Grieving the loss of my sole mate.

[Sal2]

November last I lost my best friend of 32yrs  and my loving husband of 27years to oesophageal cancer.  His battle was short but hard. 4 months is all we had from diagnosis. His cancer was very aggressive. He wasn't sick at time if diagnosis still working 10hrs a day. Just 3 days after diagnosis he was in hospital. He was a very sick man. It was devastating seeing him in so much pain. Watching him struggling with what had just been thrown our way. At time of diagnosis the cancer was in oesophagas, bile ducts, pancreas, liver, spine, sternum. He had surgery to put stents into bile  ducts. 1 week later another surgery, more stents. This time they found it in the stomach. His oncologist told us his cancer was very very aggressive. After the 2nd surgery he was given 2weeks with no chance of chemo. He had nerve blocks for pain. But 3 weeks in hospital his oncologist was happy with his progress and said if he wanted he was happy for chemo to start. Hubby said YES and begged for him to go as hard as he could with the chemo. We got to go home after almost 4 weeks in hospital. Chemo was hard. We got to do 3 rounds. But the 3rd round proved to be to hard. Back to emergency. Waiting while they found a bed on a ward. Just as a nurse came in and said I have a bed for you and I'm going to take you now, they took myself and our kids away from him, put us in a room. Next thing a Dr and nurse walk into the room and told us he had gone. They took us away from him in his last moments. We weren't with him. We talking with him. I don't understand. I struggle every day. Everyday the loneliness gets worse. The ache in my heart. I look at his empty chair and cry. 2 days ago I couldn't even walk in my room without falling in a heap. It's not getting easier. It's getting harder. He was only 50. I have wonderful friends who have been there for us from day 1. But I don't like asking for help. I don't like to intrude. I try to be strong for my kids. They need there mum to be functioning. But truth I'm not functioning. I'm not coping. I have no motivation. I'm lost. 

[iloveyoudearly7]

Hello Sal2,

I wish to welcome you to our forums and express sadness at your current situation, judging from your story - it seems your soulmate's condition and journey was all too compact and brief. Which unfortunately probably didn't leave enough room nor time for emotional processing or support.

Also sadly there was no goodbyes or leaving messages, just a simple, "I am sorry" from a nurse. You didn't receive the goodbye closure which you wanted.

I understand you believe that you need to be strong for your children but you also need someone to speak too. Seeking or speaking to a hospital's guidance counselor or to a loving friend/family member - can be hugely beneficial as well.

There are many forums of strength.

Perhaps writing a letter regarding everything you wanted to say to him and placing it somewhere you desire, might assist as well?

A another more private goodbye.

How are you currently??

[Budgie]

Hi Sal2,

I am sorry for your loss.

I have heard of some people, when they are dying, waiting till the family is out of the room before they let go. I don't know why they do this, but can only surmise it's because they don't want to see the pain in your eyes when they do finally pass. It's a very heartwrenching situation.
@iloveyoudearly7 is right though, counselling/talking to someone would be the best thing for you & your children. Don't forget to talk to them about it, they would be feeling as bad as you.
Please take it easy, & take care. All the best

Budgie

[Sal2]

Thank you.

I am trying to organise some greif counselling for myself. 

The pain of losing my soul mate has hit me hard these past few weeks. 

[Sal2]

Thank you.

I have some truly amazing friends and they have been their from day 1. 

But sometimes I still feel very alone. 

Hoping counselling will help me. 

[iloveyoudearly7]

It's great to hear that your seeking assistance, on an additional note you can also always call the cancer council to locate local support groups as well and remember, we're always here too.

[Markcoz]

Hey Sal,

I am reading post and im sorry for your losses. This must be really heavy on you as you discribe.. I know you need to take care of your family. Thats important but remember that the better you take care of youself the more you can be there for others. So take your time when you can. Believe in yourself. There is always light in darktimes.

I lost both my parents in my early 20’s (now im 28). I can say with confidence that i deal with it well now. I want to help people like us and maybe you feel like replying two simple questions. It might help you to gain some clarity.  Excuse me if it's inappropriate, feel free to ignore. Take care.

1. As someone who lost a parent(s)/ family member, what are the 2 biggest struggles you’re dealing with? 
2. Regarding your loss, what would you wish for more than anything else? 

That’s it. I wish you all the best on your journey in life.