Some people not wanting to develop a friendship with a cancer survivor

[sarah]

Hi Silly, you are right, I find people shocking too - both with what they think and what they say. I see it though that, better they expose their thoughts and skewed thinking openly so at lease I, and others in the community, know what we are dealing with. Otherwise these ideas fly under the radar. So, happy forthem to reveal themselves :) She realised what she said after, and I suspect it has given her something to reflect on for a while. Whether she changes her perspective in time or not cannot be assessed, we here mostly figure that this doesn't happen until something like what we have been through has been experienced. Who knows - maybe if I didn't get cancer at 21 I would've had similar notions? I sometimes wonder who I might've been without the time this disease has demanded from me. Sarah

[Jules2]

Hi Sarah It is awful and yet it isn't always like this. In this instance it is a supervisor that is being "awful". I wont be with this particular supervisor for much longer, am hoping the end of this week will be it. I think some of it is down to someone being a supervisor and who is not very aware and quite possibly has been treated that way themselves. Workplace bullying is rife in the industry that I am in. It is slowly but surely being cleaned up. The bosses are aware of my cancer as I still have to go for checkups and my big boss has had cancer himself. I dont really have the energy or headspace at the moment to be doing much about this and am choosing the path of least resistance and just laughing outwardly when inside I really want to just scream. 🙂 My gosh re that woman you were out with the other night. I cannot believe that someone could actually think that!! I don't know how I would react to a comment such as that. Time for you to start seeking out new friends?? 🙂 It is hard, as this illness takes its toll on us in ways that most people will never understand. I am thinking about saying something about my situation but will choose my time and words and need to be speaking when I am less tired. Or else it will come out all wrong and probably create a situation that will be unwanted by everyone.

[sarah]

Hey Jules, I just saw your message and had to respond before I turn the light out. What you wrote brought a tear to my eye; your weary tone can be detected in your writing (or is that just me ;), and I remember what it was like. It still visits in fact; the anxiety was with me today at work. For me, another of the souvenirs post-illness. I am not fully cured mind you, I simply live with it; it's "managed". The reason for the tear though was that yes, there is so much tiredness and frazzle, then there is chemo-brain too, and/or usually PTSD, simple talk is difficult let alone even the smallest of office politics. Things of work and all the petty details are so very insignificant, yet, you must put effort into making them appear not so, lest you're the next on the redundancy chopping block. Or so it was for me. I for one was on the cusp of a nervous breakdown for many years, a couple of decades counting the second bout of cancer in my 30s. I have passed over that cusp more than once too. I really feel for you and understand how speaking up on this in anyway, is simply too much to consider. Maybe it seems relatively too small to worry about, maybe you just cannot get your words together, maybe you are worried about it coming out wrong or being perceived wrong, or many any number of other frightening options, it's just one day at a time to managing anything. Sorry, I don't mean to speak for you Jules, I do know we are all different, some of our experiences though are similar and if yours anything close to the situations I encountered around struggling with work my heart goes out to you and sends you strength and support to find a job or career path that will offer something more comfortable and rewarding. Sarah

[Jules2]

@ sarah ... I will reply on the weekend. Am tired this week and need to think a little clearly. Thank you! Julie

[Jules2]

Hi Sarah We have something in common in that we have had cancer twice. Mine has been two different cancers and just for something else MS was thrown in the middle of those two! I didnt hear that you were speaking for me at all and I very much appreciate your thoughts and that you took the time to write to me. I so very much hear and feel what you have said. I am trying to shift sideways and build a new career so all in all it hasn't been a bad choice that I have made as it has opened up new windows for me. The industry that I am currently in is rife with bullying and it has happened to me before (me the common demoniator??). Last time I met some incredibly wonderful people who hopefully soon will be providing me with a new opportunity. IN the meanime I need to just lay low I feel and cope as best I can. I don't have the energy to fight this. Basically the guy in question is not terribly aware and quite simple and does not and I doubt would understand even if I did explain. He really has no care as long as he can have a laugh. So, roll on the next week as I hope that will be the end of me working with him and if not then I have a plan to make it that one without dobbing on anyone. A sideways shift so to speak. haha YOu take care Sarah and I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Julie ps My new thinking at the moment is cancer is a thief!

[Carme]

I am so happy I stumbled upon this thread- because you have all lifted my spirits and make me feel normal!! I too have had one particular friend disappear out of my life, here I was thinking she was one of the strongest ppl I knew and when it came to the crunch and I told her my news- I am still waiting for the phonecall she promised almost 2 years ago. Oh well- I was too busy recovering to worry about her, but I still think about it at times. I guess she didn't know what to do- her loss, I'm not sweating it anymore, those who matter are still by my side.

[sarah]

Hi everyone.. Careme, I felt the same when I heard other's stories. For years I felt like it was me - where they all silently glad that I was going through it, that they had dodged a bullet.. I still find it dumbfounding that people do the disappearing act! Not entirely sure what to make of it, my feelings are very mixed and intense about it. Sarah

[Jules2]

Hi Sarah I am in two minds about this disappearing bit. On one hand I see it as a cancer patient and on the other hand I see it from others point of view and most of that is based on fear. I know for myself that one time I avoided meeting up with someone who wanted to chat to me about cancer. Am not particularly proud of that but at the time I was still going through treatment myself and was in a particularly vulnerable place and just couldn't deal with anyone elses problems or fears. Julie

[sarah]

Hey Julie, I get your meaning, and to break it down to two minds rather than many helps to narrow it down. I think the thing that gets me is that it's when a person is at their most vulnerable and in their most need that the disappearing act happens. I find it dumbfounding that that seems to be the way it is. The equations seems unbalanced to me, but I mean in a physics or philosophical context, not meaning a moral one. Second, the very basic selfish side of human nature is so glaringly and unashamedly exposed in such a situation in that, the uncomfortableness of the more well person wins over the needs that the unwell person may have. I mean, have we become so frightened of another's suffering that we can't write a note or txt a message? I am meaning here when we have had long-term friends as in the example above. Third and finally, it gets me, in idealistic principle mind you, that the person who feels uncomfortable actually holds in their power the potential to make a positive difference in the other's life, if only they could get over themselves for a moment. Don't take this as being judgemental or harsh, it is the way it is I understand, it just seems a shame that we don't strive, or aim even just a tad more for the sake of others. People are very busy looking after their own needs, and for some people (and corporations as we are seeing) it's a never ending black hole that they end up losing themselves in, and then they're no good to anyone :). Your way is easier to process; putting it down to fear is tidy and likely much wiser. If I processed it this way I likely wouldn't run the risk of adding a stomach ulcer to my list of troubles.

[Jules2]

Hiya Sarah AHhh, well I reckon we all process things in our own ways. Sometimes I adopt others concepts and at other times it just does not fit into my way of thinking. My observations may resonate with people or not. :) I have experienced and also witnessed some of the things that you mention about people being selfish. To balance some of that out there have been some amazing people in my life that have restored my faith in humanity. ie ... one friend travelled 200 kms to see me and then 200 kms home again and did that twice a week! When I was diagnosed with MS I had an offer from a friend of a friend who happened to be incredibly wealthy. The offer was to see the best neurologist in australia and he would pay for the flight and also the appointment. Alternatively, on my first cancer diagnosis I had people crossing the street rather than talk to the woman with the young baby that was meant to be dying! With my first cancer I had people playing golf and gossiping that I was dead and buried, ho hum? Not great at the time but I always try to look for balance. Maybe it is a case of me only being able to manage two minds rather than many?? haha Sorry, my sense of humour! :) Julie