Lost my 49 yo wife to cancer 3 weeks ago

[Jamie62]

My wife (49) died of cancer three weeks ago. The end of her life came very quickly after a a 20 month battle with stage 4 bowel cancer. I have a 14 year old son. The depth of my grief has surprised me. I thought that I had been preparing for her death, however, the depth of pain has come as a shock. My grief feels like this:
I stand behind you all day, sometimes I will move closer to you and sometimes I eyeball you from 2 cm away. With my constant craving for your attention I hold a false promise that once you finally deal with me in the correct way, everything will be returned to you as it was before. I’m the voice in your head that won’t go away. I’m the one who produces that anxious feeling that you will somehow forget her and move on. I need you to know that I am here for a reason and that is to ensure that this pain is dealt with for however long it takes. To be honest I am going to be here with you till the end of your life. So, you need to know that I am going to have to be dealt with. Josie is gone and she’s not coming back but know that she too, grieved, before she left. She’s probably still grieving now.
I’m that faceless presence you’ve had since October 2020. Remember how we used to talk about the time when she was gone. Remember how you tried to push me away? Remember how you used to think you knew how this would feel? Well, of course, you were totally unprepared for the pain that was going to come from the loss. I’m here to help even though at the moment you feel like you never want to hear from me again. I’m sorry but I am the price that you pay for loving her. You did love her didn’t you? You just didn’t know how much until it was all over. How could you really understand the price you were going to pay for such love?

[Michael53]

I am so sorry for your loss Jamie, i to lost my wife to stage four Bow cancer two months ago and can  understand the grief that you and your son are trying to process as i  found it to be a dark cloud of emotions and depression. I looked after my wife for 2 and half years through her ups and downs of the various kemo treatments she had over that time and i to thought that i could prepare myself for the day i would have to say goodbye. I wasnt prepared .

Your grief will be raw for Josie Jamie and that is perfectly normal, you are allowed grieve.

i had family to support me when i needed it and have found talking about my greif to others who also have been touched by cancer to be very helpful for me, i do hope you and your son can reach out and continue to talk about what you are both feeling.

i am here Jamie if you just need to talk.

[Jamie62]

Thanks Michael, I will try to use this service to help me in this time. I appreciate you reaching out,

Take care

[Lampwork54]

I think grief is an important emotion.  I will grieve terribly if I lost my husband and I've always known that it will be really hard.

My mother had a stroke and was paralysed down one side.  She was in a nursing home for 10 years and I thought we grieved every day as slowly but surely she became weaker and more frail. My mother saw the time we had together as a wonderful bonus because she had the time to tell me all her stories and indeed it was a blessing. I thought I had let all my grief out slowly over those 10 years but no, I had still had more grief when she actually died.

Imagine having absolutely no grief when someone close to you died. because they deserved none.  Our grief honours the person that died.  We loved them so much that we will always miss them but the raw, painful grief slowly becomes less.  

I had a long, thick gold chain with a heart on it.  I would leave it with my mum and tell her I left my heart with her.  She would give it back to me another day and ask me to take her heart with me.  I wore it ever day under my clothes and tell my mum what we were doing that day.  One day I told her we were going to catch my daughter's alpacas to go into a new field.  How she would have loved that.  The heart gave me daily comfort and made me smile.  This heart would go to my eldest daughter when I died.  I then had to buy another golden heart for my youngest daughter who would need it most.  

I wear both hearts and they store all the good times, all the laughter of the grandchildren, the celebrations and feasts I love and that my mother gave me through the gift of life.  Perhaps you can find something of your wife's and through it heal your heart by doing the best thing for her which is to love and grow her son in the best way possible  and heal yourself so you can be the best father to your son.  

I wish you every success in the future.

[Jodie77]

It was 1 week yesterday I lost the love of my life. 
he had multiple myeloma. 
we were very open about was was coming. Talked all the time about it. I cared for his every needs. Medication showering the list goes on. 
he was only 48. 
I am so broken. So empty angry sad the list of emotions and feelings is larger that I ever expected. How do I go on how will my life be somewhat enjoyable again. I need guidance on if this will be possible. I miss him so much. 

im so sorry for your loss 💔💔

[Jamie62]

I am so sorry fror your loss and wish I could offer more than words. The sad truth is that you will never really recover from this, I strongly recommend getting as much greif counselling as possible. Share your stories about your loved one, listen to others who understand what you are going through. In time the pain will be less intense but there will always be moments when the enormity of your loss will hit you between the eyes. Look after yourself and try to suround yourself with people who will listen to you. Take Care

[Michael53]

So sorry for your loss Jodie

From the day Tracy was diagnosed till the unfortunate end I  had put  my emotions on hold, I had to,  as i was her pillar of support, her rock in this universe and she was mine.

It was hard times for me once Tracy had physically gone, as it was time now for me to release the grief, what you are experiencing now.
Not a day goes by that i don’t think about Tracy sometimes bringing me to tears and other times sharing a chuckle as i remember the good times we had together. Its now been two  + years  since I lost my soulmate in this universe and thinking back now to what i was experiencing in the week following i fully understand the deep grief  you must be feeling.

Jodie keep moving forward taking it day by day, you are allowed to grieve however  you want, and yes you might feel guilty about things but i can say totally normal feelings as you can only find the right way to deal with the grief that suits you.

Good support base of friends and family around you, including this forum, I  found it very helpful in my progress, it gave me an outlet to vent my frustrations, anxiety and feelings knowing that in a way we were all comforting each other in the process.

I can say Jodie that the grief you are feeling now will get better even though you  probably  cant  see it as time moves forward. I couldn’t see it at first either however I slowly  learnt to be able to look at past photos and allow memories to move back in as it was my form of grief moving forward.

I will never forget my Tracy as you will never forget  your partner as they will always be with us  as we move on.

I do apologise if I have caused you any discomfort of what i have said above and hope your time moving forward day by day is at your pace and your way.

Michael