Hopeful,
Thank you so much for your messages, I cannot express enough how much it means especially given your own grief and loss at the moment.
It really is scary, and whilst so many of the symptoms on the brain hospice website fit accurately, like you’ve expressed was similar for you, the timing is a little bit all over the place. There are some things I’m watching with my dad that indicate we have so little time, and others that fit perfectly.
Gut instinct is amazing and I’m grateful for the fact that currently, he is in very little pain. Food is our main issue right now and even getting him to try the high protein shakes the nutritionist is trying to push is a battle.
He has been through so so much and before things took hold so quickly in the past week, he told me he has had enough and wants to go. We have had so many talks over the past year in particular and I feel he has made his peace and is ready. You are right, it is kinder that this is happening quickly and he seems quite unaware of it all most of the time.
I have bouts of wondering if I’m imagining this, but now that there is less dramatic difference in his condition each time I see him I know that we are nearing the end. I AM petrified for so many reasons and at the same time I'm not (if that makes any sense at all?) Some moments and fears seem selfish in the sense of ‘what am I going to do without him’; he raised me alone and has been my best friend and only parent for 33 years. Even now I’m struggling with not being able to talk to him. I’m also so so worried for my two boys (11 and nearly 13) who have the most special relationship with dad. How I’m going to manage this next phase is beyond my comprehension, not just for me and my own grief but how to care for them as well and make sure they get through it too.
Thankfully I have wonderful support in my partner and his family, and wonderful friends. Right now its hard to tell anyone exactly what they can do to help for I simply don’t have the answer. I am all Dad has right now (what’s left of our family are interstate and unable to do much here in Melbourne).
Day by day and one foot in front of the next is all I can really do.
Thank you again for showing me that I will get through his and for sharing your own experiences. I can’t really say how much it helps at a time that I fear no one really understands or knows what to do.
Much love to you and your little one.
X Peta