Hi Samex You have captured what so may of us feel. We may look the same on the outside, but we have changed. The shadow is not my metaphor - I first heard of it from Jamie McKenzie in a List Server group that I used to belong to, but I suspect it predates him. It was used in a paper a couple of years later describing a Swedish study of men who instead of being treated were being closely monitored - watchful waiting. I just find it apt. My metaphor is that of a monster trying to break out of the room and sometimes all you seem to be doing is nailing planks across the doorway to try and stop the monster getting out and overwhelming you. I suspect however, that the jigsaw will never go back together as we are changed irrevocably and can never return to what we were - we are on a quest to find our new selves and the new normal, and in some ways that can be quite exciting. Well done Samex. Cheers Sailor So when storm clouds come sailing across your blue ocean Hold fast to your dreaming for all that you’re worth For as long as there are dreamers there will always be sailors Bringing back their bright treasures from the corners of earth. Eric Bogle, Safe in the Harbour ... View more

Hi Mrs Elton Yes it is boring when you are on the receiving end - just lying there, held in place, not moving while the machine hovers above you and doe it's thing. In my brighter moments I used to imagine it was a monstrous pterodactyl hovering over me to see if I would make a meal or not. Other times when the imagination was not working it was just a machine doing its' thing. The greatest excitement occurred if it broke down - then all sorts of people appeared out of the woodwork. There are some good book out there that tell children about cancer - because my memory is screwed I can't remember what they are, but the cancer helpline people 13 11 20, can advise. The Cancer Council NSW has some good information at http://www.cancercouncil.com.au/editorial.asp?pageid=275. This site also has some great information - I can't find it from the home page, maybe Emma or Kate can help here. But if you Google children and cancer it comes up at http://www.cancerconnections.com.au/?q=content/talking-children-about-cancer. Cheers Sailor A tourist remains an outsider throughout his visit; but a sailor is part of the local scene from the moment he arrives. Anne Davison 

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Hi Charmaine and Smilesonly Two issues here. For a while now you have been in a routine that involves going in for chemo and that is coming to an end, so it is a time of transition and transitions are uncomfortable for all of us. The second issue is the fear of the cancer returning - the shadow that lives with all of us. If you talk to people twenty years after successful treatment, they will say that it is still there. I watched an SBS insight program on cancer a couple of years ago and the former Australian cricketer Simon O'Donnell commented that there was never a day when he didn't think about his cancer. He called it the life sentence of cancer. I believe that was twenty years after treatment for Hodgkins lymphoma. But it doesn't have to dominate our lives, it can be confined to a very small area of our mind, and generally over time it will. To help to get to that stage it might be helpful to talk to someone about this. Use the cancer helpline 13 11 20. Talk to your treating team and ask to see a social worker or a psychologist. Talk to your GP and ask to arrange to see a psychologist under the medicare program. Believe me it helps. Cheers Sailor I keep sailing on in this middle passage. I am sailing into the wind and the dark. But I am doing my best to keep my boat steady and my sails full. Arthur Ashe ... View more

Hi Cats Have a great party for the double five. Party as if there will be tomorrow, but start planning for the 60th. I hope you are fully terpsichorean - that is delight in dancing. I am not sure what a jellicle moon is, I assume a full moon, unfortunately it is not one tonight, will a waxing moon do? Cheers Sailor Jellicle Cats come out tonight, Jellicle Cats come one come all: The Jellicle Moon is shining bright-- Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball. Jellicle Cats are white and black, Jellicle Cats are of moderate size; Jellicles jump like a jumping-jack, Jellicle Cats have moonlit eyes. They're quiet enough in the morning hours, They're quiet enough in the afternoon, Reserving their terpsichorean powers To dance by the light of the Jellicle Moon. ... View more

Hi Cats Wisdom is not an attribute that I ascribe to myself. I have some information and experience and I am happy to share those. I would quote my favourite poet T S Eliot: Where is the Life we have lost in living? Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information? That is from his 'Choruses from "The Rock" - I would commend it to anyone. If you do want a description of me, then I would use one from TSE again, this time from Prufrock: No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant lord, one that will do To swell a progress, start a scene or two, Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, Deferential, glad to be of use, Politic, cautious, and meticulous; Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; At times, indeed, almost ridiculous — Almost, at times, the Fool. Cheers Sailor Any fool can carry on, but a wise man knows how to shorten sail in time. Joseph Conrad ... View more

Hi Cats Responding to your post of last night. An older friend of mine once told me the story of a person he met who had been through the war in Europe. Twice he had been on a train to a death camp and twice something happened to the train and it hadn't got there. As a soldier he had been in a burial squad and buried thousands of people. He had been through other nameless horrors. The advice he had given to my friend was to live each day as if it was a new day, a special day, one that you didn't expect to have. Not bad advice! Another friend who is a specialist cancer nurse once commented to me that 'we are very good at making people look well' - and they are. We can feel terrible, yet all these people tell us how well we look. Occasionally we feel well and that can last for a while - make the most of it. One of the things with a cancer diagnosis, or other major illness, is that it destroy our illusions of immortality. No longer can we behave as if we are going to be around for ever. For some of us the time we think we will be around contracts to a fairly short horizon. In my case I generally have a two year horizon and don't take on projects that are much longer and I have lived with that for a few years now. Recently, I have been feeling well enough to expand that out a bit, and besides with two 8 month old grandsons I want them to be able to remember what a grandad is. Another friend of mine was given a few weeks to live and managed a few months - she did say she felt a fraud at times - but she used the time to go through and write down for her family the history of the things she had kept and were important to her across a couple of marriages and a lots of moves. So shop a lot, if you get tired take time out. Enjoy Christmas as if there will be no more and have a great party, whilst hoping that there will be a few more. Look after yourself and take care Cheers Sailor The steeple clock, perched up above the houses, emerging from beneath another of the countless ripples in the tide of time that regularly roll and break on the eternal shore, is greyly visible, like a stone beacon, recording how the sea flows on; Charles Dickens, Dombey and Son ... View more

G'day Cats I had not heard about the healing power of a cat's purr, but I do know about studies that show stroking cats reduces blood pressure. I remind my gentle giant that this is his true purpose in life, to reduce my blood pressure, but he remains unimpressed. Just enjoys the stroking. He is always waiting for me when I get up in the night, but fortunately not ten times. The worst I got was six times, then I got prescribed medication. Gives you a bit of a dry mputh, but now it is usually only two times a night, sometimes three, but sometimes only once. Cheers Sailor Prevention is, as in other aspects of seamanship, better than cure. Sir Robin Knox-Johnston
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Hi Willow Yes it does take a while to find the new normal, but there are a lot of people out thee who do understand and have been through it. Get in touch with Cacner connect at 13 11 20 and ask to talk with someone who has been through the same treatments as yourself. Talk to one of the people on the helpline. There are others on this site who have had the same experiences - just wait until they have time to respond. It was a really good idea to write down the questions you had, and yes I've been through writing them down and then not looking at then in the consultation and feeling a fool afterwards. Don;t be afraid to write to your oncologist and say, I meant to ask these questions. Oncologists are human and do know that patients are like this. Next consultation, with your surgeon, see if you can get another person to go with you - give them the list of questions. Yep - your brain is all messed up - that is one of the side effects of all this treatment and it does take a while for that to reduce a bit and for you to feel like you can manage basic thinking again. I never use the coping word. A few years ago my oncoclogist made the remark that I appeared to be coping - my response was that I was not coping but I was managing - I was in control, and that has become a mantra with me - not coping but managing. Try and work out each day how you can be in control. You heads messed up, so write down things you need to do - keep a pencil and paper handy. Keep a box of tissues handy so you can have a good cry of you feel you want to. Do little things to pamper yourself and make you feel good - it is all part of managing thing terriblel thing we are going through. Take care Sailor Have you ever been at sea in a dense fog, when it seemed as if a tangible white darkness shut you in and the great ship, tense and anxious, groped her way toward the shore with plummet and sounding-line, and you waited with beating heart for something to happen I was like that ship before my education began, only I was without compass or sounding line, and no way of knowing how near the harbor was. 'Light Give me light' was the wordless cry of my soul, and the light of love shone on me in that very hour. Helen Keller ... View more