I just saw my partners scars for the first time today. Her breast looked really odd to me. I smiled and said that they looked great, but they really didn't. I know they will settle soon and look better than they do right now. I will really miss her body before the surgery. I'm sad that she felt she needed reconstruction. I'm sorry to be sharing something so negative and weak, but where else do I tell someone that the new look impacted me? It's also just so hard to see the physical markers of all of these medical interventions. The map on the body of the pain and the difficulty of the past almost two years. I'm really tired. Tired of being strong. Just a low night. Tomorrow will be better. Thanks for listening.
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I just talked to my aunt. I decided that I would just call her, novel idea, and stop expecting her to read my mind. It was a nice chat. I told her that I was just missing her. I didn't mention feeling hurt by her lack of reaching out. It was clear that she is thinking a lot about us, and that she "gets it" in a way that other folks do not. It was also clear that she thinks I'm strong and that I can handle the rest of this journey. Though that is largely true. I think that is sort of what some of this was about, wanting someone to call and sort of expect me to be a mess and to let me be a mess and to know how to help me not be a mess. But it is just messy, isn't it? I'm glad to know you guys and gals are out there. We're all getting through the mess somehow aren't we?
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Hi Jill and Sailor,
Thanks for your thoughtful words. Sailor, you are probably right about my aunt needing some space from cancer. It pretty much dominated her life for many years. Soon after my dad died of cancer, I was not very able to support a friend whose husband was diagnosed with Melanoma. As Jill points out, it is often new friends who are there for us as these times in our life. Friends who are also going through these things or who just pop into our lives at the right time and can handle what we have going on.
The baby is in no hurry. I want it to take its time, but I also want my partner to get her next chemo treatment, something we are putting off until we have the new babe. I have to figure the chemo will still do its job even if she gets it a week later than usual. Funky times. The trick will be to get through the last two chemos and the first two sleepless months of the baby and the 6 year old.
Given all of the inspiring stories on this site, I think we can make it.
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I'm not sure why but as I've made this 4.5 month journey with my partner and her fallopian tube cancer some things just sort of haunt me. I wake up thinking about them or I dream about them. The current one is feeling hurt and angry that my aunt, who has been the caregiver to two different husbands with cancer, has not reached out to me as a "caregiver." I think the anger and hurt probably go deeper than just my aunt, who is getting some major projection. It seems like I just want someone, anyone to say, "How are you coping with the cancer?" and friends do do that. But I want my aunt to do it, someone I know and love and who has been in my shoes. But maybe she doesn't think of us in the same shoes because my partners prognosis is very good, and my uncles was more or less terminal. There is a difference, my fear of my partner's death is far away from our current reality. If the cancer comes back, we might face that. But just being partners with someone who is suffering, who is putting poison in her body is soo hard. And I want someone who loves me already to know that I need them and call me. But that just doesn't seem like it is going to happen.
I suppose one message in this is that if you have been in my aunt's shoes and your niece or daughter or nephew or son are in my shoes. Call them.
Thanks for listening.
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Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.