Life after Leukaemia - Hello is that the universe? Yeah hey, this wasn't my plan...

[Alexander]

Hey everyone!

This is my first post on the forum! Which is great. Now i've had Leukaemia for the first time AND posted on the forum for the first time, heaps of firsts. Kicking goals.

I'm not really sure how this works so I'll just lay out the facts. My name is Alex and I'm an alcoholic....no, wrong forum. My name is Alex and I'm a survivor of AML - Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. I was diagnosed in December 2008, one week before Christmas (Thanks Santa) and spent 7 months in Nepean Hospital in Western Sydney. 244 days to be exact. It was, unquestionably, the most difficult time of my life. I suppose that's to be expected. What I didn't expect was that once I was sent home, my life would be just as hard.

I'm 28 now and the time spent with chemo coursing through my veins recedes into the distance, but it still affects me emotionally and mentally as much as ever.

Truth be told I often felt, and continue to feel, that I was designated to die back then. But some holy power, be it God or the universe, marked my file incorrectly and I've been left wandering earth ever since. I have felt such deep emptiness at my survival, such guilt and shame that other lives have been lost when all I did was lie in bed and hope for the best. I am so grateful for life and I want to make the most of it, but too often I feel empty and sad, like a ghost. For lack of a better expression - I'm dying to live.

I guess I'll leave it here for now and leave the floor open to feedback if anyone feels like chatting.

How have you sought meaning after your cancer fight was over?

Have you felt empty and how did you combat those feelings?

Any words of wisdom for this bloke on how to go forward in life?

Thanks for your time and keep up the fight all of you, we all kick ass 🙂

Yours in time,

Alex

[Katekat]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us @Alexander!

How are you doing this afternoon?

I wonder if you might find our survivorship webinars of interest? They cover a range of different topics and are accessible here. Just choose to filter by survivorship, or have a look at them all.

[LauraR]

Hey there, 

I am an AML survivor too and I'm feeling so lost and guilty right now. I'm 31, I had a pelvic ewings sarcoma in 2014 when I was 27. I had treatment for the ewings, went into remission, then 9 months later BAM you've got AML. I had more treatment then a bone marrow transplant (stem cells) from my brother. I'm in remission now. I feel like I've lost the last three years of my life and nothing is the same. I am so grateful I survived but being a survivor is bloody hard.

I can totally relate to what you're saying.

Sending positive vibes to you xxx

[Alexander]

G'day Laura

Your message really hit home for me. Those feelings of loss, sorrow and the clouds that block your vision, holding away the sun and leaving you stranded on an island of darkness. I've been there and had them all, truth be told I have them still.

I'm 28, and having those same feelings of 'what a waste of my young life'. But I certainly have moments, and thankfully they are becoming more common, where things feel OK 🙂 And for that I'm super greatful.

You've definitely helped me feel better today by sharing your story, and reminding me I am not alone in the way I feel. And if its any consolation to you, I'm still here and kicking almost 8 years in remission from my AML. 

We're a bloody tough lot us survivors. It might not feel like it some days. Amid the fear and pain, the anxiety and sadness. But under it all, we're made of steel. I'm really proud to be part of a community of people like that.

Much love Laura xx

[LauraR]

Hi Alexander, 

its nice to to hear someone else feels the way I do too. Yep us survivors are bloody tough, that's for sure! 

Ive added you on Insta gram 😉