In 2016, my mother passed away at 62, peacefully in palliative care at home.
I was 21 at the time. Partying, coping in my own way, I distanced myself from the suffering, my other family members with experience and nursing, religion and care that was overwhelming, I couldn't connect with the new religion, I felt pushed out
I felt like there was nothing I could do. No one prepared me for what was happening and I didn't receive counselling. I wasn't able to process what was happening, it all happened so fast over four years of her fighting. The family that was around accused me of doing nothing out of spite, it was horrible and we do not speak anymore ...
I felt like I didn't have the chance to tell her how I felt, ask her questions or get to know her better. I still haven't visited her grave.
When I try to reflect on the past it all seems like a blur. All that fills my thoughts is the pain and suffering she endured, the ambulances, the car that took her away in a body bag, the constant hospital visits, the distance I felt.
Now my dad is getting older and slowing down considerably. All he seems so talk about is his will and how he is in pain it is incredibly triggering. I don't know if I am ready to face this again.
I'm really feeling alone and leaning on family seems impossible.
Unsure if I can get counselling about an issue I have very little memory about.
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