Oseoohagal Cancer

[Jacq231]

Hi,

im new to the group. I’m 61 years old.
yesterday my dearest father was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer, he’s 89 years young. I’ve been living with him and my mother  for almost 4 years in a caring capacity even though they are very good for their ages and are very self sufficient. The only problems they had were usual age related things but my mum had more than dad, well so we thought, yesterday I had a train driven through my world.

my dad, who’s always been my world, my hero, was given the horrific news, life will never be the same. The strange thing, and only good thing, is, he seems fine, no he can’t swallow food unless it’s mush, but apart from that, you’d not know there was anything wrong with him. The “C” (I can’t write that word)  has spread to lymph nodes and his lung, we don’t know to what extent. We are waiting for our referral to the oncologist to discuss treatment options and then dad also has the choice of a stent to open the oesophagas, but can’t have that if he’s having other treatments.

it’s breaking my heart to even look at him, what’s he thinking, he looks so sad and told me he was feeling down this morning. I’m shattered. I can’t get it off my mind, I’m struggling big time, I don’t know what’s going to happen or how life will go, it’s the fear of the unknown. I don’t want a life without him, dad is the most caring, kind and lovely man, everyone who meets him, loves him. I’m scared, I feel sick, but this isn’t about me. I know the time he has left is about making memories etc and we are going to go away with my children and families, one big group of us, which dad will love, as soon as we know what his treatment is.. I’m just writing this for any advice or help, I’m like a lost soul who is broken in 2, however do I cope. I have 2 siblings who don’t get on with me, they barely see my parents, once a month or sometimes every 2 months, they both live local to us, they only care about themselves, they think I’m after mum and dads money but the fact is I’m here so they can stay together and will never need to go into age care facilities.

anyway, that’s me for now, just wanted to get my name in the group, any advice would be greatly appreciated, how will my life ever be the same again, or be happy, I know the answer…..it won’t! 😔

[LindaG]

Hello Jacq231, that is such sad news about your dad. I’m so sorry 😢. You are amazing looking after your parents for so many years. It’s awful that your dad has made it to 89 and now has this diagnosis. I don’t know what treatment the doctors will recommend but consider quality of life for your dad depending on what treatment. It is such a hard time of life to see your dad having to go through this.  The cost of loving 💕. I had to let my mum go and it broke my heart 💔. Somehow I have managed to live without her but it’s taken a long time to stop grieving.   Your dad sounds wonderful 💕. I will keep you in my prayers 🙏. LindaG 

[Jacq231]

Hi LindaG

im sorry, I’m new here and not sure how to reply to your message to me. Could you please let me know if I’ve done this correct? If so, I shall write more. Thank you 💗

[LindaG]

Hi Jacq, yes your reply has come through! Hope you’re doing ok 💕🙏 LindaG 

[Jacq231]

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and I’m so sorry about your dear mum, how ever do we carry on 😔

[Jacq231]

Hi Linda,

sorry for delay in answering. 2 days ago we saw the oncologist with dad, he said the options were

1. Do nothing-6 moths prognosis

2. surgery isn’t an option as dad wouldn’t survive the surgery

3. chemo he thought would knock dad about too much so radiation is the way to go.

4. The radiation will be for 2 weeks which worried me as I’ve read others have it much longer, I didn’t know if that made it sound like dad wasn’t too bad, or he felt it might not work, I’m worried about that.

5. A stent can be put in after radiation to make it easier for dad to swallow and if the radiation has slowed or stopped the cancer the prognosis could be 2 years, if it hasn’t made any difference, the stent can still be put in but will only last 6 months.

All in all its still so unbelievable, I fell like I am totally consumed by this whole thing as living with mum and dad I’m in the front line all the time, not that I would want it any other way. I have 2 siblings who only care about themselves and since dads diagnosis 3 weeks ago, have both only seen him once. I spend my day thinking of things he can eat to make, I make him his favourite custard, he loves apricots so apricot crumble, chocolate mousse, soft soups and the list goes on. Never in my life would I have thought this would happen to us, I guess I was just burying my head in the sand and always hoped at 89 years of age my dear dad would live to 100, this is breaking my heart. I have my children as support and a husband who with respect sometimes is support. My dad has been thinking about a nursing home and mentioned it to my mum and I know that would be his biggest fear but he’s so precious he doesn’t want to be a burden, I told him I will care for him always and if I need the help of a nurse we will cross that bridge when we come to it, I told him I don’t want to hear anymore talk of a nursing home, bless him. Well thank you for taking the time to read my reply, I just feel numb with this whole thing 😭

[Jacq231]

Just as a side note to my longer message I’ve just sent….

when we took dad to the oncologist I took advantage of their library of information books, I took several as we just don’t know anything about treatments etc,  but for myself I took

Caring For Someone With Cancer

as I live with mum and dad, I see them constantly, we live seperate ends of a large house on a property, but I spend a lot of time with mum and dad, even prior to this, I’ve just been up to tell mum something and dads sitting in his armchair and I could just burst into tears looking at him, what’s going through his head, is he scared, I’m sure he is, he’s just the dearest soul you’ve ever met and it’s breaking my heart to even look at him, however do I cope 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[LindaG]

Hi Jacq, has your dad said how he feels about radiation? Or how he feels about this awful situation? I’m glad he can stay home and you will get help to care for him if necessary. You are such a blessing to your parents and it’s such a privilege to be able to help them. I truly wish this wasn’t happening to you all🙏. I hope you were able to get all the information from the oncologist to decide on the best way for your dad. 🙏💕. Linda. Ps protein powder mixed into milk is easy to swallow and nutritious. 

[Jacq231]

Hi Linda,

Dad  has said he’s keen to start the radiation, we speak to his oncologist Wednesday for our plan. He’s told my mum he’s not scared to die, but I’m scared for him to die, I will never be ready for him to go 😭 my problem is I’m over thinking everything, I’m watching him and if he looks deep in thought I’m scared what he’s thinking of, if he wants dinner a little later like tonight, I’m thinking he’s not feeling good, I’m getting myself in quite a state, this is just all such a shock I don’t know how to cope. Tomorrow we have an appointment with dads GP, he said apparently there’s a lot he can do for dad, my mother being a very negative and with respect not a nice person a lot of the time said….well I can’t imagine what!!!!!!!!!!! I guess he might mean pain relief when the time comes, I will find out tomorrow . I’m finding this so confronting and honestly am not coping very well a lot of the time, I try to seem positive in front of dad but cry often when I’m alone. I don’t know how to cope with any of this, I don’t know how to cope with my mum once dad goes, she’s a very nasty person most of the time I know that sounds bad coming from me but she’s been this way most of my life. Dad says it himself, she can be quite cruel. I will never leave my dad but will struggle with mum. I’m really struggling at the moment, I just want it all to go away, but it won’t! Thank you for your messages, I know you understand. 🙏💙