I can’t handle it!

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I can’t handle it!

My mother was treated for breast cancer in 2012. We thought she was cancer-free. A couple of years later, she started having some odd symptoms. She saw primary doctors but wouldn’t go back to see an oncologist. She had been through a lot in her life, medically, and didn’t want to endure anymore. 
The symptoms continued. She hadn’t been feeling well for a while but swore my brother to secrecy in telling him that she thought her breast didn’t feel right. 
In December, her breast started bleeding but she never told anyone. She started having severe leg pain but we all thought it was an injury. She detonated to the point that she couldn’t even get to the bathroom. She finally went to the hospital, where she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer-a hip sarcoma that had caused a fracture, and spots on her lungs and liver, plus the large breast tumor.  She had an emergency mastectomy to help an infection. We were told by the surgeon a week ago that after the surgery, she’d get the hip treated and with chemo, she’d be able to live a mostly normal life for a few years. 
The infection remained and fluid developed in her lungs. Her oxygen levels got low but a couple of days ago ee were told she was stable. Yesterday, a different doctor gave us another story. At 440 this morning we got a call that she had rapidly deteriorated and while we were on our way to the hospital to see her one last time, we got a call that she passed. 
Because of COVID, we couldn’t be there with her through any of this. If the surgeon would not have given us false hope, we could have  had her at home with is for a few weeks. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. My parents are my life. I’m not married  I don’t have kids, I have medical issues myself, and I have no female family members to console me. 
i don’t know how I can live without being able to see and speak to my mom. This is so devastating. I really can’t handle it. I’m an adult but I need my mom! 

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Frequent Contributor

Re: I can’t handle it!

Well 2sad, it really is, isn’t it. 

I’ve said on this site on a number of times, how incredible the bond between a mother & daughter really is.

 

I absolutely feel your pain 2sad. Nothing I can say will bring your wonderful mother home to you. What I can say is, Whilst you carry your mothers love in your heart, her memory in your mind and those personal, private things that women collect close to you, your mother isn’t dead. She will always be alive.

 

My wife passed away in 2016, not one day passes, when I don’t talk to her (out loud), look at her photo or believe it or not, share a joke with her. I cry,  I cry a lot and then I think. I think of our 33 year relationship and 30 year marriage. I’m always reminded “how lucky am I” to have had her in my life.

 

I can’t pretend to be qualified to give you advice 2sad. What I can say for sure is nothing can break the love , bond and memories of you & mum. Take those things, they belong to you, not you dad or siblings, just you. Take them & treasure them, it is very worthwhile & healing.

 

please keep in touch 2sad, and please try not to be. I give you all of my best wishes & the love that goes with it. Chin up, we’re here for on this site.🤔😥

 

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Occasional Visitor

Re: I can’t handle it!

Hi

 

i can empathise with you. My mother has pancreatic cancer, and was told by her GP that she could take a pill and everything would be fine. Her surgeon then told her that she was a candidate for surgery after chemotherapy.  She tried this, but the cancer grew and metastasised to her liver. About a month ago she was given 2-3 months, but she is starting to deteriorate very quickly and I don’t think she will be with me for much longer.

 

Like you, I don’t have anyone close to me such as a partner, children or siblings for support during this most terrible time. I have never felt so alone in my life, because my mother is everything to me. To lose her at the relatively young age of 68 is devastating. All I want is her, and soon that will never be possible. I also have to deal with the fact that because of COVID-19 my time with her is even more restricted, and I can’t hold her or give her any physical comfort. The depression and anxiety this is causing is causing me is off the charts and I don’t know how I will cope after she is gone.

I can’t tell you how to deal with this, because I don’t know myself. What I can tell you though is that there is someone out there whose experience is similar to yours. If there is anyone else out there in similar circumstances I please ask for any advice or support about how to deal with this. I know that I, and perhaps others, would really appreciate it.

 

Thanks for the time that anyone takes to read this.

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New Contributor

Re: I can’t handle it!

 I am so sorry for your loss. My mom passed last week from multiple myeloma. I was with her for 11 hours before she passed. I don't know what to say that would help you. I wish I knew. I wish someone did know and would say it to me. 

 

The only thing I can say is that you are not alone. 

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Occasional Contributor

Re: I can’t handle it!

I am so sorry for what you feel right now. Even I have family of my own now, I still long for my parents. I sometimes want to go back to childhood and be with my parents.

I guess the best thing you can do for now is to call your mom frequently. Do video calls often to ease your sadness. When covid-19 is over, you will be able to see her again.
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Re: I can’t handle it!

I certainly feel very alone, without my mom. I keep picturing her walking through the door. I think  I’m going to just stay in bed and cry for the rest of my  sad existence. 

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Re: I can’t handle it!

At least you have some time to spend with your mother.  Because my mom didn’t tell anyone that she was sick, and waited  far too long to seek treatment, I had no warning. It’s like she was killed in a car accident. Once she was in the hospital, I only got to speak with her once and because the doctors were, evidently, not in the same page about her status, we kept getting conflicting formation. So, we should have been able to see her, given that she was terminal but that decision was made too late by the doctors. I just keep replaying ly last conversation with her and it tortures me. If my mother wouldn’t have been so stubborn, she’d still be here. I blame myself for not picking up on the fact that she wasn't feeling well for some time. 

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Re: I can’t handle it!

You are right. Once time has mitigated some of the pain I will be able to look back and be grateful to know I was with her when she passed. 

I am so sorry you could not be there with her.

Your sadness is justified. 

 

I know you are going though the same thing as my sister who couldn't come because she is a nurse and was infected with the COVID virus. The only thing I could comfort her with was that our mom was not alone. I'm not sure if it helped her to know that or if she was just saying that to make me feel better. But, I hope it give her some comfort. 

 

I want to say you shouldn't blame yourself. But I can't. I blame myself for not doing more. 

My mom and I were never close in the conventional sense. It was only the last few years that we became closer. I whish I called her more; visited her more. But life gets in the way of such things and then you feel regrets. And I think that's O.K. This isn't the only regret I have and I have leaned from them so I don't repeat them. 

 

It's O.K. to feel sad. We should feel sad. But we can't stay in sadness forever. 

I don't know you mother, but I know my mom would want me to linger in grief too long. She would want me to remember the good days we had. If your mom was like my mom, she would want the same for you. 

When you're ready. 

 

 

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