December 2016
I understand the anticipation of grief totally. I have been living with it for 3 yrs. for the first year after my husband was diagnosed I was consumed with thoughts on what will I do without him even waking in the middle of the night barely able to breath and then spending hours thinking of it. I have been with my husband since I was 17 and we have been married 48 yrs, we never have time apart except for working and the odd day out with friends. We have run a business together, raised children , travelled, renovated and rebuilt houses and had a very full life . We are devoted to each other and never are short of a conversation. We are each other's best friend and lovers. Therefore a life without him is just unthinkable. It took 12 months before I slowly started to settle down and find a little peace. My husband is very stoic and has maintained his wonderful sense of humour all through this. Our family and friends have been wonderful but we did encounter a couple of friends and even some of my extended family who became very distant with us and we understand some people don't really know how to handle these things. We travelled again after his chemo but only short trips as he had to have his Port flushed and Drs appointments every month...still it's better than none. I have kept busy with the house, garden and my quilting also our Grandchildren bring a lot of joy (we have seven) . Until my husband had the stroke in August he was fairly active doing a few odd jobs around the house and taking our van for a short holiday down the coast. Now he can't drive and that has caused him more angst than anything. His cancer is growing and spreading again and there will be no more treatment so Palliative care has been organised. Now I am back to the worry of what will I do without him and it's starting over again. I think about what our life was like before cancer and feel very sad, since my husband had the stroke it has been very lonely as we don't go out a lot and as his speech is all over the place he feels embarrassed when we do go out. He cannot walk far so we now have a wheelchair . I find by being busy helps me, I sew constantly and garden. I am not worried about finances I have managed that all our married life, a man comes in to mow the lawns, handyman to do odd jobs and most things I am very capable of but it's the living on my own for the first time in my life is what scares me. It's the BIg decisions that scare me and the thought of what happens when I get sick and he isn't there. I have two wonderful sons but they have their own families and careers to worry about even though they have reassured me they will be there for me and they already have been . It's a terrifying feeling but I think to myself many women go through this all the time and they all seem to cope well. It is so good to hear what others are going through and that we are not alone.
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December 2016
December 2016
My husband was diagnosed with this horrible cancer on 23 rd December 2013 . I remember sitting listening to two Drs telling us the bad news and answering my husbands questions with truth and great kindness as our world crumbled around us. I remember the cold feeling I felt inside and the shaking while trying to absorb the words. On the 7th January he started six months of chemo and we planned trips in our caravan while he tolerated this horrible treatment. He was a large man and enjoyed robust health and we both loved to travel, we are Grey Nomads and travelled Australia extensively. While on the chemo he had to be hospitalised for the first few sessions of chemo as it affected his heart. After changing dosages etc it all settled down and the only bad affects he had was with cold. At the end of the six months the Drs told us the tumour in the oesaphagus had shrunk and the lymph nodes as well, but made sure we realised that it was not cured. We took off for 6 weeks on a trip to Qld and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Over the next 2 yrs he enjoyed good health and no growth in the cancer. This year it all changed and he had a heart attack in April and in August a stroke.. The cancer is growing again and because of his health the Drs are not doing anymore treatment and this week he was referred to palliative care. He recovered from the stroke quite well but has some problems with his speech but for him the worst part is he cannot drive. That is the only thing I have heard him complain about in 3 yrs. he is so optimistic and doesn't like to talk too much about the cancer but now that palliative care is involved he is feeling a little out of control. It doesn't help that he lost his best mate of 60 yrs last week after a short battle with a very aggressive skin cancer. I have coped quite well mainly because my husbands optimism and good humour but for the first twelve months I could think of nothing else but losing him. Those feelings have settled down but I still get depressed occassionaly...this week especially. We have enjoyed our family and friends who by the way are angels on earth. We know our time together is limited and we have had 48yrs of happiness but we will strive to get more time. I have learnt that I can be very strong and have taken on roles I would never had done before. I know I am very fortunate that we have had a wonderful life together and we will continue to do so as long as we can. A carers job is very very hard.
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