Thank you Gail and Chris for your responses;
and for your thoughts Gail. I have shown compassion, patience,
love, understanding and continuous support . Not once have I
lashed back . I have not heard back from him since I told him I would no longer phone or email as I had upset him, with my apologies
around this. I did not feel I should apologize but I had hoped he
would see how hurtful he is with this behaviour to me or others and
give it some thought and perhaps eventually come back with an
email or phone call but he has not. This of course has made me feel
even sadder. All I can do now is call the hospital and have updates on how he is.
I have seen so much suffering in the Cancer Lodge it has opened up
a entirely new awareness for me . This year I seem to be surrounded by family, friends and yes, recently, animals, who are in the throes
of this terrible illness.. my heart and prayers go out to everyone
battling this . my love to you all, Lynette from Quail Cottage in Qualicum Beach, BC. Canada.
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I realized that what I am trying to say is that I am having a
difficult time sorting out the family anger from the anger my brother feels from his situation and distancing myself from both in a way that does not harm my brother-
My brother lashed out at me because I mentioned that my daughter will be visiting me and that her son may be with us. Before I had a chance to assure him we would not come if there were any chance of germs, he
lashed out at me as though I were a complete idiot yelling that none of us are welcome if my grandson is with us as my grandchildren carry a lot of germs from daycare. I have told my brother time and time again that I would not visit unless I were germ free.
His anger has a need to make me feel really stupid about myself.
So I wrote a simple email telling him I was sorry I upset him and that perhaps it is best I do not telephone or email; that he knows I have his best interest at heart and to take care...
I am nervous I may lash back now because I have been his whipping post for months now.
\so now I feel I have abandoned my brother when he needs me the most..
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thank you, yes I would love to talk about this as I have been
left with feelings of huge despondency and guilt -my brother is in
hospital this week having the bone marrow cell transplant. He has
wonderful friends over there and of course his caring brother who is the donor. We don't know how this is going to go. It has been a
terrible journey up to now for him and he is not in the best of
strength or spirits but we have managed to keep lines open re
communication and love. There is a lot of family stuff going on and
I feel that the travelling brother may have said something to him
re a family matter (ie. the dec. to take my mother back to Comox as
there was so much anger in the family and provide private care instead- which also created a lot of anger towards me. My brother and I have been fine up to this time with me visiting him a few weeks ago and talking via phone and email. He has been in good spirits up
until now when he lashed out at me on the phone this week- I have no idea if this is a co incidence with my other brother arriving and possibly discussing family matters with him which he should
not have based on my brother's severe illness, or whether or not he
just is lashing out at the one he has always done this to- ME!
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you need to rant and rave and feel whatever you are feeling
just as I know my brother is terrified and lashing out
- at me- not sure if anyone else is getting it because of a dysfunctional family and there is no communication so I have come here to let my feelings out and it has already helped. It
breaks my heart to hear and see so many young and old alike,
suffering from cancer. It has been a very humbling experience for me and one that has me feeling blessed for each day I breathe.
None of this is fair to anyone- no one deserves this in their
life... may you continue to have success for the rest of his
dear life..... Lynette
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It is important to drink lots of water, have raw green leafy
vegetables, such as dandelion, aragula,
spinach, juicing vegetables
frequent small prepared meals, green tea, ginger for nausea, asparagus,
Kale, cabbage, walnuts, whole grains
and pretty much just eating small healthy foods-avoid processed foods
I hope this helps- You need to help detoxify the liver as much as possible but I also recommend passing any of this by your
physician first. I found that my mother enjoys to have her
meals with a family member. She will not eat much with a home
care individual sitting by her. I have realized that feeling included with a family member sitting and eating with you is far
more motivating for my mother.
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Selfish is not a word used when one is trying to support in this
huge endeavor of yours- Need is, the need for support, understanding
and ability to say what you feel when you feel it without feeling
guilt or any other self inflicted thoughts that are hard on yourself.
I say this because I have been going thru this myself in a different
manner. I do hope you have Home Care that comes in thru the day to
assist you with your Mother. We do have services like this here in Canada that are free . You need respite care provided so you can have time for yourself to get away for a few hours, a few days or even a week. Having gone thru this and knowing how important this is, it is something that should be provided, I think, when any family member is ill with cancer. We do not have free respite here thru the night which is very difficult. I think the Government should be providing more of this for cancer families with funding in place.
It would be hoped that family members would come forth and offer
some help if they are well off in the interim.
I really hope you are getting some time away, at least a few days
every week and are not carrying this burden alone..
Lynette from Quail Cottage
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Hello, I am here because I am feeling very sad about how my
brother has been lashing out at me from family difficulties and
from his own. I feel I have been his whipping post for months now
and have finally put an end to this behaviour by backing out
completely from any communication with him. It has taken me a few days to realize that he now does not have a scapegoat and that
perhaps another family member might take this role on which is not
what I want to see happen. I wish a hospital staff member would
advise him to go to counselling but I do not see my brother doing
this either. As I am unable to communicate with any other family members due to a huge family rift, I have no idea if it is just me
or whether or not we are all experiencing my brother's anger with
**** Chris, you did email me and asked me to reply back but
I am not sure how to reply back to you... I would love to hear
what your thoughts are on this . thank you, Lynette
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I have realized that this is just too long a story to submit and
prob. not necessary
I am feeling very sad that after quite a lengthy attempt to keep
calm from the anger, I responded in frustration via email that
I was sorry I had upset him (which comes from the simplest thing said or done on my part) and that it is probably better I do not phone or
email him anymore. I am feeling too abused all these months later
to cope- I know it is not about me- it is about him but when
you feel you may be the only person in the family getting this anger
and take it and take it and take it, I could not take it any longer.
now I feel I have abandoned him, again, in a very abstract way
and feel depressed and unable to cope myself.
I don't know what to do. I feel he is so angry all the time that
now I am unable to even visit him. It is about a 6 hour trip for me to get to him via ferry, buses. etc. and I stay at the
cancer lodge when I can.....
I have no one to talk to about this other than my daughters
who understand but are very busy in their lives . Lyn
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My brother has Leukemia and is undergoing bone marrow cell
transplant this coming week. I do not live close to the
Hospital (VGH) BC. My other brother is coming from Thailand
as a donor.
I have tried my best to keep in touch via email, and phone and
visits but I seem to be the one in the family that he projects
all his anger upon. We have a diverse family of 5 siblings who
do not get along at the best of times so this is a very stressful
time interacting with any of them. It has become so difficult I
have pulled out of the family dynamics and am trying to cope with
the anger thrown at me alone. It is my insight that anyone who my brother feels has let him down in some way, gets the anger. This includes myself for not being able to cope with his smoking and
the impact on my life. It became huge when I said he could live
with me when things began to get rough for him a year ago. Because
I have health issues myself, the smell of the smoke, the inability
for him to quit as requested of him before he moved in,all became
too much for both of us and in anger and resentment, he left.
Added to this, I was asked to care for my aging mother and my
brother and left my home to travel a distance away to do this.
I had to go back and forth and became exhausted. I did this for about 5 months before my brother was flown to hospital in Vancouver
in critical condition. I dec. to bring my mother to live with me
as I also have an aging cat who needed care in his own home. I was
judged harshly by family members for doing this without their consent yet none of them had agreed to give up employment, their
home or their lives at the time all this was needed. I was asked to go up and I did. I could not travel the highway in winter months safely so felt bringing my mother to live with me would be
the best dec. at the time. A sister from N. Zealand and a brother from Thailand and a sister who lived a block away,
threw all their fury at me for making this decision alone based on
the lack of assistance I was getting from any of them. I had already been feeling abused by my brother from his cigarette
addiction, his anger towards a failed relationship, his inability
to cope with his situation at all when he had to move away 3,000 miles and come to live with me.. I tried my best to cope and accept him into my home. We both became frustrated with the smoke
problem and the smell and he left and made a dec. to move in with
my mother who at that time actually really needed a family member there to help her. We were going to share the care of coming and going but moving in seemed a far better thing under the circumstances.
to be continued...
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.