Thoughts from Quail Cottage

[Quail_Cottage]

Hello, I am here because I am feeling very sad about how my brother has been lashing out at me from family difficulties and from his own. I feel I have been his whipping post for months now and have finally put an end to this behaviour by backing out completely from any communication with him. It has taken me a few days to realize that he now does not have a scapegoat and that perhaps another family member might take this role on which is not what I want to see happen. I wish a hospital staff member would advise him to go to counselling but I do not see my brother doing this either. As I am unable to communicate with any other family members due to a huge family rift, I have no idea if it is just me or whether or not we are all experiencing my brother's anger with his situation. **** Chris, you did email me and asked me to reply back but I am not sure how to reply back to you... I would love to hear what your thoughts are on this . thank you, Lynette

[Quail_Cottage]

I realized that what I am trying to say is that I am having a difficult time sorting out the family anger from the anger my brother feels from his situation and distancing myself from both in a way that does not harm my brother- My brother lashed out at me because I mentioned that my daughter will be visiting me and that her son may be with us. Before I had a chance to assure him we would not come if there were any chance of germs, he lashed out at me as though I were a complete idiot yelling that none of us are welcome if my grandson is with us as my grandchildren carry a lot of germs from daycare. I have told my brother time and time again that I would not visit unless I were germ free. His anger has a need to make me feel really stupid about myself. So I wrote a simple email telling him I was sorry I upset him and that perhaps it is best I do not telephone or email; that he knows I have his best interest at heart and to take care... I am nervous I may lash back now because I have been his whipping post for months now. \so now I feel I have abandoned my brother when he needs me the most.. Quail Cottage

[gn21]

As sad as cancer is, and as understandable the anger is, I do not think we have the right to lash out at people, most of whom are trying to help. I know it sounds hard, but bad behavior is bad behaviour regardless. Your email sounds like a good plan and I hope he responds to it. And maybe it's ok if you do lash out back at him. As a stage 4 cancer person I do understand where he is coming from, but he still needs to understand the consequences and impact of his behaviour. Apologies if you and others think I am being too,tough on your brother. But if he behaves like this it,won't just be you he pushes away, and he may end up very alone. Gail

[Quail_Cottage]

Thank you Gail and Chris for your responses; and for your thoughts Gail. I have shown compassion, patience, love, understanding and continuous support . Not once have I lashed back . I have not heard back from him since I told him I would no longer phone or email as I had upset him, with my apologies around this. I did not feel I should apologize but I had hoped he would see how hurtful he is with this behaviour to me or others and give it some thought and perhaps eventually come back with an email or phone call but he has not. This of course has made me feel even sadder. All I can do now is call the hospital and have updates on how he is. I have seen so much suffering in the Cancer Lodge it has opened up a entirely new awareness for me . This year I seem to be surrounded by family, friends and yes, recently, animals, who are in the throes of this terrible illness.. my heart and prayers go out to everyone battling this . my love to you all, Lynette from Quail Cottage in Qualicum Beach, BC. Canada.