My wife (49) died of cancer three weeks ago. The end of her life came very quickly after a a 20 month battle with stage 4 bowel cancer. I have a 14 year old son. The depth of my grief has surprised me. I thought that I had been preparing for her death, however, the depth of pain has come as a shock. My grief feels like this:
I stand behind you all day, sometimes I will move closer to you and sometimes I eyeball you from 2 cm away. With my constant craving for your attention I hold a false promise that once you finally deal with me in the correct way, everything will be returned to you as it was before. I’m the voice in your head that won’t go away. I’m the one who produces that anxious feeling that you will somehow forget her and move on. I need you to know that I am here for a reason and that is to ensure that this pain is dealt with for however long it takes. To be honest I am going to be here with you till the end of your life. So, you need to know that I am going to have to be dealt with. Josie is gone and she’s not coming back but know that she too, grieved, before she left. She’s probably still grieving now.
I’m that faceless presence you’ve had since October 2020. Remember how we used to talk about the time when she was gone. Remember how you tried to push me away? Remember how you used to think you knew how this would feel? Well, of course, you were totally unprepared for the pain that was going to come from the loss. I’m here to help even though at the moment you feel like you never want to hear from me again. I’m sorry but I am the price that you pay for loving her. You did love her didn’t you? You just didn’t know how much until it was all over. How could you really understand the price you were going to pay for such love?
I am so sorry for your loss Jamie, i to lost my wife to stage four Bow cancer two months ago and can understand the grief that you and your son are trying to process as i found it to be a dark cloud of emotions and depression. I looked after my wife for 2 and half years through her ups and downs of the various kemo treatments she had over that time and i to thought that i could prepare myself for the day i would have to say goodbye. I wasnt prepared .
Your grief will be raw for Josie Jamie and that is perfectly normal, you are allowed grieve.
i had family to support me when i needed it and have found talking about my greif to others who also have been touched by cancer to be very helpful for me, i do hope you and your son can reach out and continue to talk about what you are both feeling.
i am here Jamie if you just need to talk.
I think grief is an important emotion. I will grieve terribly if I lost my husband and I've always known that it will be really hard.
My mother had a stroke and was paralysed down one side. She was in a nursing home for 10 years and I thought we grieved every day as slowly but surely she became weaker and more frail. My mother saw the time we had together as a wonderful bonus because she had the time to tell me all her stories and indeed it was a blessing. I thought I had let all my grief out slowly over those 10 years but no, I had still had more grief when she actually died.
Imagine having absolutely no grief when someone close to you died. because they deserved none. Our grief honours the person that died. We loved them so much that we will always miss them but the raw, painful grief slowly becomes less.
I had a long, thick gold chain with a heart on it. I would leave it with my mum and tell her I left my heart with her. She would give it back to me another day and ask me to take her heart with me. I wore it ever day under my clothes and tell my mum what we were doing that day. One day I told her we were going to catch my daughter's alpacas to go into a new field. How she would have loved that. The heart gave me daily comfort and made me smile. This heart would go to my eldest daughter when I died. I then had to buy another golden heart for my youngest daughter who would need it most.
I wear both hearts and they store all the good times, all the laughter of the grandchildren, the celebrations and feasts I love and that my mother gave me through the gift of life. Perhaps you can find something of your wife's and through it heal your heart by doing the best thing for her which is to love and grow her son in the best way possible and heal yourself so you can be the best father to your son.
I wish you every success in the future.
Be part of this supportive community