February 2020
1 Kudo
Traci-Renee - like the original poster, I don't know all the particulars of your situation and can only go off what you've mentioned, my own experiences and what I've found in my own research. Apologies ahead of a time if I hit any nerves or I post stuff that you've already seen - the following post comes from a desire to hopefully support an awesome Italian girl. 🙂 I understand the thinking of letting your children have as much of as a normal life as possible but wouldn't it nicer (especially for the older ones) to ease them into it by getting their support with things like helping with more jobs around the house which could also help ease your burden? Another advantage could be that they could feel like they're contributing to the situation. In anycase, I've included one of the cancer council documents which I hope might be of use to you (if you haven't seen already 🙂 ) At the very least - it might be worth sitting down and having a discussion with them on how they might like to help out and contribute? https://www.cancercouncil.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/UC-pub-Talking-to-Kids-CAN737-DEC-2018-1.pdf Mostly I'm just shocked by your psychologist - it is horrifying to me that they'd expect you to shoulder all of this. Apologies but it might be worth perhaps getting a second opinion ? It wouldn't matter to me if you were Wonder woman herself - no one should have to shoulder the weight of the world. I'm including a link to a carer's website/call number and hope that it might be of more help to you . https://counselling.carergateway.gov.au/s/ https://www.findacarer.com.au/ - is one of a few websites on helping find carers that can help you. Perhaps so you could at least have a night off once a week? Carers like yourself deserve to have a life outside of cancer too! Please make no mistake - I am in no way saying how you're doing things is wrong but I'm fearful of the harm that it's doing to you and things that are important to you like your relationships with your children. I hope that you might consider perhaps thinking of other methods and solutions which may hopefully lead to you to a better situation than your current one. Regardless of anything, please know that you have my admiration and respect. Your family is lucky to have you! All the best for the future. No matter what, please know you have my full support as I can feel that the majority of what you do is from a place of love for those around you.
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February 2020
2 Kudos
My thanks and your post as well was lovely too, Traci-Renee 😃 Your own situation sounds pretty tough. I don't mean to pry but are you getting time-off from it so so you can have a break? Any other family members or friends pitching in? It sounds like you're the only carer which is extremely admirable but you deserve support too! Glad that you're not being in tricked into thinking that you're in the wrong during arguments.
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February 2020
2 Kudos
You're an extremely wonderful person to love your partner so deeply that you'd put up with such a situation but please remember someone else that deserves your love even more than he does - you. Focus on showing all that fantastic love to looking after yourself because it's very clear that none of them will. Do what you need to do. Plan it out so you can do it safely and without causing you to become homeless then implement it. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Leave. They will beg, lie, plead, guilt-trip, gas-light you and promise heaven and earth to keep you but let's review the facts. 1. Your partner has a family that can support and care for him through this awful time. It doesn't have to be you as his carer. 2. They don't respond to any efforts that you've made to communicate and solve issues. Why would they even do so if you say you're leaving especially given all that's already happened? 3. They've burned you up to such a point that you've had a major panic attack. It won't be easy but please do it. You are in an abusive situation and you deserve better. Don't let your partner and his family cut you off from your friends and family. Don't let them make you their slave or their 'savior'. They will hate you for leaving but they've really given you no choice. If there's one statement that I hope you take away from this, it's this - cancer does NOT excuse shitty behavior. Here's a link to lifeline. They have services and hopefully you can maybe talk to someone a bit more about how to proceed. https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/get-help-home Good luck to you - even if you decide not to go ahead with this, I hope you at least find ways to focus on showing yourself the care you deserve and telling your partner and his family to piss off. In anycase, I'll keep an eye out for your posts. I'm cheering for you regardless of whatever you choose as long as it makes you happy! 😃
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February 2020
Fuck cancer. Fuck cancer. Fuck cancer. Fuck cancer. Now that I've gotten a little bit of my anger out for the situation you're in, I'll try and offer some advice. Not all cancers are the same and not all cancer stories end the same way. It may turn out that the biopsy reveals that it's a more treatable/curable one in an earlier stage. Regardless - I think it might be worth seeking support in the form of a psychologist or such. You've said it yourself - you're going through an extremely hard point in your life and there is no shame in seeking support off the bat before anything progresses. My mother is currently stage 4 and receiving treatment - she's a big part of my life also so I feel I can understand at the very least a bit of what you're going through. I think (like I've been), you're looking for some reassurance on how to survive if things go south. These are the things that I've learned on the way of my own journey through all this bullshittery - with any luck, you might find some value in this. Reach out to people and establish a support network for yourself. I've had cases where I've cried on the phone to other family members as well as friends and they've just listened in for a good 10 or so minutes. It's not much but even the little things they do help and make you feel less alone. It helps remind you of all the people that care and love you too. Certainly my mother knows that I'm rather distressed (which is putting it lightly!) about the situation she's in and we do talk about it but at the end of the day - I'd rather try and focus time with her doing happy-ish things (even if it's something like watching a new episode of a netflix series) Do try and establish a sense of normality for yourself (keep up a hobby) but also try and establish a sense of normality when you're with your mother too. Don't try and be happy happy all the time but a great way of supporting my mother has been doing stuff like netflix and just enjoying each other's company. Even if it is cancer - it does not kill overnight - you still have time with your mother. Find ways to enjoy it! Take photos, videos and have a good time as much as you can while maintaining/balancing that with your own life. If she does get bad results back as my mother did, another thing to do is research and staying alert. Doctors want patients helped and cured but sometimes don't take into account how medications can affect different people or alternatively natural medicines can which act as a complementary treatment (AKA - how do the medicines affect quality of life?) . One of the reasons I'm on these forums is because I originally came here looking for information and knowledge as a way of 'doing something' I now stay mostly because one of the things my parents have imparted in me is a sense of 'help others' so I try and honor that by being here. Hope this helps a little bit and wishing you and your mother all the best. Keep us posted - there are others on these forums too but everyone visits at different times 🙂
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February 2020
For what it's worth, you really do sound like you're doing all that you can possibly do. The only other thing I can really think of is nutrition - if you're good at cooking, home cooking especially with good anti-cancer foods is always a plus 🙂 As for having fun with your friends when she's not there.... it's incredibly difficult but truly do try and find a way to enjoy yourself. I don't expect miracles from you as I also find it really difficult to enjoy things with the shadow of cancer seemingly looming over my family and I. But honestly - it has helped me to include things that aren't related to it and it might for you also. In my case, I started an online course - only 5 minutes every day or so because of my own feelings/turmoil but after a week and a bit, I am not feeling so awful about it and actually beginning to enjoy it. That being said, this approach may not be for you but do please do give it an honest shot! (Just make sure to take it slow and easy. In the case of friends, maybe a quick 30 minute catch up?) Or if it seems too much of an ask, perhaps consider maybe seeing a psychologist for yourself to help you find a balance between dealing with your gf cancer and your own life. There is no shame in it!! Mental issues are as important as physical issues and should be treated as such. 🙂 Either way, wishing you plenty of luck and good fortune.
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January 2020
Good to hear from you and it sounds like you’ve got this stuff done pat. To enquire further about your father - has he been offered a speech therapist or cognitive rehabilitation? Here’s a link that might help with more information. https://www.cancervic.org.au/cancer-information/types-of-cancer/brain_tumour/coping_with_a_brain_tumour.html The wonderful thing about speech therapists is that they might be able to help find another way/system for him to communicate with . However if you’ve already tried that, please disregard this. 🙂 Thanks also for the warm wishes. Hope you get some good fortune in your searches.
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January 2020
Hi! Seeing someone could help your mother though depends if she's open to the idea. Another thing could be to see if you or someone else could offer to look after your dad for half a day and give your mum a chance to other things as well. As for the verbally abusive - it may be one of his current medications causing it and I'd suggest researching them and their side effects as well as seeing if there's an alternative and asking the doc. In the case of myself (and a few others that I've see online) - we discovered that dexamethasone causes a lot of people to get angry on it. However that being said - it might be a fear of what's to possibly come that has your father acting as he is. Becoming aware of our own mortality and how much time we have left is not a fun thing to go through - it might also be worth seeing if there's perhaps someone your dad could talk to as well. Again - talking to the doctor is probably a good step and making it clear that you're interested in palliative care for being a main focus. Hope this helps. Good luck to you and yours
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January 2020
You and your girlfriend sound like wonderful people to care so much about each other. Unfortunately, you'll probably not be able to make her feel normal/better or such every time and you know what? This is entirely okay and you are not a bad person or partner to her. Just being there and letting her feel whatever emotions she's going through but letting her know how much you love and support her regardless is utterly fine. I'm sure it won't feel like it is but it truly does helps. Do you guys have other things that you can do with each other such as Netflix (the happier stuff the better!), board games and crosswords as examples? It's been a great help to my family and I as the worst part of cancer for us is finding a sense of normality or 'comfort zone'. Going on that - to ease potentially her own fears of what you'll be like if she doesn't survive, try and have a life outside of her and her treatment if you can. The added bonus is that you'll have something more to talk with her about - even if it's something as your dinner with your parents and letting her know what they've been up to or silly moments during the day that made you smile. Helping her keep connections (when she wants to) will no doubt help her lots also. If you're not able to have family or friends visit or vice versa, perhaps see if your hospital or such offers support groups for people with and/or affected by cancer. It's really important that you both know that you're not alone. 🙂 As a complete random question though, has she had any blood tests and such to check her levels? Done exercise? Has hobbies to amuse herself with? Has she had much sun/outside? I'm not saying all doctors but my current experience is that doctors don't seem to consider complementary treatments/therapies with the medical treatments that they implement. It is amazing and horrifying what can happen to people that end up spending their days cramped inside with shitty food. Just some things to think about in any case - if you get a chance, do google 'complementary cancer treatments' Hope this helps and best of luck to you and yours 🙂
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January 2020
All hospitals pretty much follow the same sort of procedures/treatments for care which have worked the most successful for previous patients. That being said - it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion from another doctor/oncologist or such if something doesn't sit right with you. Has the doctor done a biopsy/test for genetic mutations on the cancer yet? Potentially your dad might be a candidate for immunotherapy which at the very least can help even the odds against cancer a bit. Also has the doctor recommended a particular diet to perhaps take that might be easier on his liver for the time being? Some questions that I find helpful to ask if "What are the potential side effects of this and can they be treated?" and most importantly "How will this affect his quality of life?" It can help to keep a notebook and record questions, information, symptoms, research that you might want to do (and always make sure to check it with other credible resources!). Something to hopefully get you started if you should choose to : General Resources. https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/custom/page/page-id/cancer-information-and-support My mother and I are currently enjoying looking through a book called "Cancer Survival Strategies by Dr Sandra Cabot" which you might find useful . (Though if you do, confirm with the doctor/oncologist that doing any particular things mentioned in the book won't interfere with his treatments!) But really? Just be there for him and your family. Let him know that you're there to support him but also do things like tell him about your day and anything else that may be of interest. Keep him in the loop and keep him connected when he's feeling up to it. Most importantly though - look after yourself too and don't overdo it. Seek help if things get too rough (nothing wrong with needing back up!) and let yourself go through any emotions that you may have. They're all the right emotions to have because they're your emotions. Wishing you and your dad all the best.
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January 2020
1 Kudo
The fear of death and the pain from treatment can make people behave badly - if you get a chance, check out the forum post titled “how to cope with anger”. A lot of carers describing their own situations with loved ones being... hard. As for your situation - I would advise to do what’s best for you and then work out how to do that in a kind manner (but being aware that there may be pain/hurt as a result regardless) For example - if you decided to stay with him, then perhaps organise 2 days a week where you guys spend away from each other? He could stay with his family during that time? But basically a chance for you both to breathe. Or another option if you decide to leave and he has no other carers available - look into options of getting paid help and discuss with him /his family before you leave. This being said - I don’t know your situation so if you feel that you need to leave immediately then do that. The fact you’re on here seeking advice suggests that you are a good human being and that if you felt that you needed to go that route - it would be because of a very good reason. He may be going through a lot but YOU count too! Good luck!
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