Need someone to talk to

[kaz3161]

Hey Angelicyang. My heart is breaking for you because there is absolutely nothing you can do to take it away. I too had the pain of caring and loving my husband of 30 odd years during his (and mine) battle with brain cancer.He was first diagnosed in 2004 so our battle was long and Hard. The do gooders of the world tell you that at least you have time to say goodbye - but let me tell you that does not make it any better. Its so hard to watch the vibrant person that you feel in love with become a shadow of themselves. The indignity of death and palative care is so hard to deal with, you pretend that it is nothing for the carer to wipe their backsides and feed them but they know. (Death its nothing like the movies is it) I was however lucky that my Mark did not suffer pain as that was one of my biggest fears for him. He took himself off his seizure meds as he didn't like the effect his illness was having on me or our boys. (He had been talking about death for a week or so before that so he knew it was coming) After he stopped all his meds (I think that was the last act of love on his behalf that he could give me) he became much clearer in his thought process but he knew he didn't have long. About a week later he had a seizure. After we got him up and into bed I asked him if he felt alright. He said he did'nt know how he felt. That was the last words he spoke to me. My world is shattered and I prefer to live in my dream world where i think to myself Nah that didn't happen. I do have moments of reality but I can't cope there. My best advice to you is do what makes you and your partner happy. AND BREATH!!! Its such a personal journey and no one can understand how you feel even if they have similar experiences. And as for the dumb f@#* of the world that ask you how things are but you know they really don't want to know the real answer should mind their own business. My love to you and your family but I know that won't make it better. But it is sent with the best of intentions as death from cancer is like an 1000 and 1 emotions and what else can you say but it is poo If i hear one more time things happen for a reason i will scream. What bloody reason????

[peanutz]

Angelicyang, every journey is different. I cared for my partner, Dennis, for 13 months and 3 weeks. He passed away 2 days ago after being diagnosed in early August 2011. I have to say it's not easy at times; but from what I heard from others, mine seems to be quite a pleasant one. You can read more from my blog here. Dennis could look after himself up until 21 September 2012 when he had started to be bed bound after a few falls in one week. I had him home for a few days while being bed bound until Monday 24 Sep. He spent his final 4-5 days in an inpatient palliative care. You can see that I didn't have to suffer looking after him very much at all. The hardest part of this is the emotional side of it. Feeling helpless, feel that I did the best I could but I can't kill the disease for him and now that he's gone I just feel so lonely.