HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Nikki_YAC
Frequent Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Hi LL, your book sounds facinating! I have just checked the link for your book and unfortunately it is not available through this site. do you have another link that it is available through for us Aussies to get a copy of? BTW, i see that you live in the UK. i would love to know how you came across our cancer connections site here and the YAC section? Best, Nikki
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Loraleeb
Occasional Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

hi Nikki! My book is supposed to be available through: http://www.fishpond.com.au/advanced_search_result.php?author=Lora%20Lee%20Boynton&format=Hardback If you can't find it there - please try Amazon :-) I found your site through Twitter. I keep trying to find a site where ppl accept me and treat me as one of their own... more difficult than I thought it would be. I'm an American living in the UK. I keep hoping I'll be accepted somewhere 🙂 LLx
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AmandaC
Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Ahhh there in lies the problem loralee you should have moved to Australia, us convicts are much more accepting 😉
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Nikki_YAC
Frequent Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

hi LL, ahhh the beauty of twitter 🙂 glad you found us there! like Amanda says... we will take you!! come hang with us. this is the message from the site you provided above ... "This title is currently unavailable for purchase as none of our regular suppliers have stock available." likewise i just jumped onto Amazon, as you suggested and they also said... "Sign up to be notified when this item becomes available." any other suggestions? Nikki
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stevec
Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Welcome to the group loralee! it doesn't matter where your from, we're all here for the same reason. Looking forward to reading your book too Steve
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Loraleeb
Occasional Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Yes, of ocurse, the book is being printed as I type this and will be ready in about a week, so please do order through Amazon. Don't give up on me yet :-) LLxxx
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Loraleeb
Occasional Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Well, I often think of changing countries again, and I was quite the rebel teenager... I'd fit right in! 🙂 LLx
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Jo_Hilder
Not applicable

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Dear Amanda, I so related to your original post about forgiveness. Cancer has this way of bringing out the best and worst in people. Its also a time when our sensitivity is heightened, so we notice the things people do and dont do much more. Forgiveness is key to the healing process, but clearly you know this. Acknowledging that there is a forgivenes which needs to occur is the first step. And you have done that. Give yourself some credit and also a break. When we have been betrayed deeply and let down like you have by someone we are supposed to be loved by and love, it can be more like a process to forgive, and not the immediate unburdening event we wish it would be. It may take time. I suggest you talk yourself through it every time the thoughts come to your mind. We all run the mind dvd of the things which have hurt us, events we wish could have been different, things people said and did to us which hurt us. We re-live these over and over like playing a movie. Part of forgiving is letting these thoughts go - breaking the circle they run in. They go round and round until we let them go. We can acknowledge the occurence and the feelings that go with it, and even allow ourselves to feel that hurt, cry, be indignant and angry. But then its beneficial to allow the next stage to come, which is grief. You will maybe need to grieve this relationship Amanda, because its like a little death has occured for you. This mother-daughter realtionship you both could have shared and which could have been drawn upon in your time of need (cancer) has been shown to be not everything you rightly hoped it would be and could be. Your expectation that your mum would support you the way you hoped she would is not unrealistic in the respect that its natural you would expect her to be supportive and caring. But in light of how she has behaved instead, its clear you will in future have to adjust your expectations. Thats sad for you both, especially you because its you feeling this loss. Its been unfair, but it is how it is. Acceptance is the first step to forgiveness. If you can accept that your mum did not set out to hurt you or do you wrong, that she merely did what she did for whatever reason, then you may be able to se her in a new light - with compassion. That might be an appropriate way to see someone who had a role to fulfil but missed out on their opportunity to shine? She had a great opportunity to shine, and be a part of something wonderful between you both. But she could not participate. I encourage you to move towards a more compassionate view of your mum. Clearly, she hasnt an understanding of what motherhood requires for a crisis such as you had. See her more as a fellow human being at these moments, and not just as your mum. This may help you see her in adifferent light. Its also OK for you to adjust your "boundaries". Forgiveness is one thing - its possible for you to do this - but please don;t think that you must put yourself in a position to be let down again. Trust is precious and must be earned. Perhaps you resist forgiving because you think you will have to place yourself in a vulnerable position with her again, knowing you'll be let down. You may wish to move up in your own world and be a bit of a "mum" to yourself. take on some of that nurturing yourself - you know you'll always be kind and loving toward you! And make sure you do. Its important to realise that as an adult you dont have to give your trust out arbitrarily. This doesnt mean being uncivil or distant. Its just means managing your boundaries, and making sure you are in control of where you begin and others end. Every time that mind-movie comes into your head Amanda, remind yourself that your mum is just a human being with limitations, that she did the best she could at the time, that the only person you can change is you and that you certainly cant change the past. You dont have to be that vulnerable again, and the greatest gift you can give yourself is to let your mum off the hook. She is never going to be able to make up for what happened. Nothing she could do, even if she wanted to, would take away the past. Sometimes we resist forgiving because we feel its a huge blessing we are giving for free to someone who has done nothing to deserve it, and which they may never acknowledge or understand. Forgiving your mum is not a gift you are giving the undeserving. Its a gift you are giving yourself. Its a gift of peace, joy, acceptance and love. Its a present not to her - but to YOU! I hope this helps to make it easier for you. Praying for you, hope you continue in good health and well-being! Blessings, Jo 🙂
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AmandaC
Contributor

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Thank you Jo for your incredibly insuightful reply to my conundrum, its sounds like you are well versed in forgiveness especiallyw iht those who are oblivious to their wrong doing. I have managed since this time to set some boundaries with my Mum to ensure when she is around life does not fall apart. Just the other day she decided to drop in, she normally stays overnight and I told her that our baby had just moved into his room and we don;t have anywhere for her to stay unless she wnated to sleep in one of the kids rooms. Sadly I knew this would make her retreat, but on a good note the visit was short and sweet and only slightly stale by the time she left. I have decided the best thing I can do is be the best mum for my kids so they never have to experience the disappointment I have had. My husband and I are very attentative parents, our mothers are never around but our kids will always have us to appreciate them :) I think you are right I need to forgive her as a human being, it doesn't mean I have to frogive her actions or accept them as ok. She is still my Mum but its is what it is and there is nothing I could say or do to change that. tahnks again 🙂
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Not applicable

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Hi I'm also fascinated by the link bw cancer and emotional trauma. My parents divorced at 10. I stopped seeing my father at 16 and haven't seen him since (I'm 37). He was a very abusive. I had 10 years of counseling after a nervous break down at 21. My step father is a wonderful man and unfortunately has bipolar disorder and is often suicidal. This causes a huge emotional strain on my family and I am often the peace maker and one to drop everything when my mum and dad are doing it tough. I guess you can say life is not always easy. So at 36 my tumour appeared. When I was getting my stitches and staples out weeks after surgery a nurse asked me what my life was like prior to getting cancer. She said it was astounding how many patients had trauma or loss bf cancer. You have to wonder don't you? so if this is the case, how do we all learn to let go?
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