wanting to get in contact with people who have recently lost loved ones

[gnomes81]

Hi all, I recently lost my father to cancer and it was very sudden and unexpected, he seemed to be fine... then one day he went into hospital and within less than a week he had deterioated to the point of palliative care and passed away. I am struggling to understand how he must have felt and also feeling very angry for myself and for my father. He had no time to prepare, was extremely confused and scared and wasn't even able to communicate with us in his last few days. Im am receiving professional counselling, but would also like to make contact with anyone who went through a similar experience. I don't know how to get through this... I still can't accept that it has happened and I can't get the images of his last gasps for breath out of my head.

[admin_one]

Hi gnomes81, I wanted to first welcome you to our community. Also wanted to let you know about ways you can find stories of other people that have gone through similar experiences. You can visit the family and friends section where you can find all the latest conversations, blogs and resources for people that have lost their loved ones. You can also search for specific discussions using our search function Another possibility is to look directly for other people where you can search by age, cancer type and you can also filter the results to find other community members that have lost a loved one. Hope you find this useful. Please do not hesitate to get in contact if you need any additional info on this or on any other support service. Best

[Nikki_YAC]

Hi gnomes81, First of all, I am sorry to hear that your father had such a sudden passing from cancer. I sincerely hope that you find some people here on this site who have or are currently experiencing a similar situation to yours. Last year my boss and my tennis coach suddenly passed away at age 43 years after only being diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks prior to his passing. Whilst this is not family, he was a very close friend and was an enormous shock. I could not stop thinking about his 4 kids and wife and what they must be going through. I actually started a dedication page on Planet Cancer so I could get my thoughts down and say what i wanted to say. this worked really well for me. Perhaps Raul (who gave you all the links in the previous post) might think of including a place on this site where people can dedicate and remember all wonderful people we know who have lost the battle to cancer. all my best, Nikki

[#4]

Dear gnomes81, My husband Andy(36yrs) passed away 6 weeks ago of secondary liver cancer. My children and I are shocked and devastated. I too couldn't get the last hours out of my head. They haunted me. But now, as they fade from my memory, I'm desperate to hold on to them because it was his last precious moments. I'm quite keen to connect with others who have lost as well. I can't get over how definate and permanent death is. Andy was only diagnosed less than 12 months ago. We were positive he had a chance because he was healthy, strong and symptom free. And please, if you're fighting cancer and reading this, don't allow our story to take your hope away-hope is a powerful weapon.

[Louise_E]

I lost my partner two months ago. I was there holding his hand as palliative care medication took effect. It was what he wanted, no more trouble breathing, he couldn't eat, just wanted out....and for the caregiver also it is so hard, wanting your loved one not to suffer and to have release....yet afterwards it is so final, so so final.....I'm finding useful You Tube videos, TFT modality and bereavement support. But no matter what, it's hard and grief doesn't go away. At the same time my mum is 92 and tho feisty and alert, is getting frail, so I'm with her now, overseas, friends only available on the phone. Challenging in many ways. Carers Victoria and the Hospice offer free counselling. I had 1 session before and 2 after bereavement. Very helpful, and a monthly group meeting here was great as well. I hope there will be a section on this site or connected to it where memories and grief can be shared. Just having an outlet, whether a journal or online, makes a difference. I am developing a whole new level of compassion out of this experience. Crying is resilience, so is nurturing myself with a massage or quiet time. Hurting is hurting....not to get too caught up in it is the thing....One memory helps me - As we waited for the ambulance to come to take T to palliative care, a very bright rainbow unexpectedly appeared. T managed to sit up and view it, told me to grab the camera and take a photo....we shared a deep feeling of peace and everything's all right. Family and friends later said they'd seen it too! That picture enlarged and framed kept me going all the time I packed to move, and the memory of it sustains me when the pain cuts through.

[#6]

Hi Louise. Thanks for sharing your story. The idea of a memorial/bereavement site is a great one. I have a strong desire to be with people who are going through this too. I feel so alone sometimes. I love the rainbow moment. Andy told the children he'd send them rainbows. In the past, they would always send rainbows to each other when they went to bed (visual imagery to help with anxiety) so, rainbows are special in our family too. Sallyx

[Nanna1]

Hello Louise, I too, recently lost my husband to cancer. 5/8/2009. He also passed away while in a palliative unit, and like you, I was holding his hand as he took his last breath. My husband was also struggling with his breathing and unable to eat. He had a tracheotomy due to severe swelling in his face and neck. Over a period of months his ability to eat and drink declined to the point where he wasn't able to do either. It was such a difficult thing to watch as my husband wasted away before me - I felt so helpless! He was so brave, so very brave. I have a wonderfully supportive family, but at this stage haven't been to see a counselor. It is something I'm thinking of doing but as yet, haven't found the time to go. I have been kept very busy with visits from family and friends. My mum has been staying with me for the last 3 months but is due to return home (interstate) next week. My dad also passed away two years ago - lung cancer, so mum knew exactly what I was going through. My mum is also "getting on" in years and will be 80 next birthday. Mum is due for a knee reconstruction asap, something she postponed to be here for me. I have decided to take the remainder of this year off work so I can care for mum during her surgery/recovery period and also to care for my daughter who will be having surgery in October. I have been thinking about your rainbow moment and I understand how special that was. My husband and I managed to "get away" for a weekend towards the end of his illness. We were driving through the country and decided to visit a Macadamia farm that we had seen advertised in a brochure. It was a rough drive into the farm, but once we arrived we were rewarded by the most beautiful tree. It was in autumn leaf and with a slight breeze, was shedding it's leaves. We were both spell-bound by the beauty of this tree and at that moment we both felt so calm and peaceful. It was very special. My husband also insisted I take a photo of that tree. It's a gorgeous photo. I haven't had it printed yet, but I'm thinking of printing that photo on the many thank you notes that I've yet to do. Hopefully others will enjoy our photo too. Oh, and just for the record, we didn't see any macadamia trees. After a lovely hot chocolate in the cafe and talking about "our" tree, we forgot all about them!

[#8]

Hi gnomes, My heart is with you at this moment. The same thing has happened with my father, he passed on the 17th of August and it wasn't the cancer that he passed from, he underwent a procedure in a hospital. You are welcome to talk to me, I wish I could give you a big hug, because I know what you are going through. On another note, I would love to get your perspective on palliaitve care and the experiences you had with it. Please email me, I'd love to listen to you and hear your thoughts, we can exchange what we have both learn't about the experience. God Bless you sweetheart. I'm sorry.