About peanutz

peanutz

I can say it's normal and happens to everyone. I found myself crying on the train to work when my partner was around and unwell. Now that he's gone, I occassionally cry when talking to someone about him or when listening to his favourite songs.

peanutz

I'm sorry for your loss, Geoff. It's not the end result that we want but Lorraine is no longer suffered. Sometimes I wish I had had more time with Dennis but I think it's the best for both of us. I still can't believe how quickly he had gone. One day we were planning to take him home and I was worried that he hardly ate or drank and the next day he's no longer there. I find talking to someone about what happened helps me a lot. I hope my friends don't get sick of hearing my story/frustration as it's my way to get things out of the system. Also, years of practice not getting angry or upset about things that I'm not happy and put it to the back of my mind and forget it has been beneficial to me during this time. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't cried since the funeral. Am I a tough old b!tch or acting like that when I'm around people does make me become one? I don't know the answer. All I know is that Dennis isn't going to be happy to see me being all sad and stop living my life. mmm I don't think I'm doing a good job in helping you during this tough time.

peanutz

Thanks everyone. Not sure I'm still in shock. In the last 12 days, I've managed to: - passed a driving test 4 days after the funeral; - worked for 3 days last week; - went to see friends 3 times; - exercised twice; - booked a flight to go home and see my parents at the end of this year; - plan for a big holidays next year; - give away my favourite pair of his jeans to his daughter to make cushions; (I kind of regret doing that) - not crying since the funeral on the 4th Oct but sad at times. My partner's stuff is still lying around. I have not gone through his stuff. I haven't cancelled his mobile, gym membership, MCC membership, etc. I don't expect him to come back but I'm not ready to put his life in boxes and give them away.

peanutz

Clinical trial for LY2157299 is in Stage 2, I believe, and you will have 50% or so chance to get this drug or placebo + lomustine. Not sure about DCA, some drugs can work with mice but not human. Also, everyone is also different. My partner was on AMG 595, Avastin, Avastin + Carboplatin and neither of them worked. While some people get very good result with Avastin.

peanutz

is it better to live with someone who is "not there" anyway. ???? Good question Wynette. I don't really know. I am lucky. Dennis's condition had always been pretty good considering how aggressive his tumours were. It's only in the final week that his condition had deteriorated dramatically. He stopped acknowledging me in the evening prior to his death. At the time, I thought he was just too tired, needed a rest and couldn't be bother to do anything even nodding or shaking his head. Take care.

peanutz

Thanks Harker. I'll check it out.

peanutz

I hope I could say something to make you feel better and have a way to help you ease your son's sadness. You're in a tougher situation than me having a kid. Please don't think about those short time you may have with your husband and try to be happy and normal. I know it's not easy as you feel sad and have the pain and fear of what is coming. I would say I was in denial and kept thinking that things would get better but I guess that helped me to stay positive and not being too upset about it all but here were also times when I was sad as you could see from what I blogged. I know you try to stay strong for everyone but it's OK to be sad and get it out of your system.

peanutz

This morning a friend reminded me that today is the first day of my new life. No Dennis, no GBM, no hospital, no running around and juggling between providing care, work, and other things else. I had last Sunday to grief on my own with support from friends on this site and now is the second time that I'm back to my own home and be on my own after he's gone. I still feel OK after an hour. TV is on to keep me company. Dennis's stuff is still lying around the house to keep me company wherever I go. I know I'll have to go through his stuff and get my life back on track like it was back in early August last year. Everyone says there is no need to rush. I don't know where to start anyway. My only concern at the moment is to pass a driving test this Monday. Dennis used to drive me all over the place. Family and friends helped driving us around while he was sick. I started learning to drive in July as I felt I would have to be independent and stand on my own two feet again at some stage. We had a great sent off for him yesterday at his dad's property and now he rests in peace with his mum. It was a tough day with tears and lots of emotional moments. I had my last look of him and he still looked so good that I only wish he would have grasped for air and continued to breath again. Sadly, he didn't. Everything was well taken care of, thanks to his daughter who tried to deal with the whole thing by keeping herself busy organising the service and other things. I went to check his resting place at the cemetery again after the wake and everything was in order. We set up a fire, cooked steak on our rustic makeshift barbecue and had some wine that he liked. The weather was perfect for the service and our little sent off in the evening within the family was fantastic. We shared our stories with laugh and tear. I feel much better, still have wishful thinking that I would have him back but also know that he's not going anywhere but always with me. I am planning to go back to work on Tuesday, get back to exercise, and continue to live but never a day will go by without me thinking of him.

peanutz

I'm so sorry for your loss, Geoff. Lorraine is so lucky to have you by her side. You're truly an amazing man provided such a great care for her. I appreciate your suppor, it did help me to understand that it's OK to hit the bottom. People tried to keep me company after Dennis had passed away and I ended up telling them to leave me alone. I had cried for 24 hrs then had a surprisingly good 9 hrs sleep and now I feel much better and ready to organise a farewell for my best friend ever. I will try to stand up tall on my own but knowing that I have great frieends here who have supported me throughout the journey. I hope you can do the same. I believe our partners would be upset to see us being so sad and unhappy by their depart as they are still here with us in our hearts. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

peanutz

Thanks everyone. I thought I would feel better when Dennis doesn't suffer any longer. I have ended up feeling worse than when he was around. I used to cry because I felt so lonely before I met him and the past 11 years and a half I had not done that again until now.

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