His Beautiful Blue Eyes Closed!

[Deni_55]

Kevin passed away 28th Nov 2012! It was very peaceful. He took a seizure Th 22Nov whilst having Avastin ( no known connection). Would try again. Was admitted to hospital and transferred to Monash Clayton. The Asphagia and I guess the brain cancer made it difficult for him to communicate and he couldn't stand on his own. I didn't know how I would manage him at home if he couldn't stand to get from the bed to the wheelchair etc. I didn't need to worry as later that day he took a seizure from which he did not really recover consciousness or whatever level he was at. On the Tues morn I received a phone call from the Dr saying that he had pneumonia and nothing more to be done except oxygen and morphine. I stayed with him Tuesday and Tuesday night as did his Mother. I spoke regularly to him, giving him my love and permission to leave and to take my heart with him as his heart would remain with me. Wed morning when his niece arrived, I spoke to him passing my love, telling him he was not alone and was safe and that I would be going home briefly to see to our cats and get some things and for him to do whatever he needed to. I knew what he was going to do. After I had been at home, his niece called to say he was deteriorating. I asked her to tell him I was on my way back but not to wait for me. When I got there, he had passed peacefully with his niece holding his hand and face. His breathing had clamed down and when she said my name he took a deep breath, she passed on my words and he took 3 slow breaths, shed a tear and left us. I was not upset about not being there as that is how it was just meant to be. As I was leaving I said to him silently "You little bugger, you are going to leave when I go." Our journey is over and we are both beginning new journeys. I hope his had not been difficult like mine. Our Bhuddist Monk advised me not to analyse the situation and just let it be and for me to feel the relief for me and him. This was hard to practice and makes sense now. Though it is S##t!!. I feel I am only starting to turn the corner. The anguish, hurt, pain, recriminations has been unbelievable. Everything I see, touch, hear, feel etc is al about Kevin and what he would have liked/hated, said,felt, done. Thank god for patient family and friends who can tolerate the verbal diarrhoea. The shoulder heaving sobbing and crying out "why aren't you here?" "where are you?" "please just come back" has slowly been subsiding to a calmer place. I am grieving for Kevin, the sad times in his life, and the change in our relationship as I get used to his presence in my life being a very different presence, now that the physical is no more. I am also grieving for being single again. We were together for 13years which included many happy and troubled times, and there was always love. He was always there for me to lean on and make everything ok. I am slowly clearing out his things from his office which brought back good and sad memories. It had been quite cathartic though. I started taking some of his clothes (the ones he didn't wear much) to the op shop. I can say today I feel stronger. I have made some decisions on my own that he may not agree with but they suit me as a sinlge woman such as the garden. I have to make it low maintenance. I'm sure he won't mind. I am attending a workshop in Canberra in Feb and had to book the accomodation as 1 Adult not 2 etc. I have kept an almost daily journal of the grieving process as I did our conversations in recent times and things he wanted to tell me as I am afraid I will forget. I heard an interesting remark by Judi Dench in her role as Evelyn in "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel." "There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws." How very apt. I have found this (which I heard only today) as most comforting. Hugs to you all!!!

[harker]

Wow. Deni 55 that is a truly beautiful piece of writing. Well done for getting it down the way you did. I found it uplifting in all sorts of ways, too many to go into here. I guess that's the value of good writing. The reader can take it where they want to. I'll do that but I'll say "thank you" first. H

[rarsie]

Oh Denni that is so beautiful, what I take with me through losing Kep is I am a different and better person, I think you have to look for something to replace what you have lost. I have thrown myself into raising money as I had done so before but now its so much more important and intense and keeps me occupied as I dont work and live in a small community. The hardest things to cope with are the last week of Kep's life (him been so disabled)those memories are still very vivid and hurts so much my baby become a baby all over again Heres hoping you are still doing ok Regards rarsie

[maddie86]

hey thank you for your lovely message to my post... its comforting knowing that you know how i feel and that it can get better... you are right talking to friends and family and just venting away is the best thing! my husband passed away when i went to brush my teeth! i just thought 'really? you couldnt wait!?'... but ive heard that our loved ones do wait until we are not there to witness their death... xoxoxo

[Deni_55]

Thanks Maddie, Hang in there. It does get a little easier and you do become stronger. It is very "up" and "down." I feel I have turned the corner and yet still have those heart wrenching moments. This morning still felt strong and more in control and took a relative for a drive to a place where Kevin and I spent some healing time (probably more me). We had a lovely lunch and all good until I decided to drive past where I stayed after his funeral. There is a cutting in the dirt road with a beautiful, big, strong tree (just like Kevin) and I used to lean against it and feel its healing power. Also hoping he would miraculously appear like the tree. So that did it. I got through the day, but had a mini meltdown when I got home so had to busy myself. This is a big improvement from last week where I would have been inconsoleable and not able to move for about 2 hours. Crying, sobbing and calling out to them feels horrible at the time, then when it stops I usually feel a bit empowered. On the lighter side: As I said, I went home to do a few things like get some clothes (staying at hospital), toiletries, see the cats and have a shower. Is this a hygeine issue??? If i'm not being intrusive, how old was your husband and how long ago was his diagnosis? You don't have to answer. Keep on being!!!Lots of love...Denise

[Deni_55]

Thanks Harker. you are very, very welcome. I guess we all find our "helpers" in each other and in our own way. Deni

[Deni_55]

Thanks Rarsie, Yes, still doing ok. Had a mini meltdown today instead of a major one. I think I am now grieving for less grief in my life as i come to terms with my loss, and it can't be changed. Sometimes when I feel strong and in control, I get scared that I will forget how I feel so sad about Kevin's passing. It just has to be allowed to disperse into the universe. At the moment I am still clinging a little bit to the grief. I'm glad you are throwing yourself into helping others. I haven't quite found my "replacement" yet. I know it will come. Watching your baby become a baby again must have been heart wrenching. The hardest thing for me was watching Kevin's intellectual demise more so than the physical. For a grown man he coped and complied with me helping him toilet and shower. He accepted the wheelchair without complaint as well. He was trying to make it easier for me and in doing so, I think he realised it was close to time for him to go. He was saying goodbye to his mates. After he died, one of them told me how he said he was over it. He was a very practical man so this would not have suited him. I don't blame him at all. Just miss him as we all do. Keep up the good work...I'm not sure if living in a small community means you are close and supported or a bit lonely. Try to remember the radiance you shared with Kep. Lots of love and hugs....Deni