we'll be able to manage it quite well, but i'm struggling with making her happy, or make her laugh or make her feel like... Normal or better, she's always depressed and sad, and she has reason for that, but idk how to deal with this since i feel like every time she's with me she's not being hapoy, she tried several times to break up with me or to convince me to leave her since she doesn't want me to go through this, but it may sound corny but she's the one for me and i love her so much i don't want her to be all alone, can you help me?

I hope you guys could give me some advice, she's 29 and I'm 24

[Frostling]

You and your girlfriend sound like wonderful people to care so much about each other.

Unfortunately, you'll probably not be able to make her feel normal/better or such every time and you know what? This is entirely okay and you are not a bad person or partner to her. Just being there and letting her feel whatever emotions she's going through but letting her know how much you love and support her regardless is utterly fine. I'm sure it won't feel like it is but it truly does helps.

Do you guys have other things that you can do with each other such as Netflix (the happier stuff the better!), board games and crosswords as examples? It's been a great help to my family and I as the worst part of cancer for us is finding a sense of normality or 'comfort zone'.

Going on that - to ease potentially her own fears of what you'll be like if she doesn't survive, try and have a life outside of her and her treatment if you can. The added bonus is that you'll have something more to talk with her about - even if it's something as your dinner with your parents and letting her know what they've been up to or silly moments during the day that made you smile. Helping her keep connections (when she wants to) will no doubt help her lots also.

If you're not able to have family or friends visit or vice versa, perhaps see if your hospital or such offers support groups for people with and/or affected by cancer. It's really important that you both know that you're not alone. 🙂

As a complete random question though, has she had any blood tests and such to check her levels? Done exercise? Has hobbies to amuse herself with? Has she had much sun/outside? I'm not saying all doctors but my current experience is that doctors don't seem to consider complementary treatments/therapies with the medical treatments that they implement. It is amazing and horrifying what can happen to people that end up spending their days cramped inside with shitty food. Just some things to think about in any case - if you get a chance, do google 'complementary cancer treatments'

Hope this helps and best of luck to you and yours 🙂

[NeidennX]

Hi thanks so much for replying back, i feel better now that i know how to deal with this, yes we do watch some british comedies in Netflix, and watch some movie when she's not too tired.

Amd yes the doctor recommended her to do some exercise, in this case only to walk, she has a treadmill but she only does excersice que she doesn't fell exhausted, and we receive some good news on tuesday, and it's that her doctor cancelled her chemos, her last chemo was yesterday so she's optimistic about it, i have to see her on saturday, the good thing is that she's not on the hospital all the time, she's only there the treatment days and after the treatment she goes home, and i really hope she can get a little bit better mentally speaking, she was with a psychologist but she wasn't able to pay it this month because of the physiotherapy expenses every week, but i think she will re take it next month, and i think that now she will be more able to go out with our friends and everything, and actually she always tell me thay i need to go out with my friends and not worry so much about her, but sometimes i feel like i'm not having a good time knowing that she is felling bad. 

[Frostling]

For what it's worth, you really do sound like you're doing all that you can possibly do. The only other thing I can really think of is nutrition - if you're good at cooking, home cooking especially with good anti-cancer foods is always a plus 🙂

As for having fun with your friends when she's not there.... it's incredibly difficult but truly do try and find a way to enjoy yourself.  I don't expect miracles from you as I also find it really difficult to enjoy things with the shadow of cancer seemingly looming over my family and I. But honestly - it has helped me to include things that aren't related to it and it might for you also.  In my case, I started an online course - only 5 minutes every day or so because of my own feelings/turmoil but after a week and a bit, I am not feeling so awful about it and actually beginning to enjoy it.

That being said, this approach may not be for you but do please do give it an honest shot! (Just make sure to take it slow and easy. In the case of friends, maybe a quick 30 minute catch up?)  

 Or if it seems too much of an ask, perhaps consider maybe seeing a psychologist for yourself to help you find a balance between dealing with your gf cancer and your own life.  There is no shame in it!! Mental issues are as important as physical issues and should be treated as such. 🙂

Either way, wishing you plenty of luck and good fortune.