The fight

[Anonymous]

Where to begin! My husband fought lung cancer with everything, Although it had been 2 years from diagnosis, we never thought for a second that our time was up, he was still having chemo.  He had been unwell like many other times during treatment, and after a trip to the hospital he was given antibiotics and told he could go home.  This was unusual as normally they would of kept him in and given them intravenously, I was concerned and rang the next day for reassurance that he shouldn’t come back to hospital and was told to just return for his clinic day.  That day never came as he passed away (not peacefully) 3 days later.

Its been 3 months since my darling husband left me and our family, not by his choice, he wanted to live, he said he wasn’t going anywhere but he did, he couldn’t fight a collapsed lung even if he did try his hardest to, it was the most horrific thing to have to see him go through, to fight for every breathe.

I miss him so much and don’t know how I am ever going to cope with life ever again.  I've been told I am a strong person, this is not true I have been cut in half and have lost all my strength.

Thank you for this website for letting me put something on paper so to speak.

[Leesnell]

So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 24 years 4 months ago. It one of the hardest things to do watch someone you care for more than anything go through that. My thoughts are with you. Look after yourself the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Hi Leesnell

Thank you for your reply, I too am very sorry for your loss.

I had not shared anything on line prior to last night and lying in bed late after a really hard day I just had to. I guess my introduction “the fight” wasnt really a good introduction as I didn’t know where to start really.

It is our 30th wedding anniversary coming up in a few months and my husbands birthday next week. I don’t know what is expected of me but I just want the ground to swallow me up so I don’t have to face these days, it’s very hard for my family to understand this, they want to be here for me but I just want to be alone or somewhere else so I don’t have to be cuddled or protected or felt sorry for.

Have you had to go through significant days, am I being selfish asking you this, I am so sorry.

You are an amazing person to share your story and to support other people on this site.

Once again thank you for your reply.

[Geri]

Hi Liz1

I find myself in the same predicament as you except my husband only had 14 months after diagnosis. I find it difficult to accept he is gone. It has been 10 long weeks. I miss him so badly that there are moments when I just can't breathe from all the tears. He always bounced back after treatment even though it caused him a stroke and diabetes. He loved life, he didn't want to leave me or the children. 

I'm not sure how to continue on without him. It's easy for others to say 'time heals,' as they still have their partners. I have been with my husband for 34 years. We were looking forward to eventually retiring together and travelling. I can't bear the thought of now going anywhere as he will not be with me.

The silence in our home is now deafening. 

Just remember that there are people who understand exactly what you are going through Liz1. I know the heartache is real.

[Leesnell]

Hi, hope you are ok. I can relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes you need some time alone and other times not so much. I find it very hard to be comforted all the time. I know they mean well and most poeple don’t really know the right things to say. It takes time to process everything that has happened. 

His birthday was at the beginning of July and was a emotional day that I spent with one of our good friends remembering some of the good times we had. We laughed, cried, cursed. The range of emotions you feel in one day are sometimes hard to process. You have no need to be sorry for asking questions, I am happy to help where i can. It helps me also to understand that I am not the only one that feels like that.

[Anonymous]

Hi Geri

I did reply earlier but I’m new at this and think it must of gone into cyber space, sorry.

Thank you for your reply, I am sorry for your loss, it is so hard to cope right now and yes our heartache is very real.

I was going to write to the hospital, his specialist, the emergency dept that let him go home, I was so angry at them, they did this I thought.  As the days/weeks went by or maybe even more recently, I realised that he didn’t want to stay in hospital and maybe he had a feeling that he needed to be home with me instead of in a hospital bed, maybe he sensed something more than he let on.  Maybe we both did?

It doesnt changed anything, I miss him every day, I cry every day, I want to turn back time to when we thought he had a throat infection and it healed and we went on with our happy life where he too was looking forward to a few more years of work then his long service leave before retirering. 

We had an amazing bond, he was my everything, we did everything together, we didn’t have a lot or any friends really just us and our family.
 As I said in Leesnell post I am grateful to find a place we can share and read and offer support to each other.  

Our hubbys would want us to keep going, they wouldn’t of left us if they didn’t have to, and they know we will get through this.  We have to believe this.