Support after death.

[LesleyE]

My husband passed on Thursday last week. He was diagnosed with metastatic kidney cancer in early November. It had spread to his ribs, spine and sternum. It was very aggressive as there was no sign of it in a ct scan taken six months before. His oncologist tried immunotherapy, radiotherapy but it just kept spreading and he was in dreadful pain. Three weeks ago we were told it wasn’t responding and was terminal. I tried to get some support at home as we had no children nor family members close by. This was being organised but he passed away before it took place. Even the palliative care team we were referred to took a while to get to us and we only had an initial consultation then he was admitted to hospital. It felt that no one really wanted to help at the time and I was just left to do the best I could. I was with him for four days in hospital while he fought and struggled with the pain. They did what they could to relieve him. Now I am by myself at home and have called to cancel arrangements made for respite and assistance but no one seems to be interested in helping me...Is there no support for the partner left behind? I asked the palliative care nurse and was told they didnt have any psychologists for our area. 

[sch]

Hi LelseyE,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband and I'm very sorry to hear what you've had to experience.

Where do  you live? Are you in the city or country?

Have you called calling Cancer Council (13 11 20)??

https://www.cancer.org.au/about-cancer/patient-support/cancer-council-13-11-20.html

It looks like they will be able to assist you with some support.

-s

[LesleyE]

Hi, I am in Lake Macquarie NSW. I havent phoned the cancer council other than to let them know that he had died and that I wouldnt need palliative care help. My family and friends have been supportive but it just feels to me that neither the hospital or the palliative care team are able to offer much support at all to the partner left behind.  I was told by the local cancer council before his death that because we were in the private hospital system a lot of the services offered to patients in the public system would not automatically be offered to us. In my experience a lot of this was correct, and I feel we were at a disadvantage. I do wonder if this is still the case. No one has even tried to contact me to see if I am all right and when I spoke to the palliative care team just after his death I was told they did not have any psychological services available. Maybe it is different in the city.

[Lindsay]

Hi LesleyE,

Firstly, I would like to pass on my condolences at the loss of your husband. That said & coming to you with a similar experience, I would really like to assure you, with all the pain, discomfort and humiliation behind him, your husband can now be set free.

The bigger issue is you. Not only have you lost your partner, the person you loved & cared for, but now you too feel isolated, alone, scared and most of all lost. There seems to be no one or nothing to turn to. Well we here on these screens are here for you.

I have my ongoing issues with cancer. I, like you, lost my partner in horrible circumstances, with her fight with cancer. I felt lost, I didn’t want to burden my daughter with my grief, and now my cancer. I was ready to toss it all in.

Reading other peoples stories & contributing from time to time, understanding this is a issue we are all affected by has changed me. I’m much more positive, and a lot less selfish. It’s not all about me.

We can help you too. We’re here to help you get back up, see things from another angle. Most importantly offer shoulders collectively to cry on, when needed. Please don’t feel like you can’t or shouldn’t ask our community for help, it’s here.

Best wishes & chin up

Lindsay

[Fifihussein]

Im so sorry for your loss, i cant even imagine what you are going through,please that we are here and we will try to help you as much as we can, but try and contact the cancer council, may be they can give you some support over the phone.

Im sorry again, i will be happy to chat with you , or just give you an ear to vent

[KaceJax]

I am deeply sorry for your loss

[Markcoz]

Hey Lesley,

Im am sorry for your loss. My condolences.  It must have been really dark days in the end.  Believe in yourself. You can. There is Always light.

I lost both my parents in my early 20’s (now im 28). I can say with confidence that i deal with it well now. I want to help people like us and maybe you feel like replying two simple questions. It might help you to gain some clarity.  Excuse me if it's inappropriate, feel free to ignore. Take care.

1. As someone who lost a parent(s)/ family member, what are the 2 biggest struggles you’re dealing with? 
2. Regarding your loss, what would you wish for more than anything else? 

That’s it. I wish you all the best on your journey in life.