I understand the anticipation of grief totally. I have been living with it for 3 yrs. for the first year after my husband was diagnosed I was consumed with thoughts on what will I do without him even waking in the middle of the night barely able to breath and then spending hours thinking of it. I have been with my husband since I was 17 and we have been married 48 yrs, we never have time apart except for working and the odd day out with friends. We have run a business together, raised children , travelled, renovated and rebuilt houses and had a very full life . We are devoted to each other and never are short of a conversation. We are each other's best friend and lovers.  Therefore a life without him is just unthinkable. It took 12 months before I slowly started to settle down and  find a little peace. My husband is very stoic and has maintained his wonderful sense of humour all through this. Our family and friends have been wonderful but we did encounter a couple of friends and even some of my extended family who became very distant with us and we understand some people don't really know how to handle these things. We travelled again after his chemo but only short trips as he had to have his Port flushed and Drs appointments every month...still it's better than none.  I have kept busy with the house, garden and my quilting also our Grandchildren bring a lot of joy (we have seven) . Until my husband had the stroke in August he was fairly active doing a few odd jobs around the house and taking our van for a short holiday down the coast. Now he can't drive  and that has caused him more angst than anything. His cancer is growing and spreading again and there will be no more treatment so Palliative care has been organised. Now I am back to the worry of what will I do without him and it's starting over again. I think about what our life was like before cancer and feel very sad, since my husband had the stroke it has been very lonely as we don't go out a lot and as his speech is all over the place he feels embarrassed when we do go out. He cannot walk far so we now have a wheelchair . I find by being busy  helps me, I sew constantly and garden. I am not worried about finances  I have managed that all our married life, a man comes in to mow the lawns, handyman to do odd jobs and most things I am very capable of but it's the living on my own for the first time in my life is what scares me. It's the BIg decisions that scare me and the thought of what happens when I get sick and he isn't there. I have two wonderful sons but they have their own families and careers to worry about even though they have reassured me they will be there for me and they already have been . It's a terrifying feeling but I think to myself many women go through this all the time and they all seem to cope well. It is so good to hear what others are going through and that we are not alone. ... View more