Grieving my father heavily. (16 days today)

[lele]

I don't even know where to start. I need to share this though. 

The man who was father to me most my life got diagnosed in January of this year with stage lV throat cancer. We were sure there was no beating it. I began to grieve him before he was gone. But then things turned around, he had doctors who were so positive they could cure it. We came to find out it was HPV positive, which responds to treatment better. And it did! After some seriously brutal treatment, him dropping to only 120 pounds (maybe less), losing 7 teeth, using a feeding tube... the mass was GONE! ENT said he was in the clear. Hope had been restored. All we needed to do was wait for his scan on October 28th, to confirm it was really gone. He was in the process of recovering from treatment, gaining back his weight and his strength. Then suddenly on October 24th I got a call from my little sister, saying our dad was throwing up huge amounts of blood and dying. I rushed there with my older sister, but when I got there I was greeted by my grieving mother telling me he was gone. He died. Suddenly, unexpectedly. He had a rupture of some sort in his throat and he hemorrhaged (at least, I'm quite sure that's what it was. My mum doesn't like talking about it and doesn't want to know because she fears she didn't care for him enough and should have taken him in). 

He was scared in his last moments. Terrified. Choking. He was scared before, in previous weeks, worrying about dying from cancer if for some reason it spread. He fought so damn hard. SO damn hard. I have so many texts from him about all the positive reports, telling me he was getting better. He had faith, after being an atheist most of his life. He trusted God. He trusted the doctors. I just don't understand how this could happen. He was supposed to be here with us, celebrating his birthday on October 29th. He was going to be 58.

I just don't even know. I feel like I'll never get better. I lost a sister 10 years ago and somehow totally have forgotten what grief feels like. Every situation is SO unique. It hurts so much. 

[Karralacey]

Hi ♥️ I also lost my dad on the 24th of october. Lung cancer ..  It sucks hey 💔

[Tania10]

I’m so sorry to read your story. I lost my Dad on 21st October

He was diagnosed with cancer 8 weeks prior. 

I understand what it feels like to battle with the thought of him suffering in the end. My Dad suffered so badly in the last 2 days, we were caring for him at home and it was very confronting. 

My Dad didn’t want to die and would beg God to save him. That is what torments me now. The thought of a big strong man begging for his life, he didn’t want to leave us. 

I replay the conversation he had with the doctor in head, he was given 2-6 weeks to live and he asked please will I be here for Christmas.

I understand the roller coaster it must of been for you, having thought he was in the clear only to have your heartbroken. We thought my Dad was getting better (we were so blind to it all) 

How cruel and horrifying for your family. 

I am mad most days, mad at God, the doctors, everyone 

I’m not sure if I’ve helped you at all but know that, but I wanted you to know I understand your pain 

xx