New to this forum  New to 'cancer' as a 'cancer patient'  New to this fear , anxiety and feeling of detachment.  I have removed myelf from FB and all social activities - I said i never wanted to join the 'cancer club' no disrespect to anyone but here i am .    I live iwth my mother after just losing my aunt, my beautiful father suddenly of a brain tumour  my 2 girlfriends and now its my turn .    This just feels surreal.    I feel alone  I feel targeted by some  twisted  and cruel God    Even my mother dosent get it .. i have bad days .. today was one so i joined this forum and read a few posts as it seems we do get it.    until you are here  .. and i was the supprortive one but until you are 'here' its a totally different world and its alone , scarey , and i just wanted to say i dont want to die but i dont want to live waiting to die either.    my cancer is incurable i have been given 10 yeasr  NHL i just finished chemo and reponded to treatment .. but i cant help but think until when ???   im in a bad place and now considering the anti depressants    i have been in my pjs since diagnosis last sept.      ... View more