Hi Felicity, I appreciate your reply, I'm just acutely conscious of how unhinged I am at the moment and how I might read a post on this forum and respond inappropriately. I swing from strong to broken so fast at the moment that I not even sure I could read back over MY OWN posts safely 🙂   I'm not sure I ready to actively participate in a forum like this. There's a thing I've been dwelling on, a kind of attempted accounting for my life. Like I'm my own Anubis, trying to hold the harm I've done in one hand and the good in the other. Story time, I'm in Sydney, waiting outside my partner at the time's work. She comes out and shares that in a discussion with her co-worker said co-worker remarked that she didn't find me handsome as my lips were too thin. This I carried with me for 30 years, every time I looked in the mirror, even on my best face day, I wished my lips were bigger. THIS story, stupid as it is, looms large for me at the moment. The woman in the story didn't mean to hurt me, she never even knew my name, she probably never even gave me a single thought outside of the tiny second long window in which she was asked to answer the question of "is this guy attractive?" And yet somehow this hurt me. How much pain have I inflicted in my 50 years? I mean I can go through the things I've done that I carry with me, the crimes that blacken the heart I offer up to my judge. But how on this earth or the next do I account for the hurt I have left behind me with each step, the unseen crushed butterflies that have devastated an Amazon? AT ANY RATE, to drag this post back on track... My fear is that in my own grief and downward spiral I'm going to lash out, I'm going to say something to some also profoundly vulnerable person that HURTS. And I can't EVEN at the moment. Can I TRUST you to stop me or should I stop myself NOW? My apologies for laying this on you, I love you, Mo ... View more

HI Kat, I have no idea how to properly reply to your post. I just wanted to let you know that I have read your story and I am so sorry for what you and your daughter have had to go through. For what little it's worth you have my thoughts, prayers and love. ... View more

So I have a question...   I am in a pendulum swing of death/denial about my situation, and I'm reading other posts on this forum. Do I reply, given I'm gonna drag my baggage into that? or should I wait till I have something CONSTRUCTIVE to offer? If you're reading this know that I can anything, extreme doomerism included as that's where I am THIS HOUR.   I love you all (EVERY SINGLE GOD FORSAKEN BROKEN UNLOVED WEIRD LITTLE PERSON READING THIS)  Mo   EDIT: I just want to tell people who are at the bottom of the swing that being told you're gonna die IS NOT THE WORST THING. There's a spectrum of stuff, you might be okay, you might die, you might die in a horrible sudden way. Dying with dignity, in your own way, dying with a time to say goodbye to those you love. THIS IS A GIFT. This is not the worst thing. Edit done. ... View more

Hi Susana,   Thanks for the reply.   I've had a few good days. Kinda important to focus on them when they come.   Feeling much better about those close to me, have had a few chats with them and let them know that while at the moment I have time and energy to be there for them there will/might come a time when I need to be selfish and lean on them for support, they've been amazing. I am so lucky to have my friends and family.   Started on letters, might take me a bit to work through them. Nice insight that it's the process of writing them that matter to me, not whether I send them or not, frees me to say what I want to say without worrying about impact etc. Will ask my partner to edit them before sending.   Love and hugs, Mo ... View more

Thanks for the reply and your advice on the letters.   Today was a good day, I sat out in the wonderful Autumn sun and the had lunch with family.   Having read a chunk of these forums I felt it was important to remind people (and ME when I re-read this) that there will be good days too.   Love you all, Mo   ... View more

Hi Dunc,   I went through something similar. If I had my time over I would much more serious about seeking out physical activities (hiking and yoga for me) after I recovered from surgery.    The worst thing for me after surgery was the loss of trust in my body, I shied away from doing things because if I was a little sore after my stupid brain told me it was a tumor. Took me way too long to feel like I could get back to work and just living my life.   Be smarter than me 🙂 ... View more

Replying to my own post, CLASSY I KNOW.   I just had another thought.   I am writing letters to all the people I love, saying thanks and goodbye (if I don't get a chance to see em again).   If you were doing the same, what would you want to say to them? Like in a generic sense, I don't want to miss something. ... View more