I feel like i’m never going to be okay ever again

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Occasional Contributor

I feel like i’m never going to be okay ever again

Hi there, this is the first time ever for me to do this online i hope i came to the right place im really new at this.

 

So my father died in september 6 2013 ( I was 19 ) he was sick but i was somewhat young and just started university, so i wasn’t really attached or going to him much in the hospital. Mostly because i was so in-denial and he did not want us going to him much often because of his condition. He did not have cancer but he had a lot of diseases and one of them was his heart and kidneys mostly. When he passed away i got a phone call from my older brother telling me i have to go to the hospital as soon as possible. I had visited him the day before and he was intubated (breathing via machine (ventilator)) and it was such a horrible memory but somehow im happy i saw him for the last time al though he was not conscious. So after the phone call i had a feeling... and sad to say the feeling came true. I was with my boyfriend so i had a lot of guilt on that and i’m a very private person so no one knew my father was sick except for my family members.

 

My fathers passing was a shock to me and i was so confused but my mother was there to make it all better someow. I did not deal with it in a good way, i went towards the whole drinking phase and of course suicide. But i pulled through with the help of my mom. I wasn’t at my best and i wish i hadn’t done all that i did but i can’t take it back, i can just move forward and learn from it.

 

The same month that my father was really ill, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a shock but it was benign (not cancerous) so we were very glad about that. She had it removed but it grew again in a couple of months so she had a mastectomy. My mother was not the type to want to have implants or something like that l. She embraced and accepted not having one breast. I tried to convince her after some research but she said she prefered not to.

 

The second year passed and it grew again, this time on her right breast (she had the first one on her left). I was very anxious and scared at this point so i approached one of my teachers in the university ( I was a nursing student ) and i could not help but cry while asking her if she knew a doctor who is specifically focused and specialized in breast cancer (the first doctor my mother had was a heneral surgeon but we were not worried because the cancer is benign). This teacher introduced breast cancer awareness in my country so i definitely trusted her. She habe me around 3 names. I approached my mother and told her about it and we picked one of them to start off with and see if she is comfortable with her or not. Luckily my mom really liked her and was really comfortable with her.

 

At this point she had to have another mastectomy (so its considered as a full mastectomy later on) we were still not that worried as the doctor continously said it wont kill her and that its just benign and aggressive (since it was growing rapidly the more the months passed by). After the surgery my mom was pleased, her cancer hurt, a lot so she was very comfortable when they removed it. 

 

So within all of this, because it was benign they decided she did not need chemotherapy only radiation. She went to a couple of sessions and it burnt her skin really badly so i felt really bad about that and i could tell she hated it too. She has very sensitive skin so it really hurt her. 

 

After she completed radiation, a year passed and she would occassionaly go for check ups and such, it wasnt always good news. Eventually the doctors discovered that her cancer was very rare. Like very very rare, sadly i can’t remember was was the exact diagnosis but it was like 000.1% of the population who actually had it. And its benign so. The doctors then said that they would lile to take her case as it is very rare and “interesting” to research about.

 

Shortly after they discovered that the cancer spread to her lungs. She was coughing a lot and started having breathing difficulties so that was really hard on us but typical me being in denial because who wants to think about their mom being really sick right?. She had to have a labectomy, it was a really really big surgery and thank god she got out of it strong as hell!!! She had to come home with the drain but otherwise even the doctors were surprised on how strong she was and how she was recovering fast. My mother was a very strong woman, a very very strong woman. Sorry i had to mention that.

 

After the labectomy she was doing fine we were so happy, praying and thanking god for her health. Sadly it only went downhill from this.

 

Her breathing got worse and worse, the tumor kept growing and spreading. A tumor was growing on her head (it was from the outside not the inside) and tumor was also growing on her chest. She had to go in for surgery for the tumor on her head and her chest.

It was really horrible because she barely had any skin left on her chest so she had this really bad wound, it was deep and fresh. And her skin never got back to normal after all the radiation. She had to be hospitalized for a week almost 2 weeks for the wound. We finally managed to go back home after that.

 

But then couple of months later her tumor got more and more aggressive, it kept growing on her chest again it was growing aggresively. Several biopsies and tests were done but to no avail due to the rarity of the “benign” tumor. It kept growing so much that she could barely function she could barely walk without panting and being out of breath after 5 minutes. It was very risky to remove it because of her condition but it was affecting her activity of daily living so the doctor took some skin from her belly snd kept it on her chest. When she went in for this surgery we had to sign a concent (thats different from the usual) because it was dangerous to do it. But thank god after the surgery she was fine. She had to be in ICU for a day but just on some nasal oxygen. We were so happy, grateful and pleased! Theough everything that she has been through she still kept fighting hard for us and herself but honestly mostly for us (me and my twin brothers) 

 

But then she had to start chemotherapy, the first one did’t work so she got back home, we were happy of course because shes back home with us but she wasnt doing very well... the tumor just kept growing and growing and she was already so tired and weak. 

With all the weakness she still went with my brothers to london for a specific doctor and a specific test that could help with finding the right chemotherapy to kill the tumor (i could not go as i had work and it was hard to take annual leave at that time) but we were facetiming almost everyday! My aunt had come to visit so it was just me and my aunt at home.

 

 

They came back and got the results and everything. Came back to the hospital and they tried the recommended chemo for her. Even in london they found it very hard to diagnose due to the rarity of it. So she was admitted in the hospital again for chemo (i cant remember which month but maybe around july-august 2018). She was undergoing chemo and had millions and millions of blood tests but good news never came our way... at this point i think deep down i was preparing myself but somehow i was also waiting for a miracle. I graduated university 2016 with a nursing bachelors degree. The only thing that got me through was doing it for my mom and dad.

 

Sorry im mixing it all up but im not really good at this writing and stuff.

 

Months passed and still no good news, she just

kept getting worse. She was having all the signs of end of life but i was in denial subconsciously and just was waiting for her to come back home! I even planned my annual leaves at work so that we could travel together and see snow! I was ready and waiting for it! 

 

I started my annual leave at around the first week of october (40 days) i had planned on this month a year before not knowing my mom would even be hospitalized. My boyfriend (who is different from when my father passed away) was coming with me everyday to visit my mom. Her appetite got worse but she was really happy everytime we went to her. We would try to bring her whatever she craved and wanted even though she would just take a spoom or two. It was really hard seeing her like that, not hungry and always tired. And i could tell she hated it too. 

My aunt was with her most of the day, its the sister shes and we are closest to. 

 

Everyday i wake up and text my mom making sure she ate well and asking how she felt. Occassionaly would facetime her as i usually visit at night. Starting from ocotober 23 she stopped relying... she couldn’t use her phone anymore, didn’t have the power to text and it was weird bevause 2 days before that she was just texting on how she felt great and ate more than usual.

 

This was it... the worse couple of days of my life for me and my brothers. Doctors then started talking to us about how her condition will not get any better. Of course i was crying non-stop but never in front of her.

She started not to be able to walk to the bathroom anymore, started needing oxygen the whole day instead of just for a couple of hours.. i knew all this was bad i knew it but i did not want to accept it.

october 24 she was more weak, they had to put in a urinary catheter, the oxygen she needed had to be higher. She would still talk but very very less and she would hallucinate. 

 

October 25 she was worse... i started looking for apartments near by the hospital because we lived quiet far. She could not respond anymore, just laying there with difficulty in breathing with the oxygen mask on. I would talk to her, not just me but

mt sunt and brothers as well. She could still somehow nod but not able to open her eyes anymore.  I spoke to one of the doctors there i told her to tell

me the truth to tell me how much long does she have... she said not long... a couple of days... i had called both my brothers in from work explaining to them the situation.

 

October 26, she wasnt any better at all, not at all responsive, just laying there. For some reason all of us (me,my brothers and aunt) decided to speak to her individually. We all had our alone time with her. It was one of the hardest things i had to do in my whole life, it didn’t feel real. Her vitals were acting up and i hated that i knew how to read the monitor. Her saturation kept going down so we called the nurse.

 

They activated code blue and started CPR. The good thing is i knew that she wouldn’t have wantsd

to be intubated because whenever we see something like it on TV she would always say she would never want to be in that situation and i agree, its torture.

 

We were right by her side when it all happened, until she took her last breath. At around 2pm on october 26 2018 i had lost my mother. Right in front of my eyes i had lost her. Gone. Forever.

 

 

 

 

 

4 REPLIES 4
Cancer Council Team

Re: I feel like i’m never going to be okay ever again

Thank you for sharing your story @Nunnii Heart

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Occasional Contributor

Re: I feel like i’m never going to be okay ever again

Hello my love. This post really hit home for me, I lost my mum and dad from cancer within 8 months of each other. The pain is real and being an only child I don’t really see hope some days. You are a very very strong person to share this. It is pain that many people will never experience in their lives. Just know that you have their memories forever in your heart and they live within you. They made you and you are them. It’s reassuring to know that they are both running through your veins. All my love darling xx 

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Occasional Contributor

Re: I feel like i’m never going to be okay ever again

❤️😔


@Katekat wrote:

Thank you for sharing your story @Nunnii Heart


 

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Occasional Contributor

Re: I feel like i’m never going to be okay ever again

Im sorry for your loss it must have been horrible especially you being an only child, you are stronger than me! 

 

And thank you for replying, honestly its been horrible and i am really trying to find meaning in my life 💔

 


@nicky99 wrote:

Hello my love. This post really hit home for me, I lost my mum and dad from cancer within 8 months of each other. The pain is real and being an only child I don’t really see hope some days. You are a very very strong person to share this. It is pain that many people will never experience in their lives. Just know that you have their memories forever in your heart and they live within you. They made you and you are them. It’s reassuring to know that they are both running through your veins. All my love darling xx 




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