Do you ever learn to trust your body again?

[Ally3]

Hi, I've finished treatment and feel like I've been spat out the other end and I don't exactly know what to do or how to start picking up the pieces. I work and a come home and that's the extent of my life, that I fought so hard for, because i'm too tired to do anything else. My brain feels like swiss cheese, and what i can manage to keep in it is confused. I ache all the time and yet i'm told i'm better. I don't know what my body is telling me anymore. The what ifs are driving me crazy and the friends I have left don't understand. My psych tells me I need to work on my general pissed-off-ed-ness and that pissed me off! Not only now do I not trust my body I don't trust my emotions either. I keep asking people if I'm allowed to feel angry when something happens that annoys me. I feel stupid doing it and I don't know what to do. Any ideas?

[diannep52]

Hi Ally3 sounds like your 'coming down' from the cancer rollercoaster!!! When first diagnosed we are shunted around from doctor to doctor; test to test; and so on. The we have surgery, then we have chemo (maybe) then radiation (maybe) and then a regime of tablets that would put any pharmacy to shame, then MORE tests, doctors, scans, etc to make sure that all of the above did the trick. I was originally diagnosed with advanced breast cancer two years ago, and even though I am still having ongoing treatments, there have been times when I too felt like I had been thrown on the scrapheap! What we have to understand is that this bloody disease (any cancer) plays with not only our bodies, but also our minds. If you let it, it will 'do your head in'. What you need is to give your body time to adjust to everything that it has been through, and give your mind time to adjust and clear out. It is natural (I think) to feel angry - BUT NOT ALL THE TIME! This is just your natural defense kicking in - but you will need to start worrying if it becomes 'all consuming' and takes over your life! Please let your body adjust to everything slowly, of course you will be tired - how many people do you know that get up and walk away from being hit by a Mack truck (which is how I describe the feeling after all the treatments we have!). You will get some normalcy (is that a word??) back in your life, but it will take time. Please try not to dwell on whether your cancer will return - you cant move forward, if you are always looking back. Take care and dont be too hard on yourself. You are just being 'normal'. Di 🙂

[Teacher_Mum]

Be gentle with yourself and yes it does take a while. I am just on a year and bit in remission from gynae cancer and its only now I can learn to live without the anvil hanging over my head and 'what if-ing' all the time, but it still creeps in every now and again. I had a rude shock last week when I worked really long hours and the routine became: work, home, work, home and I was so tired that I threw up in the bathroom. Even in remission we forget. Cancer changes your body with regards to 'capabilities'. Take a step back and remind yourself you made it, you are making it and its one day at a time. Get rid of any expectations too, put your little black book on a diet and take care of yourself. You are living in all your gorgeousness 🙂

[diannep52]

Hi, what an excellent comment, and so, so true! I hope you stay well and have a wonderful life! Di 🙂

[Jules_68]

Its like starting a new relationship, you grieve for the body lost and nervous about the altered body now. I battle emotionally day to day with this. There is no right or wrong way to travel your own journey......

[SamR]

Hi Ally3, I've survived Endometrial cancer (diagnosed @36yrs)- 9 years now - all the way through my cancer has been considered "rare", because of the way it developed. I wanted honesty from those treating me and got it. There were no official stats on survival rates or anything to use as a guide, so at first I felt very much like I was in the ocean in a very small life vest. The treatment, the tiredness & then the struggle between getting life back to normal and coping with the fact that there was no chance of "normal" again.... I think it took me 3-4 yrs to "Accept" my bell curve of "Normal" had shifted. Shock menopause was a roller coaster of it's very own. At first every ache & pain triggered a "what-if". For me and I can only speak for me - coz cancer is a very individual experience, I would say it was 5 years, before the "what-if" really subsided. I still get it occasionally (lead up to the annual check-up/anniversary of finishing radiotherapy). Some of the long term side effects of radiotherapy have kicked in for me bringing in new things to consider, but can I be certain it's caused by the radiotherapy - no, who knows what life would have been, if there had been no cancer? I do feel there was a pre-cancer "me" and a "post-cancer" me. I do sometimes get angry that my energy levels are tend to be lower (but I am 9yrs older), I seem to catch more colds etc... but I've also learned to value "me" much more... hard in this "possession centric" generation... but I've accepted life in the "slower lane" is actually much more rewarding than in the "fast lane".... This is a second chance at life. There are others who have conditions like Cerebal Palsy, who battle from Day 1 to live, with so much difficulty and restriction... so LIVE - to the best you can. I found art therapy worked well, I can't paint very well - but find it relaxing. Ian Gawler Foundation has some really good meditation CD's which helped me too. Go well and "LOVE" the new you.

[SamR]

Hi Ally3, I've survived Endometrial cancer (diagnosed @36yrs)- 9 years now - all the way through my cancer has been considered "rare", because of the way it developed. I wanted honesty from those treating me and got it. There were no official stats on survival rates or anything to use as a guide, so at first I felt very much like I was in the ocean in a very small life vest. The treatment, the tiredness & then the struggle between getting life back to normal and coping with the fact that there was no chance of "normal" again.... I think it took me 3-4 yrs to "Accept" my bell curve of "Normal" had shifted. Shock menopause was a roller coaster of it's very own. At first every ache & pain triggered a "what-if". For me and I can only speak for me - coz cancer is a very individual experience, I would say it was 5 years, before the "what-if" really subsided. I still get it occasionally (lead up to the annual check-up/anniversary of finishing radiotherapy). Some of the long term side effects of radiotherapy have kicked in for me bringing in new things to consider, but can I be certain it's caused by the radiotherapy - no, who knows what life would have been, if there had been no cancer? I do feel there was a pre-cancer "me" and a "post-cancer" me. I do sometimes get angry that my energy levels are tend to be lower (but I am 9yrs older), I seem to catch more colds etc... but I've also learned to value "me" much more... hard in this "possession centric" generation... but I've accepted life in the "slower lane" is actually much more rewarding than in the "fast lane".... This is a second chance at life. There are others who have conditions like Cerebal Palsy, who battle from Day 1 to live, with so much difficulty and restriction... so LIVE - to the best you can. I found art therapy worked well, I can't paint very well - but find it relaxing. Ian Gawler Foundation has some really good meditation CD's which helped me too. Go well and "LOVE" the new you.

[sammydrm]

Hi Ally3, I think I know just how you feel.. I'm 5 years post treatment, and while I cant complain about my life in general, I am constantly questioning myself on whether I am making the most of every day! I guess we all make a tonne of promises to ourselves when we're sick, but then life goes on and not all these promises can be met. The question you put forward on trusting our bodies is definitely a good one. I have to say no, I dont fully trust my body.. I dont think I ever will. However I do trust myself to look after my body the best I can. At the end of the day its all we really can do! All the best Sam http://lifeafterlymphoma.blogspot.com

[sassykali]

I am VERY much struggling with this. I had endometrial cancer almost two years ago now. My two year anniversary is in September. The tiredness, and the fatigue and the fact that no one seems to understand it, including ME! I try not to complain to much, because im greatfull to BE HERE to be able to complain, but its so hard. I work all of 30 hours a week now and that is about all i can handle and i feel like thats not ok? its hard to accept, because i want to work more i want to be able to work more. I want to be alot more active but dont feel like i have it in me anymore. Its so confusing. My brain is not even close to the same. I forget things, i cant focus to save my life and my friends just think im lazy. I am a generally positive person, but this has tested that. I feel like i blame everything on surgical menopause, which seems like a cop out but then i look up menopause symptoms and it all fits. Its alot harder than i ever imagined.

[Ally3]

Hi Sassykali, It's been a while since I have been on the site and your message came up. I have moved on, slowly, and I can tell you that it does get better. I'm coming up to my three year anniversary. I'm not going to tell you that life is perfect, cause it's not. I still have my moments and my memory I am told will never be quite them same but at least I am developing ways to cope with it. It did take time to accept my new reality. I do really understand what you are going through. I had a 'unique form' of endometrial cancer and menopause is a bitch! Most of my friends did disappear, and at the time it really hurt, but the benefit is that I now have a small circle of friends who I can focus on and I know they love me for who I am and accept me the way I am (post cancer). I cherish them for their on-going support and I thank God that the others have fallen by the wayside because I don't have the time or energy to put into false relationships. I am part of the gynecological group on this site which has regular chat sessions. Unfortunately it is on during a time when I cannot make it but you might like to consider joining. Sometimes I wish I could sit down face to face with other survivors 'like me' just to make sure that I am not alone. Talking helps and talking to people with common understanding is even better. I really hope that you have the strength to keep going.