My eldest brother died from Throat Cancer late Feb 2021, he was 59. I was fortunate enough to travel to NSW to see him before he died, with constant boarder closures , I am grateful for that. I have always been a believer that those who pass over are always around us in spirit, I dream about family and friends who have died over the years, letting me know they are around. I thought I was doing ok up until this weekend, I have had sad days, things that have triggered the tears, songs, an article on the news about throat cancer survivors, things like that. I've read Allison Dubois books, not for the first time either. But this time I realised this is different, this is my eldest brother, the first of us 6 kids to go. There are 5 stages of grief, the first being Denial, I have been thinking denial, well I don't have that!! I KNOW he's dead, I KNEW he was going to die! Well today I came to the conclusion, I have not allowed myself to grieve properly. I would have a bad day and tell myself, not now, I kept pushing it down, thinking I'll deal with it later, I need to function. The past 5 months, I have been so very fatigued , physically aching , unable to focus , concentrate on things, vague at times. struggling to get day to day tasks done, like cooking, I feel my brain shut down when I think about what to feed the family. ( they have had a lot of catch and kill nights i'm afraid) I do not talk to my husband much about my grief, because he wasn't a big fan of my brother, when I have mentioned my brother , a memory or something like that, he pretty much reminds me how he felt about my brother, so i don't talk about my brother with him anymore. This has caused some resentment from my part regarding that. I think that's when the anger kicks in with my Husband. I do talk to other family members via the phone or messenger as we live interstate from one another. Though my Husband at times will ask me how I am going, I just say I'm ok, He doesn't see the tears, I don't see the point, he doesn't get it! So today I realised I have been in denial, a little bit of anger.......still waiting for that Dream, I think that might be a while away, I guess it will happen when I get to acceptance? Until then I will keep talking to my brother, when I get the buzz to cook, I will make his favourite foods, listen to music he liked.
