My 4th year -- re BREAST CANCER

[frangipani]

hellow survivors I was reading thru some of the blogs and just burst out crying. It seems so long since the big change happened in my life. being on CANCER CONNECTIONS helps so much confirming we not alone. So much in the news recently about celebs having a double masectomy etc etc. I have learnt so much about life in general. I have matured in many ways but there is one big thing. As much as I pretend that i am normal i am not. when i finally finish my day and i put my head down on my pillow its like HEY! you can step out of it now and just let it all melt down.... Its been a long time since i was on CC I turned 61 -- became a grandma 3 years ago when i got diagnosed -- suffered with the reconstruction on both breasts. They are still like 2 bricks and still find difficulty sleeping on my side at night. My toes still hurt they are still numb and my toe nails are still going black and the complete nail just drops off. fortunately there is a new little one ready to see the world. Ye you gotta laugh.... Recently, i am getting a cough that sounds like whooping cough. had a blood test that confirmed that it was,nt but who knows each year there are so many new ones. Last week i had a flu vaccine which made me very sick but after 2 days i feel better. A new thing which is happening is my blood pressure is excalating!! I regularly was a 120/80 now it hovers over 140/99 after 3 attempts will have to see my GP and go on tabs. Maybe its the 100 day cough that is causing this. I hate to say it but YES chemo brain is still going to stay. I have retired from work, given it all up but to keep sane i do a lot of gardening, am currently working on a 3000 piece jigsaw puzzle and travelling as much as i can with my grand daughter. my beautiful Sofija will turn 4 this year which means i am still on remission and my oncologist still reminds me that i do have cancer!! My dear husband of 39 years? i look at him each day and wonder how much longer will he remain in our marriage.... as i said i am just pretending, the real me does not want to be in this marriage as its too hurtful for me to see him suffer this journey together. As i say there is a reason for everything and being a Hindu i was thought that cancer is our final journey, we have already gone through our several lives and finaly we will arrive "home"

[Jenna]

thanks for your honesty Frangipani, its been a tough ride for you. Post treatment and the ongoing effects arent so well known and I find it hard to get people to understand further down the track what we still might be facing. I had this neuropathy happening and numbness in the feet which felt like the start of frost bite, it continued on for about 16-18 months and was quite depressing. I totally identify with the whole putting on a front thing, and im quite fed up with it at the moment. I'd love to just tumble into bed and not get up again until I really feel like it! I think half the frustration and exhaustion of it all is feeling we have to be a certain way for others and be someone that we're not. It changes you a lot and we can never go back to exactly who we were before it all started. I find it has made me a bit jaded with life and I dont tolerate some people or situations anymore. But like you I think I have my sense of humour intact and probably developed my humour along the way 🙂 which I have enjoyed. Best wishes with your day to day journey and I hope to hear from you again to see how you're going!