HOW DO I FORGIVE????

[AmandaC]

I just spent the weekend with my Mum for her birthday, it really was like spending the weekend with a complete stranger. She has only seen my boys twice this year not including the weekend, she never calls…she is just never here. We felt like a nuisance and my 3 ½ year old kept asking to go home, I really feel like I can’t put him through it anymore. Its bad enough my MIL comes up most Sundays and ignores my son and tells him to be quiet she came to see his daddy, I just feel so angry right now! When I got sick I can barely remember a moment when she spoke to me or came to visit or helped me at all. I had to wait 5 months after surgery for treatment and the only person I knew I could stay with in Sydney was my Mum, so I did it. I think it was the most time I had spent with her in 9 months or more. She was hardly ever home anyway…when I had to go to the hospital for RAI she just dropped me off to the waiting room with my bags and left. I am struggling with all of this I can’t understand how a mother can be this way to her child and grandchildren in turn. I am a mum and I would not leave my children side, I would respect there journey, adore their children and make an effort! I just had to get that off my chest, I admit very publicly; but I think in order for me to move forward I need to get this emotional baggage out there so that I can move on from it. I am sick of the all consuming ridiculousness of my family, they alone have made my journey prolonged and difficult. I am hoping putting this out there might enable me to get a different perspective on the last 3 years, that my journey will suddenly progress into the place I need to go.

[#2]

Hi Amanda, i dont really know what to say but i usually only see my parents once a week and they only live 5 mins from me,and all my dad does is yell at my kids to shutup, so im glad i dont see him that much and my mum doesnt spend any time with my kids when she is here. My inlaws are the same as your story, i havent seen my MIL for nearly 18mths as she hates me for apparently making her son {my hubby} spend all of his time caring for me as ive been sick for a while, my kids dont call either sets grandparents. How do you forgive and Forget and move on ? That is one thing i would like to know, all my friends have great mother in laws and mine just sux and sometimes i get jealous but im just trying to forget all about her. Does anyone else have this problem?

[AmandaC]

Sham, Thanks for your reply I really feel like the only person in the world with a crap mum and MIL most of the time. While I am not happy someone else goes through the same stuff its nice to know I am not alone. My MIL always tells me her son got cancer because he had to look after me when I was sick and that he stuck by me which is good for a young man to do...WTF!!!!!! I can feel the rage burning again I have to stop myself. I guess the good thing is our kids have loving devoted parents and that is so important, our kids don't dwell on our lack of energy or when we are sick they think of all the great things we do and cherish the time we spend with them. So I guess our parents and in laws are the ones who loose, they miss out on being a part of their very important lives. Thanks you for sharing your story with me, I have spent the last few days in a complete haze of anxiety/depression about it all I am feeling a little better that someone herd my story.

[#4]

Hi Amanda, i am also glad, now i dont feel so alone, I kinda had a laugh to myself when you wrote that its our parents and inlaws that miss out. My brother got married approx 2.5 weeks ago and my mum actually nursed my 2.5year old bubba to sleep, she then looked at me and said, gosh i cant believe hes gotten so big. When he was born youd think every1 wanted a cuddle? How wrong was i? no-one wanted a cuddle, my eldest child {Joshua} is 13 years old next month and all my parents say to me is "oh dont they grow up so fast" and "oh weve missed out on so much" but to me and as harsh as it may sound i dont think that they qualify for grandparent status. My kids actually asked me when i got diaganosed with cancer if they could hire grandparents somewhere as their friends grandparents are great and they think theirs sux. When i have my next op in sept my father was going to be my carer but my kids have all said they dont want him here at their home, they will do all the chores that i cant do, Gosh my kids are great!!!!! I love them soooooooooo much!!!!!

[#5]

Hi Amanda and Sham. Things aren't ideal with my family either. To cool the burning in my chest when I'm overwhelmed by their 'f***ness' I say my favourite saying: It is what it is. I can't control them. It isn't fair, how dare they, this is just f*****! But, I can't change them, so it is what is and I can only change how I react to it. My husbands family served us with an eviction notice 10 days after Andy was buried.We have been renting their home for 14 years. So now, 6 weeks after losing my husband, I'm expected to pack up my children and our things and move on. Oh well...it is what it is....I'm relying on karma to get them...and I'm going to sue the crap out of them! 🙂

[stevec]

Hey Sally, Your story really is heartbreaking. I hope the you and the universe dish out a decent serve of karma on Andy's family. Sounds like they deserve it. Steve

[AmandaC]

Sally I agree karma will get them in the end...i want to kick your in-laws up the butt. I have figured it out! so many people of our parents era are selfish self absorbed b****ds and they have alot to answer for. I hope your move is going OK and that the kids see it as an adventure rather than the harsh reality of what it is. Will they still see their grandparents?

[Loraleeb]

Hello Amanda, I found this thread interesting because it touches on something I researched into for my book, and that is how our families and traumas suffered can seriously affect our health. Just out of interest, how is/was your relationship with your family/mother generally? I believe the pain and loneliness a child suffers through being mistreated manifests itself later as illness. I was abandoned by my biological mother when I was 7. After surfing the social care system for over 2 years I was adopted by my new family, but my new mother was abusive in that she didn't love me. All of that pain had to surface somewhere. I got cancer when I was 15. Miraculously I survived it against all the odds. About five years ago I lost my biological mother to cancer, got divorced, and then lost my little sister to cancer; she was only 21. Not surprisingly, I developed cancer again - this time inflammatory bc. The connection in my mind between inner sorrow and illness could not be ignored and I went on a hunt for all the information I could find relating to this topic. I was astounded by how much evidence there is. Finding out what I have, I've been on a mission to heal my inner child - to push away those mountains and make space for me on my terms. I had help through healing, counselling, yoga exercise and joining a support group. I will never feel shiny and new, but I am definitely shining a lot more than I used to and can find happiness in all the bleakness around me. I don't know if you can relate any of my story to yours - just thought it was worth a stab. LLx

[Nikki_YAC]

hey gals, i don't know or begin to know what you all must feel or have gone through, as i am so fortunate to have a very caring mother. i praise your honesty and bravery in each of your situations... it breaks my heart to hear each of your stories. i am so glad you have a place like this site that helps you connect, discuss and relate your life issues with each other.

[AmandaC]

loralee, Its funny you should mention the connection between illness and hurt, I have also been investigating this alot lately. I keep thinking what it is my husband and I have in common that could possibly have made us both get cancer, the answer seems to be our terrible upbringings. I spend alot of time right now investigating different avenues to express our anger ect and move forward in a positive way. We already do yoga but I am making more of an effort, along with our kids we are creating a loving nurturing environment in our home and actually I am keen to read your book...will have ot get a copy 🙂