Bad Day - Relationship Trouble - Whole Life Falling Apart

[RubyHill]

I am having a really bad time at the moment. After fighting cancer I didn't expect to have to go through all the relationship problems I have been having. When I thought I had found my life partner and after being together for 15 years, he starts pushing me away and being really mean but then erratically changing his mind wanting to stay then go again all the time. Things haven't been right since the cancer but I thought you are supposed to be there for each other and support each other through the hard times. I don't know how to be on my own anymore. I don't even know how i'm going to support myself and afford the medical bills. People think that it would be fine just to go through the public health system but with the type of tumors I get I need a special doctor and I will probably need this for the rest of my life. My biggest fear is that if I cant afford to see him, no one else will be able to find my tumors and I will get cancer again and possibly die. When he found my first tumor it was stage 4 aggressive and it was virtually invisible and he only found it on a hunch. They said if it was one week later that I would have no chance of survival so I am very lucky to now be classed as a survivor. Then at my one year test he found and removed another one but this time before it turned cancerous. Which is why he thinks I may continually keep getting these all my life. If I had the normal kind shaped like a mushroom, I might not be so concerned about what doctor I saw. I thought the fight was over and we could start living life only to now find out that its all being taken away from me. I am still in the stage where I am hoping we can work things out but at the moment I don't even know where he is and if I will ever see him again. I am trying so hard to give him space but this uncertainty is terrifying. Fear of the unknown. I'm still at home at the moment but he could show up any time and kick me out. I just don't know how to prepare for that. I want this to be all over because I don't feel like I've got the energy to go through it. I need to look after my health but with the amount of stress this is putting on me I'm finding it really hard to even get out of bed/eat/sleep. Feel sick/tired all the time. I'm probably not even making much sense as I've got so many things rushing through my brain and with the lack of sleep I don't seem do be able to sort my thoughts out. I want my life back or at least something close to it - but I think that's just a dream now and every time I wake up I realize I'm back in this hell.

[kj]

Ruby hill what a horrible situation you find yourself in,being in a relationship with someone who is not sure of there commitment to you ,that would be very hard to cope with on itself, without your major reoccurring health concerns.As you know without sleep the body and mind does not function well, depression can set in with any diagnosis or treatment of cancer,and also the extra stresses you are under. Have you had a chat to your GP about seeking professional help with both matters,or are you already seeing someone,it can help to talk with a professional who may be able to offer you an alternative way of dealing with what is happening in your life,or is there someone you can talk with,I found it beneficial in the early days of my diagnosis to chat with a psychologist. If you are unsure of your living arrangements you need a back up plan. Have a chat to your specialist about your treatment options and affordability. Best wishes to you