When I was diagnosed with breast cancer it worried my sister so she had a mammogram and was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 months after me. I feel sympathy for her about what she will have to go through but more than that I feel resentful that she has taken some of my specialness away. That is a terrible thing to say and I feel very bad about it. Obviously I do not like having cancer but I don't know how to write this without making it sound confusingly as if I do. I liked that no-one in my family could judge me because I was the only one who had cancer and they didn't know what it was like. I liked having an experience that was mine alone. I liked that they all thought I was brave. Her having cancer too makes me feel less proud of myself for managing my cancer so well. Gosh, I sound like a horrible person. Also, I have finished chemo and my hair is growing back. She is just starting hers so instead of moving onwards and leaving chemo behind we have to go through it all over again. When can we go back to having lives that don't revolve around cancer? ... View more

A few weeks ago my counsellor asked if I was most worried about the time before, during or after my surgery. I said I would be ok during the surgery since I would be asleep & that what was most worrying me was beforehand when I had to sit in the waiting room. I was quite terrified of the waiting part because it really didn't seem possible that I would be able to sit in the waiting room without turning into a gibbering wreck. As it turned out I was ok - since the part I was dreading was the waiting room it meant that when I got to the waiting room I wasn't waiting for the scary part anymore, it was happening and so I could deal with it. Now, I am in the recovering from surgery stage. Which basically consists of sitting around waiting to be better. ... View more

I had a mastectomy & immediate reconstruction last week. The plastic surgeon said beforehand that he thought he could put the permanent implant straight in without needing an expander as I am quite small breasted. But, it turned out he put in an expander because he didn't have an implant small enough! I feel quite upset & betrayed by this. While there had been the possibility of needing an expander it had been for almost the opposite reason - if there wasn't enough skin to allow the implant to fit initially. The possiblity of the implant being too big was not mentioned. I let them put me to sleep with a certain understanding of what was to happen & they did something different. I now will need to have a second operation which means I have to go through the whole recovery process only to get cut open again & have to recover again. This last operation was supposed to be the last big cancer thing & then I could recover and move on. I don't want to have to do it again. Apparently lots of women having a mastecomy & reconstruction on one side also have the other side enlarged at the same time which makes it easier to match them. But surely I can't be the only one with such small breasts who didn't want to go any bigger? ... View more