Common Threads here and where does it go?

[oldhippy]

Hi All, been reading things here, (ranting a lot to people as well) and 2 things have struck me... 1.Cancer patients - basically, we dont know what the heck is going on - thats the really the freaky bit. Want some facts....(bummer).... 2.Carers - I 'Dips me Lid' to you lot, your battling on, doing the best you can, feeling inadequate, but not letting go. One lady here, doing it for her second husband. Wow, dont think I could do that. And the big one, - we feel disconnected, all of us, patients and carers. - our friends drop off, our families - well, varied reactions. In a lot of cases, they just.....leave.....physically or mentally. Its a lonely time, made worse by things like that. And - I have done that to someone, I admit it - wish I hadn't, but I couldn't cope - couldn't "Fix" it (for a engineer, thats a real kick in the guts) - my rationalisation at the time, anyway. I didn't know what to do, didn't know how to help, too difficult to talk about,- so, I just wasn't there. I made the choice. Now that I am mature (hah!) would like to think I could do better. And we can talk here, to strangers, on the same journey, common threads, our common ..."Why?"...... and we can say to those strangers the things we cant say to out family and friends, the "yes, this is shit, but you dont have to run away" And if you cant do that, try to see why its happening, - I suspect its part of the evolutionary hard wired Fight/Run/Hide survival code. Because - we dont know how to , how to talk to our friends/families - they dont know how to talk to us, and themselves cope with what is happening to the lot of us - too hard. Anger can get in the way, adds to the general garbage. My thoughts, anyway. Andrew the oldhippy.

[harker]

It has been like that for four years (and counting) in my case. I have not lost friends but I have been floored by the monumental changes in my life brought about by diagnosis and treatment. Right now I am in a stage of transition to not working - I decided not to try and return to work - so all the issues of the last four years are there again. Communicate with whom, about what, when and how? And yes, why? You say us cancer patients ... 'don't know what the heck is gong on, that's the freaky bit'... and I can relate to that. But I would also say that I have come to realise that that is the human condition anyway, when confronted with mortality. So, for me it's not a matter of being disadvantaged by illness but a matter of being advantaged by being able to see more that I could before. So, I've stopped saying 'what the heck is going on' and am concentrating on making a future with what I have got here and now. It's fun. There are lots of things to work out with other people, I know. But you still have a life, even if you are an old hippy. H

[oldhippy]

Hey, thank you. Raised heaps of thoughts, issues, general miscellaneous "stuff" What resonated immediately/almost primal was the comment quote But I would also say that I have come to realise that that is the human condition anyway, when confronted with mortality. So, for me it's not a matter of being disadvantaged by illness but a matter of being advantaged by being able to see more that I could before. end quote I get flashes of that, more and more as time flows - its not bad, sorta laid back Buddhist type of thing - I grew up reading Herman Hesse , Carlos Castenada etc - so, that analogy suits me. BTW - 4 years - wow, - are congrats in order? - dont know, hows it goin for you? - (its impressive, good effort) is it tolerable, cool, bearable, fuckin awful - what? Apologies for maybe being rude/direct, no offense intended, OK? Work - how much of you was work, your hands, your strength, your hard won skills? Thats what hurts to be taken away - the rest is just medical crap. Even the Dog gives me a hard time recently on Walkies, major effort. Its not her fault, shes a young, energetic still idiot pup. I cant exercise her, socialise her - fuck, thats what hurts. Cant even walk the bloody Dog. Bad time of life to get a New Dog, gorgeous tho she is....those eyes..... she sussed me right out, putty in her hands, typical female... Interesting trip, what? Andrew aka oldhippy

[samex]

It's interesting that you ask "How much of you was work"? This is something that I have really changed about myself recently. I am a secondary teacher who works way too hard and spends way too much extra time giving extra classes etc, especially to HSC students.This is who I am. BUT what has changed, is that , while I still care deeply about my students and see that what I am paid to do is to maximise their education, it is no longer merely who I am. Before cancer, I believe, that my family and school were all important to me - my job defined my purpose in life to a great extent.After diagnosis, I could have walked away without a backward glance. My recognition of who I was had altered considerably. My problem has been as you stated, oldhippy, the sense of disconnection. I no longer view myself and the world in the same way and this has caused a lot of difficulties with some of my relationships. Very different world views and views of what is important in life. Facing one's mortality will do that to you. A freind died last night 3 months after diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She was unhappy in her job as a teacher and only did it for the income. She had a large house and all the "things" that money could buy.She had a good heart and lived for husband and son and was a loyal friend, but this evening I have again stopped to wonder about what is important. I am fortunate that I will retire in about 18 months. I will still be in a position to need to work casually, but I am looking forward to working on my own terms, not someone else's.It will certainly not worry me that after a few weeks no-one will even remember that I had been a teacher at the school! Yes Harker, I am looking forward to the future and just hope that I can maintain the clarity. Sorry about the rave - didn't intend for it to be like that!!! Samex

[oldhippy]

Hey, rant all you like - I do. Bit hard to do it anywhere else. People look at you, weird like.... ------------------ you said.. My problem has been as you stated, oldhippy, the sense of disconnection. I no longer view myself and the world in the same way and this has caused a lot of difficulties with some of my relationships. Very different world views and views of what is important in life. Facing one's mortality will do that to you. end quote. ------------------ yep, thats a real bastard that one - seems to be a common thread - the work thing, - so much of our identity is where we fit in the Hive, what we do rather than who we are... AND its all over the bloody place - wow, today I managed to clean up the back yard - started a week ago, but thats cool. was a lovely day. Is it Chemo Brain? - or being faced with our own mortality. The not knowing pisses me off - all the constraints I dont need, getting in the way of things I want to do (woo woo.) (that was for the preposition police...) So. tomorrow. No idea whats going to happen. Wish it would make up its mind. Got the washing done anyway. The old, mundane questions still shape our shared fate - is it going to rain tonight or not? And can I organise myself to go to the shops for...(something)..... Andrew the oldhippy.

[SILLY]

A couple of people referred to their work. I had stopped full-time teaching at age 47 and often regretted it,but until cancer had done relief work . I worked one day early last year and would have returned after treatment if my facial appearance had not been changed. I returned to other parts of my life after initial withdrawl.I did not have whatever it takes to be a teacher of primary school children any more. At first it upset me deeply as I had enjoyed nearly every day of that 12 years very much. Now I'm over it and think about it less often. If I could look as I did before(normal)I would go back, but that is my past now .I just have fun,enjoying husband,children ,friends and I recently took up zumba. I am guessing that most of us are convinced we will die of cancer but this is not necessarily so.All we really know is that we, like everyone, will eventually die.It's just that having cancer makes you face the fact.In the meantime life is to be lived in the way we each think it should .This may be a little differently to the way we thouht before.We tend to place importance on other things now .At least that is what I think.

[SILLY]

A couple of people referred to their work. I had stopped full-time teaching at age 47 and often regretted it,but until cancer had done relief work . I worked one day early last year and would have returned after treatment if my facial appearance had not been changed. I returned to other parts of my life after initial withdrawl.I did not have whatever it takes to be a teacher of primary school children any more. At first it upset me deeply as I had enjoyed nearly every day of that 12 years very much. Now I'm over it and think about it less often. If I could look as I did before(normal)I would go back, but that is my past now .I just have fun,enjoying husband,children ,friends and I recently took up zumba. I am guessing that most of us are convinced we will die of cancer but this is not necessarily so.All we really know is that we, like everyone, will eventually die.It's just that having cancer makes you face the fact.In the meantime life is to be lived in the way we each think it should .This may be a little differently to the way we thouht before.We tend to place importance on other things now .At least that is what I think.

[SILLY]

A couple of people referred to their work. I had stopped full-time teaching at age 47 and often regretted it,but until cancer had done relief work . I worked one day early last year and would have returned after treatment if my facial appearance had not been changed. I returned to other parts of my life after initial withdrawl.I did not have whatever it takes to be a teacher of primary school children any more. At first it upset me deeply as I had enjoyed nearly every day of that 12 years very much. Now I'm over it and think about it less often. If I could look as I did before(normal)I would go back, but that is my past now .I just have fun,enjoying husband,children ,friends and I recently took up zumba. I am guessing that most of us are convinced we will die of cancer but this is not necessarily so.All we really know is that we, like everyone, will eventually die.It's just that having cancer makes you face the fact.In the meantime life is to be lived in the way we each think it should .This may be a little differently to the way we thouht before.We tend to place importance on other things now .At least that is what I think.