I'm writing on here as I lost my Mum 8 weeks ago and I'm so broken. My beautiful Mum got sick in February 2024. It was such a rare disease that she had. She had what is called Paraneoplastic Cerebellar Degeneration which was caused by a tumor. Its so rare and it basically takes away everything from you. I watched her go from the most active, independent woman to slowly losing her ability to walk and her speech. For 6 months they could not find the tumor and she just declined. She moved in with me and i cared for her right up until the day she died. I held her as she took her last breath. When they found the tumor in October, it was already stage 3 ovarian cancer. Given that the underlying disease had already processed so far, we decided not to do chemo as it wouldn't change her outcome and the women that she had become was not quality of life for her. Me doing everything for her. Washing her, dressing her, getting her out of bed. I worked full time and I cared for her full time. I would do it again a heartbeat. But we certainly had times that I was stressed and upset with her. Mainly because I was exhausted but I loved her so much. The disease changed her personality a little and she hated the hospital and we had to be there every fortnight for IVIG infusions to help with the swelling in her brain. She kept her wits about her which was amazing and all she every asked was not to go into a home or pallative care. I kept my word and although right at the end I had to take her into pallative care it was only for 3 hours and then almost 12 months to the day she got sick, I lost my beautiful Mum and my best friend. I'm truly lost with out her.
I now have so much guilt on me. I should have taken her to more specialists, I should have got a second opinion. Maybe they could have checked more for the cancer. I shouldn't have gotten angry with her, I should have spent more time with her. I should have spoken more with her and had beautiful moments. I'm sure we did but I'm so incredibly broken and I don't know how to get myself out of this really dark place that I can't even remember the good times. Even before she got sick we always spent time together. She was always at our house. I feel like I'm grieving the person she was before she got sick as I never really did as had so much going on with her. Watching at the end as the cancer snuck up on her and the pain she was in. She has some big falls too and was on a lot of morphine and her stomach was so bloated.
I don't know what I'm writing here but it feels good to let it out. I've started to see a counsellor as I can't stay like this. Its unbearable. I can't work (I am but hate it and can't concentrate). I have to get out of this as I just can't stop crying but a huge piece of me has gone with her and i just can't accept that I'll never see her again.
