Depression

[Richard1]

After my cancer and chemo I’ve found life is not as easy as it was. I keep feeling depressed and anxious and very tired. Constant bills and maintenance and obligations that keep coming feel like bricks being loaded onto my shoulders, I used to be able to shrug them of, now the weight just keeps piling on. I know it’s my responsibility as an adult to bear that weight, I just wish it could be easier.

[Susana_CCNSW]

Hi Richard,

Thank you for your post

I am very sorry to hear how much life has changed for you, despite your cancer diagnosis you still have to make ends meet. It is a lot you have to deal with every day and finding ways to cope with all even more difficult.

Thanks for reaching out, if you would like to talk to a professional for support, please call our support and information line on 13 11 20 Mon to Fri,  between 9am to 5pm. 

Hopefully there is a service suitable for your needs

Warm regards

Susana

Cancer Council

Online Community

[Richard1]

Thanks. Good days and bad days. It’s a constant struggle. I try to be happy but it’s fake, nothing brings me joy anymore. It is what it is I guess, this is life now. Just a nobody trying to survive. Not caring about anything does feel liberating. But I do miss being happy.

[Miranda_ccnsw]

Hi @Richard1 

Be gentle with yourself, you've been through a lot in the past months. Diagnosis, surgery and treatment is lifechanging. Both your body and mind will take time to adjust and respond to everything you've been through. Take things a day at a time and lean on the strength you found during treatment. You're not alone in feeling the weight of bills and life stuff. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling? Seeking support to talk through things can be really helpful at all stages of the journey. 

For others out there who may have felt something similar, what have you found helped you to cope?

Stay strong,

Miranda 

CCNSW

[Richard1]

I started anti depressant tablets, they don’t do anything. I’m trying to exercise more and eat healthy. I know I’ll get through it, just being in that mindset now sucks. Thank you for your support. I will not give up…

[Richard1]

I’m really struggling with life. Having no motivation and energy all the time is eating away who I used to be. It’s Sunday morning, tried to sleep in, but my body clock won’t let me. Im in so much pain, back, knees, shoulders, wrists. Everything hurts, I tried to play with the kids yesterday, and all I remember is being a grumpy bastard. It’s no fair on them. And the next day I promise myself I’ll do better, but I keep falling into that same trap. When they grow up all they’ll remember is me being not happy. I can’t see it getting any easier, every week I feel less strong, more tired. Fuck me. I’m a man, I should be strong not matter what. First thing when I woke up I had a little cry. What the fuck is that about? Men don’t cry! It just came out, I had no control over it. Well whatever. I’m going to have a shower, look over my dogs grave, let my other dog outside, then crawl back into bed and read. No wonder I’m going crazy, I have no hobbies, no friends, no life. Work, sleep, rest, work, sleep, rest… almost 30 years doing the same thing over and over again. It’s my own fault, I played it safe, didn’t take risks and now I’m a grump, unhappy, tired, broken human. My best years are behind me, I’ll never know success, happiness, love, freedom.

Suck it up princess and be a man. Life is pain, dying is easy.

[Miranda_ccnsw]

Hi @Richard1 

I can hear the struggle you're having with life after treatment. Reconciling how life is now vs what it could have been for you can be really hard as you try to find a new version of normal when so much has changed.

You've always leaned into processing what's going on for you by sharing here in the community which is a great way to help you cope better with all the ups and downs you're facing - keep sharing. I'm sure the realness of your shared journey will continue help others as well as yourself.

You've mentioned antidepressants not working - here are a few resources that you may not have seen already that may help understand them better. I'd also encourage you to talk to your GP about your medication as finding what will work for you can take a while as you try different options. 

Beyond Blue - Treatments for Depression

Beyond Blue - Antidepressant Medication

And lastly, there are some great resources on survivorship here that may be of help - there are webinars you may wish to have a look at. 

Stay strong,

Miranda

CCNSW

[iamtommy]

Hi @Richard1, 

It's tough reading what you're going through because I've also been there.

Being upfront, I'm browsing these forums because I'm also looking for help - so I don't come to you with a solution, but I do want to share my experience with you with a hope that it might be helpful.

I was diagnosed with high-grade Glioblastoma in 2020. I was given less than 2 years to live by Charlie Teo who wanted to dig into my brain to remove the cancer, while pocketing a large sum of money. As you can imagine, this news devastated me and my wife at the time, but lucky I had 2nd and 3rd opinions who disagreed with him.

I'm glad I refused and six years on, I am lucky and very very grateful that I live a relatively normal life.

But I do recall that immediately after the treatment of radiation and chemo, my life was exactly as you described it. Feeling "hung over" 24/7. Lack of motivation to want to do anything. Difficulty sleeping. Constant fatigue. Loss of ability to have complex thoughts, or it's very tiring to think.

Exercise helps for a fraction of a moment but it's so difficult to begin and the effect was short lived.

What did help me significantly was to do acupuncture. It might depend on who you do it with, but I found someone that was fantastic. A 1 hour acupuncture helped alleviate the fatigue for 2-3 days. I discovered it 6 months into the treatment.

It's also tough to hear that you don't have something to live for. For me, I have two young children and they are literally the reason I continue the battle.

I can't imagine it being easy to find something to live for if you feel like you don't have one now. It sounds futile for me to urge you to find a reason, but I will anyway.

I really hope you can find something to live for.

The battle you're experiencing does get easier. I speak from experience.

First year is hard but it does get better.

If you want to hear about why I'm perusing these forums, just ask. But I don't want to dump this information on you because I know first hand you're going through a period where you don't have a reason to care about other people's issues - and it's absolutely not a fault on your part. I completely understand.

[Richard1]

If I could just get over the physical pain and lack of energy I know the clouds in my head will clear. Your right about the exercise, it’s a temporary fix, cold showers help. Everyone around me has moved on but I feel like I’m still trapped in the cancer whirlwind. Am I just being a bitch, moaning all the time. At work it’s like it never happened, and they expect me to be 100 percent efficient which is impossible, I can barely get out of bed in the morning and when I get home from work I crawl on the floor in pain. I just don’t know anymore. But I am still fighting, I still get out of bed, go to work, take care of things. The old me won’t give up. When it gets to much I find a quiet spot by myself and raise my middle fingers in the air and scream fuck off. That’s my therapy for the day, it helps.

[Richard1]

Thanks Miranda, I’ve tried antidepressants, talking to doctors, cancer caregivers ect. None of those things work, my brain is hard wired to be independent so it’s hard relying on others for help. I will get through this, sharing my story and daily struggles help. I guess I’ve not had a proper break from it all. 2 and half weeks after my surgery I was back at work, Looking back that was stupid. The doctor told to have 3 months rest, again that’s my old self being stubborn. Same with chemo, worked non stop throughout it all. I must be burnt out, it’s hard to stop my old ways, 29 years of solid work has made me a robot. Again I will keep moving forward, although I feel like I’m falling behind.