Thanks Sqweege. I lost my dad 11 years ago and now my mother this year and it really does feel so unfair. I know a few people my age (35) who have lost one parent, but I don't know anyone else my age who has lost both parents by this age. In this day and age it is so unusual. And having lost both parents now makes losing my mother that much harder. Plus my brother is messed up (from more than just losing parents - I don't want to go into it too much in public forums). So I am feeling very very alone right now. I have a 2 year old daughter and she does help a lot, but I am so upset that she will never remember her grandmother whom she loved so dearly. And my mother was such a big help for me and my daughter. I don't know how I will go on without her massive support and company. Plus I have an illness of my own (not terminal but very hard to manage as there's no treatment or cure and it's very debilitating at times). My mother was helping me take care of my daughter because of how debilitating my illness is. Now I wonder how I will manage everything on my own. And I would dearly love a second child. How will I manage a baby + toddler + my illness without all the support I had. Plus of course I really miss my mum's company. She was my best friend and I could talk to her about anything.
I have taken the last two weeks off work. I only work 3 days a week and I'm debating whether to take Tuesday off this week so I only have 2 days this week to get back into things. Or not even sure if I should take another week off. It's only been 11 days since she passed.
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I said mum was gone two weeks after I found out she was terminal but it was actually only a week after. Until that moment I truly thought she'd be OK. Then I was told she had 2 to 3 months, which didn't seem like enough time. And then she was gone a week later. I am definitely glad my mother is no longer suffering, but a week just wasn't long enough to say everything I wanted to say. And now I have so many questions I wish I'd asked her about her life. I also really wish I'd asked about a will. We haven't been able to find one and I don't know if that means she didn't make one or we just can't find it. So it's going to be a long, tough process getting all her assets sorted.
I hope your dad isn't suffering too much. I hope he's able to make the most of his time. xx
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Hugs Sqweege. Having just lost my mother very recently (and very quickly) to cancer I am really feeling for you. By the time I found out my mother was terminal she was gone two weeks later. So one of the things I am struggling with is that I didn't get to say/ask everything I wanted to. So make the most of whatever time you have and say/ask everything you want.
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Today my mother passed away. It's such a shock right now. It all happened so quickly. In August we were told survival was highly likely. In October we were told the tumour was bigger than expected after surgery. In January we were told there was still a significant amount of tumour left. Last week we were told the cancer is huge and has spread and mum is probably too weak to receive treatment and would pass away in two to three months. On Monday we were told a week to two weeks. And today she passed away. Yesterday I was talking to her and today she's dead. How did that happen?
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Thanks so much Di. Your post was so helpful. But today we received terrible news about my mother. Her kidneys are now failing because the cancer has grown around her urethras and is restricting the flow of urine. So she is becoming toxic inside.
In some ways I am extremely angry at the doctors because they didn't explain any of this well to my brother and I. But today a palliative care nurse explained that at the rate mum's kidney's are failing, which took a dramatic dive late last week and over the weekend, means she could now pass away at any moment. It also explains WHY she has not been getting out of bed or eating and also explains her very odd behaviour. Like yesterday she was asking me where the cow went. And today she was saying my brother's feet are black and that means he also has the cancer. The nurse told me that she will start losing her mind, stop being able to get out of bed and stop eating. And I said "She's already doing ALL of those things!!" So my talk to "get up out of bed and eat and you can come home" was such a stupid thing to say when she really CAN'T do those things. :(
Anyway, she's being moved to a palliative care hospital tomorrow, where I hope she will receive much better care from the staff. Today in hospital she asked a nurse to help her go to the toilet and the nurse said "You never do anything on the toilet why don't I just get you a bed pan?" To which mum started crying and said "Anyone else can just get up and go to the toilet and I need help and you won't help me!" The nurse did help her but was rolling her eyes as she did it. Treat my mum with some respect please.
Gosh it's just so tough seeing my poor mother like this and needing help from staff and them treating her poorly. She wouldn't let me take her to the toilet tough, because she didn't want her daughter helping her.
Anyway, it seems suddenly from a few months left we are down to days or a couple of weeks if lucky. And I will spend all the time I can with her and hope the new hospital is a lot better.
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Thanks Di. Prior to the my mother's terminal diagnosis my brother was caring for her and I didn't actually realise how bad it had gotten because they both hid it from me. When my mother had to be readmitted to hospital with a blocked vascular that's when my brother told me that he had barely been coping and he also told my mother that too. And now my mother is so upset because "no one wants her". 😞 It's so hard to hear that because I would do absolutely anything to have her stay with me longer and so would my brother. But of course there is nothing we can do about 'curing' her.
I would actually love my mother to come live with me for a short while, so I can spend more time with her. But today when I saw her doctor she told me that my mother would be too much right now for any family member to cope with because she doesn't eat or get out of bed and just sleeps all the time. It really hit home with my brother and I and we have decided to send her to palliative care hospital.
The doctor is sure that physically my mother should right now still be able to walk short distances, sit up and eat. So it seems that she has given up. And I totally understand wanting to shut myself off from everything like my mother is doing, but it's so hard when my mother is wasting the short time she has left.
I don't know now if it was the right thing to do but I told her today that if she wanted to come home she would have to start moving around again and eating. I also told her that she's not going to die right now and still has some living left that she can choose to do any way she likes. I know in time she will be bed bound but right now she doesn't have to be. And in this time she could come home and live with me if she was willing to be a bit more independent in ways that she can.
I'm not going to say any more to her right now because I do understand that she needs to digest everything. But she has agreed to try speaking to a counsellor so fingers crossed she does and it helps a bit.
I just hope we can make some more happy memories together before it is too late.
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It was the palliative care nurse who informed me of how depressed my mother is. She was the one telling me that they have her physical pain management under control but she has a lot of emotional stuff going on. They have offered her anti-depressants which she has refused and they have offered her a psychologist to talk to but she refuses. She has a social worker whom she refuses to talk to. So we're all at a loss as to what to do.
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I posted a long introduction yesterday so you can read my story there. But just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can help my mother. She is extremely depressed since she found out that she is now terminal, which is totally understandable. But now she's withdrawn into herself and just tries to be drugged out and sleep all day long, so she's missing out on life right now. I think seeing me and my daughter is just too hard for her to bear because she focuses on what she will miss out on. She refuses to speak to anyone. She was living at home with my brother but he wasn't coping and told her that and now she feels like no one wants her any more. She's currently in hospital because she was admitted with a blocked vascular in her leg but we will need to move her either back home with my brother or to a pastoral care place or I don't know whether I should have her come live with me, but I don't know if I could cope either. Any suggestions on how I can help? I feel like she's already gone in a way.
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.