I can't really offer advice, so much as my own vantage point, and how I'd handle it. Cancer is a shit-show, it rubs it's grubby little paws all over everything, trying to contaminate the good things in your life.   You mention arguments with your friend.  It takes two to argue, right ? Thing is, you *ARE* fighting cancer, and it's righteous that you should be able to put your needs first. But THAT said, your dear friend is also clearly very affected, worried about you no doubt, maybe even a little worried about their own future - if you're both young and financially rely a bit on each other as the post hints ? So it's a little bit complex .. but at the core:  it takes two to argue. (And in my experience the person who tries to reconcile and resolve an argument always wins hands down, even if a relationship ends, they were the bigger person, made the sacrifice of their pride, and tried to solve whatever problem was on the table) My suggestion:  try talking again, but put aside all history.  If history comes up, shoo it away.  Here's an example of how I'd approach that conversation. I sit down at the table with my friend. I smile at them and say I want to talk seriously.  Straight from the heart, no bullshit.  I'm sorry for how things have gone, I value the friendship and I want to talk it through:  is that OK with you ? If they agree, I then explain to them that cancer has knocked me about, emotionally, spiritually, in my way of thinking, and I apologise if I've in any way taken that out on them. I explain that they are my friend, and I value and even rely on them, the way they listen, the way they help (whatever it is they do). I'd explain that cancer is an awful thing to experience for everybody, but as it's my life at risk, I have to be protective of my mental health and prioritise my chances of winning the fight. I'd say that this is another important reason why I need to make peace and fix the relationship going forward - I just can't afford to carry the weight of it at this crucial time. You're my friend.  I love you.  I'm sorry for my mistakes. I need to <<insert need here >>> ... stop the arguments ?  plan for the future ?  put life on hold now and just be in limbo for a few months .. whatever So yeah, that would be my approach, but .. you're not me.  I hope it gives you some ideas ?  If you need more advice, happy if you hit me up - but I'm a grizzled older guy and my perspective may not even be appropriate for younger folks.  All the best. ... View more

It's a really shit show, I'm very sorry for your situation, and even moreso for how it's making you feel.   Cancer tries to take your health, it tries to take your life - but nobody tells you how isolating it is, how there's this almost 'herd instinct' where some people unexpectedly seem to pull away from you (there are legit reasons why this happens, nobody really is born with the tools to deal with this stuff).   I had a really crap prognosis, and when I was in the deepest/darkest, I was vomitting blood, receiving morphine-based medicine, had my legs and feet swell up like an elephant, couldn't walk, couldn't poo - or rather when I did, it was savagely painful and (sorry about this) left the toilet filled with blood (side effect of the chemo, my cancer was actually head & neck too).  Horrible radiation burns on the neck, couldn't turn my head, looking back quite a laundry-list of pain & suffering. I was given 6 months to live, but with a 40% shot at successful chemoradiation.     And here I am, almost 3 years later, with most of the suffering behind me.  I still have a bunch of problems, but they're counterbalanced with the gratitude and joy that .. I am still alive. You're not dead yet .. I hope you pull through this. Good luck.  My only advice is .. whatever it is that gives you the most fun & distraction ... go do it now. (as long as it's legal - I don't care what it is .. computer games ?  porno ?  cha-cha dancing ?  standing directly behind strangers in the library and breathing down their neck to creep them out ?  whatever it is, my friend, that distracts you and lifts your spirits .. as long as it's safe & legal .. go do it right now 🙂  ) ... View more

You're reading through "I've just been diagnosed", which probably means you're grappling for some kind of anchor, some kind of context that will allow you to assimilate cancer with the world-view that you had before you were diagnosed.   As you deal with your disease (and read through these forums), you'll find people who've adapted to cancer, even learned important lessons from it - verging on the quasi-spiritual.  Maybe those messages of hope, faith, love are useful to you, maybe you're not ready for them.   My advice:  just move forward.  Don't dwell on the cancer too much, distract yourself, live your life, don't allow the cancer to take more from you than it already has.  It has contaminated part of your body, but it also wants to contaminate your mind and spirit.  Don't allow it.   Just find an anchor and get through the fight. Here's the only anchor I can offer - my first posts here would have been in/around September 2016.  I was researching side-effects for cancer, trying to wade through the good, bad and indifferent information I was finding out there.   In 2016, the gastro-enterologist who diagnosed my cancer (who had a secondary specialty in oncology) assessed that without treatment, I'd be dead in 6 months.  The disease was advanced, too big for surgery.  It started with the tonsil, then abutting the jaw and soft palate.  It would soon restrict my breathing.  Chemoradiation was my only hope, and since it was in local lymph nodes, they figured my odds of cancer-free survival at about 40-50%.   44 years old.  Father of three.  My youngest just about to have his third birthday in December..  What a mind-fuck, am I right ? And here i am.  it's almost 3 years later.  A lot has happened, a lot has changed, BUT I AM STILL ALIVE. I still carry such a wellspring of love in my heart for my three little boys.  When my first son was born, he taught me how to better love my wife .. the love you have for your child is unselfish, the love you have for another adult has at least some element of transactionality to it .. "I'll love you .. AS LONG AS .. you don't betray me (or whatever)"   I am still alive.  I'm even starting to move back out of 'cancer limbo'.  I've started to learn the guitar, am reinvolving myself in my business, plugging back into the world. And you know what ?  Sometimes a week or more might drift by and I don't think about cancer.   When I was where you are NOW, I thought about it pretty much every waking moment. If you are frightened, bereft of hope, grappling for some way to move forward - maybe take a piece of that...  ... my odds were shit.  I'm still alive. It's not game over yet. I just wanted to report in, as I'm 2 years into my personal overtime, and I have every reasonable hope that I'll live another 20. OMFG I am so excited at the idea of watching my little sons grow into manhood. I hope they'll be better men than me.  I'm sure they will. Good luck in your fight.   ... View more

Hey There   I was overweight going into treatment, so I wasn't concerned with forcing myself to take the food.  Within the hospital they were urging to maintain bodyweight and focus on calories, posing that refitting the mask is a problem that can risk treatment if your anatomy changes too much.  They also cite losing the ability to swallow if you don't force yourself to eat. My take ?  Bullshit.  My radiation oncologist was a lovely man with decades in his field, the radiation techs concurred -refitting the mask is a routine circumstance, and should not influence your decisions regarding food and nutrition.     Losing your swallow and having to be re-coached is an issue, but so also are pattern based food aversions, pain, vomitting blood, etc.   In the deeper doldrums, I would inject shakes via PEG, then vomit them up via mouth (with all the distress and discomfort as you can imagine). I stopped taking anything, even water, by mouth for .. I'll say 2 months ... and I'm fine now.  As a cautionary thing, maybe just practice swallowing.  Anyway this is just MY experience unique to ME and shouldn't form the basis of your choices, just give context.   I got the peg tube ripped out as soon as I could swallow liquids again without the rancid taste dysgeusia (cant remember how to spell it, heh, that's great).   But anyway in terms of what you take, whether by mouth or by PEG, if you already have excess bodyweight, you should prioritise in this order:  hydration, protein, nutrition, calories (even if your feeding team at the hospital advise otherwise)   If youre not overweight, ignore all of it, you have to keep up those calories.   Anyway, protein is vital, because your body is under profound duress and needs the protein to heal itself day-by-day.   Just my two cents ? ... View more

Hey Nicki   If you entered into the insurance BEFORE learning about the cancer, then there may be scope to claim, depending on your policy, but note that most of them have exclusions not just for pre-existing medical conditions, but also for age.   If you enter into insurance now, I can confidently say that every policy in the marketplace will have some kind of clause to avoid the claim scenario you're describing.   Why ?  It's not because insurers are scumbags, they just have to cover the UNFORSEEN.  That's the important word.  Stuff that can't be anticipated.   When you have a loved one who is given months to live, the stance on most of these insurances will be very simple:  don't plan a holiday.  And if you do:  it's at your own risk if you have ro cancel or rush home.  You were planning at an imprudent time, and the event was foreseeable.   The insurances are there to cover unexpected calamity.  Bolt from clear blue sky kind of stuff.  Relatives getting sick or hurt or whatnot is definitely in those scenarios.  But relatives of an advanced age with an aggressive, terminal disease ?  The policy basically apologises, sympathises, but says:  that's something you have to factor into your holiday planning, and be accountable for your choices.   Sorry, it's really black & white on this, mate, I can't give specific advice about any particular insurance, but I can pretty confidently say that ALL of them will be unreceptive to the kind of claims scenario you've described. ... View more

Hey There   For me the first 2-3 months out of treatment were pretty bad, with things gradually starting to ease off from there.  I had bad mucositis though, if you haven't experienced that, then you probably have an advantage in terms of quicker recovery.   Dry mouth:  it continues to present day (almost 3 years out), and although subjectively it's gotten a bit better, it's still a big problem.  If you carry a water bottle around, it doesn't interfere with your day-to-day too badly though. I can't speak to professional singing, but I was able to serenade my wife on our 10th anniversary, can certainly sing/talk for stretches of time with no real issues.   But yeah, in terms of timing, I wouldn't expect too much in the first few months.  It's better to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed. ... View more

Hi Mate   Sorry, based on the extra info, need to make a little addendum, if that's OK..   Kids .. well, you can't expect them to have any specific tools to deal with anything, especially big ole grown-up concepts like cancer.   Parents: .. they have to be protective of their kids.    So one possibility is, if they're minimising your disease and not relating to your circumstance ... well ... it's a strong possibility that it's because they're looking at it purely from the vantage point of the child.   The priorities there would be to make it 'no big deal', and possibly even to shy away from the topic.  So the minimisation you're experiencing might be a natural tactic to downplay the disease so as to be protective of the child.   My caveat around 'cut them loose' is that it doesn't apply to your children, and it sounds like you have a bit of a parenting role with this kid.  You can't expect understanding from a child, and everything the mother does & says will be from the vantage point of trying to mitigate and manage a little girl's first experience with mortality (which although specific to you, opens the door to mummy's mortality, her own, the certainty of the whole world around her, it's a mind-fuck).   If it were parents, brothers, sisters, I'd say:  "buddy, I'm taking a break from this relationship, I'm in a difficult fight and I need to focus".  Or you don't even need to say anything, just reduce contact, and if pressed that's when you say "I have health problems I'm dealing with, I don't want contact right now" .. that kind of thing (specifically tailored to the circumstance).   I wouldn't hesitate to cut ties if relationships are unhealthy or unhelpful.   But with a partner/kid, it's a little bit different, what I'd adjust my remarks/advice into is more like this:   - talk to the partner about her expectations in managing this life event with the kid (concerns about what to disclose ---- I have 3 kids myself and chose to hide/minimise the disease until I knew I'd beaten it, but it was a tough call). - explain and assert your own needs, for comfort, loving contact, support - find a way to assimilate these needs (eg if it's "dont talk about big C in front of the kid", you can find a way to get that and the help you need by managing information). - if those needs cant be assimilated, or the opposite partner is unwilling or incapable, THEN say "listen I need to take a break while I deal with my cancer" (if you feel that's the best and most productive approach for your health & focus)   (And after the Cancer, you do a stock-take and decide what to do with the relationship).   At the end of the day though, it's *you* fighting for *your* life, so you need to prioritise your morale, focus & mental health.   My suggestion would be to have a frank bit of dialogue about your needs (in lieu of arbitrarily following the 'cut them loose' advice).  But the main thrust of my message is simple:  you're important, you have a right to fight, you have a chance to survive, or at least you're not dead yet, and if there are people around you who aren't on-board for helping with that, ignoring them or cutting them loose is a completely OK option in my opinion.     ... View more

It's like Tom Petty sang, "the waiting is the hardest part" In my opinion, the phase where you have any kind of uncertainty regarding your diagnosis is the worst.  You immediately start thinking worse-case-scenarios, and have to live in that limbo for however long it takes for them to nail down your specific individual prognosis.   I had stage 4 tonsil cancer (in the clear now), and spent about 4 weeks not knowing if it had spread elsewhere in my body (and I'd be dead within 6 months) or whether I had a fighting chance at treatment (which was what happened).   It's the not knowing, and the waiting, that is a special kind of hell.   My advice is to approach it on two levels:   Internally:  in your own mind and spirit, park your expectations and wait on the facts.  Nothing to be done pending medical advice.  Don't even necessarily spread the news too far until you have more facts.  (up to you depending on your friends/family situation)   Externally:  for the world around you, act as if it's worst-case.  Make sure your legal/banking stuff is all in order (it's good to have this stuff sorted out before you get caught in the rollercoaster of treatment, really, so that diagnostic lull period has a practical use).  Spend time with your loved ones as if you know it's finite (this is probably a good way to live life in general).   The waiting is the hardest part. ... View more

In my opinion, when cancer comes into the scene, a real friend is going to clumsily ask something like, "What do you need from me ?"   And your answers are going to matter.   Calling every week or not calling at all, these are what THOSE INDIVIDUALS do in reaction to the disease.  It may indicate their clumsiness, calousness, or maybe their own inability to cope.  And yeah, some friends/family may not have the emotional currency to stop and ask "what do you need from me?"   But yeah, in my opinion, if you're not asked, then it's on you to tell.   I have a really toxic mother, it's a horror story, but parking that - when I was in active treatment, she would ask all kinds of intrusive questions about my health, outlook, finances (being a junkie, I think she was particularly interested in the last one).   What I needed ?  None of her toxicity interfering with my morale and focus.   So I told her, "I don't want to discuss my situation, it interferes with my morale and focus, please respect my preference to be left alone for a while"   That may seem cruel, but it's *ME* fighting to survive, not her.  And it's measurably kinder than "my preference it to sever all ties with you"   Anyway, the point is, I guess, that it should be *you* in the driving seat of these relationships, as you can't rely on the people who love and care for you to behave rationally or within your expectations.  It would be nice if every true heart just asked "what do I do?" and respect your answer (and you can articulate stuff like frequency of contact, etc etc etc, heh). But it's infinitely more complex than that, as such the best thing for a cancer sufferer, in my opinion, is to take a frank and transparent approach with significant people.    (Excluding spouses & children, they need a management plan). Any other significant adult in your life should get straight forward information like: - I'm in a fight for survival with a potentially fatal disease - I do/don't need your help - I do/don't need distractions - It would be great if you did/didn't contact me regularly/irregularly - I'd prefer to/not to discuss the specifics of my disease - I care about you, and I hope you understand that I have to prioritise my needs, I thought declaring them as clearly as I could would be the best and clearest way for us to deal with this   I'm sorry if you try something like that and it turns out to be shit advice, but in my personal opinion, the quality people will sticky by you no matter what, even if you majorly stuff up the social stuff.    But I wouldn't inject time/energy/paranoia/worry into withering/changing friendships or weird new vibes you get from people, and if anything, having a transparent dialogue might help mitigate that stuff, or at least give a platform to better understand it. ... View more

Hey Mate   In my experience and opinion, people show their true colours in extreme situations like cancer.   (But hey, there are hints along the way, even without cancer in the picture).   My immediate impression:  you're surrounded by c***ts.   Maybe you're an enabler, or maybe you just had bad luck, but one thing cancer can teach us is that time is short and precious, and you probably should not spend/waste it giving too much attention and power to bad situations and people.   Extreme scenarios (like cancer) give us and the people around us, the chance to rise up and show a finer side of ourselves.  Drive someone to hospital, lift their spirits, etc.  If the people around you are measurably treating you like shit (in your opinion) the answer is simple (in my opinion).   Cut them loose.   You're better off without toxic people in your life, and honestly if you've surrounded yourself with Takers, and you no longer feel disposed to, or in a position to, take up the role of Martyr/Giver .. then just cut them loose.   A healthy relationship has to be able to withstand unbiased scrutiny.  Your relationships (based on a quick & superficial read) strike me as unhealthy, and personally, I wouldn't waste my time on them.  It doesn't matter if they are a mother or a brother, I'd cut them loose.  The only family member this advice doesn't directly apply to is your children or your spouse, those are (in my opinion) more profound commitments.   Anyone else ?  If they don't earn your love and attention ... simple ... don't give it.   Focus on yourself, fulfil your needs, you're in a shitty fight, you deserve people in your corner, not a gaggle of dickheads sitting in the back looking at their phones, or even watching with a little contempt and the occasional "boo".   Consider moving forward, mate. ... View more