It's true that you can be most alone in a crowd. I was lucky enough to be in a private room throughout my treatments but for the actual chemo days I was in a big room with lots of very sick and very old people. I just shut down mentally, I felt so out of place and alone. I wore this one bonds hoodie every chemo day so I could pull the hood over my eyes, put my headphones on, and hide for 10 hours. It's amazing what you said about staff confusing you for visitors because I think that totally sums up what happened to me/us all? - "What the hell am I doing here??? There must be a mistake". I appreciate you writing about your experiences. I just read a message from your Amanda earlier and I'm stunned by what you've both been dealt. Your patient-only tea n coffee comment is so funny because it's so true. I think we all should have kept a book of quotes of the ridiculous things people said/say, to help us laugh at it :) ... View more

Hi Steve, Just had to say that your reply to Harker's post came through my inbox this week and I had to respond to one point you made. The way you described your experience walking under the oncology sign hit me so hard. My time with lymphoma and treatment is pretty blurry in patches, but nothing will erase from my mind the memory of having to wait for a nurse whilst standing under a huge oncology sign. It was before I was diagnosed, I was waiting for a bone marrow biopsy. I knew I was very sick but absolutely freaked out when I read what I was standing under. I wanted to scream that I didn't belong there, that I wasn't old, wasn't ready to die, etc. etc. I felt terrified and trapped. When the poor nurse tried to insert a line into my hand my veins had all but run away funnily enough, they sedated me in the end. Will never forget the finality of that sign. On the funny (??) side, when I did land on the chemo ward a week later, they were smart enough to call the ward 'acacia' instead of oncology. Not sure what wattle trees have to do with being poisoned half to death to escape death, but anyway... It means so much to me to see others understand because they've had similar experiences. Thank you, best wishes, Michelle ... View more

Hi, my name's Michelle and this is the first time I've logged on to this site, or anything like it. Reading what you wrote made me burst into tears! I can't believe others have had similar experiences to me. I'm 2.5 years clear from lymphoma (I'm 32) and let's just say that all the old cliches about having your world rocked, rug pulled out from under you, etc. etc. didn't even come close to describing how undone I felt. And I'm still struggling with it all, even though I look really well and together on the outside (having my hair back helps with the whole 'normal' look, I'm sure). I feel so lost. ... View more