Struggling with Mum's Passing

[anneidril]

Hi everyone,

I am sending you all the biggest hugs as we deal with the awfulness that is cancer and what it does to our loved ones.

31 December my beautiful Mum was diagnosed with advanced gallbladder cancer. We tried all the treatments she could undergo, but nothing stopped the cancer. I became her primary carer, which was 100% alright by me, as Mum and I spent every day together, 24/7 anyway.

To cut a long and awful story short, on 9 August Mum passed away in hospital. And I wish my heart had stopped then too.

Mum had planned her funeral, including music. She hated that people would cry. So two of her songs were from the Muppets - Rainbow Connection and Mahna Mahna. She couldn't stand the thought of tears. She told me, often, that I couldn't stay in my grief when this happened. She didn't want that.

But I am struggling, so very much these days. I've done all the redtape stuff because it was beyond my poor Dad, I've been doing nearly everything Mum did around the household, even as I am trying to get back into my uni studies to finish my PhD in her honour.

But I'm struggling with grief, even though I've talked to people at Headspace, I have beautiful people supporting me... I have the support and the love, but it's not Mum. And it can't be Mum. I guess I just wonder if anyone has advice on how to live with this awful feeling? I have smiled, I have laughed at times since Mum's passing, but the grief never goes away. And sometimes it sucker punches me with a piece of glass to my heart.

I'm just finding it hard, and if you have any advice at all I would be so grateful. I love my family that I have around me, but Mum was my world. And it's hard to keep trying when you just wish you had either died too or died in her place.

Big hugs,

Anne.♥

[Katekat]

Sending hugs to you @anneidril ❤️

Can I suggest you give our Telephone Support Groups team a call on 1300 755 632? 

We have a group available for those who have lose a loved one to cancer, they are a fantastic way of sharing experiences and being supported with others in a similar situation to yourself. One of the team members is in the office right now, otherwise, they'll all be in on Monday from 9am (Sydney time).

-Kate

Cancer Council Online Community Manager

[anneidril]

Thank you so very much @Katekat, I appreciate the hugs and the suggestion.

I had read through the cancer council grief booklet and it seems like I'm doing everything possible to wade through the sadness, but I had hoped someone might have more answers or suggestions.

I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for talking out loud to others about the grief, but it certainly can't hurt to try on Monday.

Thank you💛

[Tania10]

Hi Ann

I’m sorry I wish I had some advice for you but I don’t, I do know how you feel. My Dad passed 24 days today. My sisters and I cared for him at home. Dad was the king of our family and the days have been dark and empty without him. I understand that sucker punch feeling, it’s so painful. 

It sounds like your Mum was incredibly strong and very proud of you.

Sending you love and light

xxxxxxxx

[anneidril]

Hi Tania,

I am so, so sorry to hear about your Dad. I wish I could wave a magic wand and we would never have had to deal with cancer and say goodbye to our loved ones. 

It's painful and gut-wrenching. I wish I could give you a hug in person. 

Thank you for saying that about Mum, and for being so beautifully kind at a time when I know it's hard to even look after your own wellbeing with grief. I appreciate your empathy and compassion so very much. It sounds awful, but it does help to know others are also dealing with this and finding their way.  

Sending such a big hug your way 💜💜💜💜

[Tania10]

Reading other people’s stories is what’s getting me through. Knowing that we are not alone and there are others out there who feel the same is somewhat of a comfort.

I pray for easier, kinder days for both of us

xxx 

[christielynnblo]

I am truly sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. 

[Deemac]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sitting here still struggling as well. My beautiful mum passes away- and it wasn’t peaceful like people pretend. She left me on the 1st August. I don’t think anyone can tell us how to make it better. Because I think it gets harder. Mum and I believe in the after life- but trust me my dad definitely does not. However after losing his wife he was willing to see a medium with me and she was amazing. There is no way she could have know what she did. It gave my dad and I some reassurance that mum is still around. I’m still angry and not coping so I’m not saying it fixed the pain but honestly it did help and that’s all I needed. No one can ever make sense of the face that mum won’t ever call again or tell me off or he my biggest fan. It’s so shit. I just wanted to share what did help- a little - but it still breaks me every day

[anneidril]

Thank you @christielynnblo xxxx It is still incredibly hard without her here. I'm trying to hold onto the good, but it's hard.💜💜💜

[anneidril]

Sending so many hugs to you @Deemac I know it doesn't help to say it, but I am so sorry you have had to say goodbye to your Mum xxx

Cancer is a truly terrible beast and I hate it. Your Mum and Dad sound like mine, she believed in an afterlife but he doesn't really. I do, it's one of the few things really helping me get through these hard times. And I'm glad visiting a medium helped a little even though longterm I know we just wish for our Mums. I've actually taken up cross stitch to do like she did, it helps me feel a little closer to her in a way. 

But you're right, we still miss having them with us in person.

Sending you all the hugs xxxxx