Organising a living will when loved one is in denial

[905Fi]

Hello all.
We're nearing the end of a pretty awful 2 years of complicated treatment for my mum. She's had 3 lots of different treatment, multiple surgeries and just lots of medical confusion, hope-to-despair whiplash and trauma.  She's got ADHD and struggled to plan, follow-through or stay present even pre-illness - forever procrastinating and gonna gonna-ing things until it's too late.

I am pretty burnt out and shell-shocked from how brutally she has physically declined this past 6 months. I don't know or have much hope for how much longer she'll live or have enough energy and clarity to converse with us, never mind all the people with whom she has yet to say her goodbyes. My sibling and I are asking her friends and family to send written submissions, photos and memories to stick into a memorial book for her to read or be read to, with the aim to gift it as a surprise in Early/mid-December before throwing a living wake party in early 2026. 

I don't know how to coordinate this without opening myself up to the shock, pity and questions of her extended community, while also regulating her denial and procrastination. I know she makes her own choices and needs to accept the consequences, but I am so afraid that we are all running out of time and that mum will die or decline and there will be so much regret for things left unsaid.

Having someone so vibrant and chaotic die by degrees like this has been so much more heartbreaking that I prepared myself for. I feel like I need 7 therapists, not just one!

Any advice on how to plan and execute a realistic end-of-life celebration? I'm feeling very overwhelmed by it all. Grief is a heavy thing to carry.

Thankyou

[Adriana_CCNSW]

Hello  905Fi,

Thank you for sharing so openly. What you’re carrying right now is enormous, and it makes complete sense that you feel overwhelmed, burnt out, and uncertain about how to move through all of this. Watching your mother decline especially when she has always been vibrant can be very painful.

The memorial book and living-wake idea are incredibly thoughtful. You’re doing an extraordinary job navigating something unbelievably hard. Be kind to yourself as you take each step. Grief truly is heavy.

If you would like to speak to one of our health professionals, please call Cancer Council on 13 11 20. Take care, Adriana