Devastated

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Devastated

4 days before Xmas I was told I have stage 4 Lung Cancer, which has spread to my spine, ribs, arm, shoulder, neck, Lymph nodes, adreanal glands. I was told I have 12 months left without treatment and 1-2 years with treatment. I start my first chemo next friday 6 jan. I am devastated. I have a daughter who is 23 and a son who is 30 and a 2 year old grandson. I have gone from being a fit healthy person, a manager with a great job and 35 staff under me. I was treated for Pnemonia until I could not stand the pain any longer and took myself to the hospital after many tests and 3 weeks of waiting, my whole world has been turned upside down. I am angry that this thing has been growing in me for a few years and I have never had any incling. I feel cheated. I will never see my daughter get married or watch my grandson grow up. I have gone from being a bundle of life and energy, to a crying, depressed mess of a woman. I hate my life now. I just want it to go away
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Re: Devastated

My heart goes out to you dear friend, life can be so cruel. Love Mignon
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I understand exactly what you are going through Terri. Dec 6th I was told that I had terminal pancreatic cancer with a timeline of 6 - 12 mths. Treatment may or may not extend the time. I had gone from a 45 year old who was fit, active, energetic with no knowledge that anything was wrong, to a 45 year old who was devastated. The hardest thing of all though was to see the effect that it had on my wife. It destroyed her. This was something that was not meant to happen and did not fit into our plans for the future. Almost a month later, we are starting to accept things. The understanding of things is something I don't think we will ever achieve. I recently spent a week in hospital due to some of the added problems caused by the cancer. During this time I spent a couple of hours talking to the hospital counselor. It turned out to be time well spent. Probably the most valuable thing I took away from them ( other then being able to sort things out in my head) was that life hasn't stopped. It still exists and still goes on. The main difference now is that it is much bigger as there is now more to take into account as you go. Don't let this horrible disease destroy you and your life. It's not easy to do, but try. In one of the booklets that was released by the Cancer Council, I came across this quote. "Don't think about the life you have lived, think about the life you are yet to live." It makes a lot of sense to me. Work through things, share things with your family and friends, don't keep things bottled up. I think everybody hates their life when they are told really devastating news. I did for a while. But what are the choices that we have? We can lash out at the world, hate ourselves and our lives and grow bitter about everything. Alternatively, we could work through things and hold on to life, enjoying what we have for as long as we have it. Look after yourself and take care, Tim btw: the only thing I remember saying when I was told my news was this: while there is a slight chance, there is a chance. While there is a chance there is hope.
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i am still trying to come to terms with things. At the moment I am just numb. Thank you for your reply Terri
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i am still trying to come to terms with things. At the moment I am just numb. Thank you for your reply Terri
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Hi Tim, I cried my eyes out when I read what you wrote to me. I felt so sad for you. When I wrote my post I was laying in bed and couldnt sleep. I was crying and I just wanted to tell someone. I think I was the only one on this site at 4.15am. I never expected anyone to write anything back. I am so glad you did, it helped. My heart go's out to you and especially your wife. I feel sorry for our loved one's we leave behind. I have been told I am incurable and Pallative Chemo may slow things down. I hope in my heart treatment will help you get some more time. To me time is the most important thing of all to me at the moment. We should be in the prime of our life now and enjoying the fruits of our hard work. All my future plans are now put on the backburner. Take a holiday if your well enough and start doing those things on your bucket list. Give your wife a kiss from me and tell her I think she has a wonderful husband. My husband left 4 years ago, I miss the cuddles, give her lot's of cuddles because she will miss them when your gone. Your right we should enjoy what we have for as long as we have it and thats what I intend to do also Take care Tim I will be thinking of you Terri
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Hi Tim, I cried my eyes out when I read what you wrote to me. I felt so sad for you. When I wrote my post I was laying in bed and couldnt sleep. I was crying and I just wanted to tell someone. I think I was the only one on this site at 4.15am. I never expected anyone to write anything back. I am so glad you did, it helped. My heart go's out to you and especially your wife. I feel sorry for our loved one's we leave behind. I have been told I am incurable and Pallative Chemo may slow things down. I hope in my heart treatment will help you get some more time. To me time is the most important thing of all to me at the moment. We should be in the prime of our life now and enjoying the fruits of our hard work. All my future plans are now put on the backburner. Take a holiday if your well enough and start doing those things on your bucket list. Give your wife a kiss from me and tell her I think she has a wonderful husband. My husband left 4 years ago, I miss the cuddles, give her lot's of cuddles because she will miss them when your gone. Your right we should enjoy what we have for as long as we have it and thats what I intend to do also Take care Tim I will be thinking of you Terri
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Hi Terri, This site is a very supportive place to be a part of. Even if you just post your blog about what is going on from one day to the next, there is always someone who will reply with a word of support or encouragement. You look after yourself. Just remember to enjoy the good times as much as possible and be prepared for the bad ones. When those not so good days hit, let yourself ride through them. My plans are also on the back burner, or should I say that what were my plans are no on the back burner. I now have a new set of plans and goals which both myself and my wife are determined to work through. Life is still there, it's just changed now with something else, unplanned and unwanted, in it. Take care Terri and enjoy what you can when you can. Tim
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