I thought I was making some progress with my dad's cancer and was trying to feel as positive as he seems to be. Although I really think he is trying to be strong for me and prepare me for when the time comes. His morphein dose has been doubled today and he has been given even more tablets for nausea but when I ask him about pain/nausea he just says tablets are in case he does feel sick. I really don't know what to think. I am back to where I was weeks ago although now I think I realise he may not have much time. I just can't sleep- through the day I talk to him on phone and try to keep myself occupied( even though I have been in hospital last few days) but night times is the worst. That is when all my fears kick in and I wonder "how the hell am I going to go on without my best friend?" I know I need rest but it eludes me at the moment. Is it normal to feel like this?
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Contributor
Hi there Chris Martin, I think most people on this site can relate to late at night, early in the morning being the worst time of day - for me its 2am. If you read a lot of peoples blogs or replies are often posted around then - we are here for you. I think you are not distracted by the everyday goingson at this time, so your mind can wander to the places where you don't want it to go. It is only natural at this time that you would be scared for your dad and yourself. This is a really tough journey - and a scary one. You don't have to do it alone. My best advice - and I think everyone on this site would agree is to contact the Cancer Council. You can get some one on one counselling - either on the phone or face to face to talk these things through (it is amazing how much it helps!) and once you get it off your chest how much easier it is to sleep! or a social worker at your dad's hospital may be able to help. Otherwise keep blogging and talking - everyone here knows exactly what you are going through - whether we are patients, carers or have lost someone that we love. The worst thing is to go it alone. It is amazing, but until my life was turned upside down, I never noticed how many songs sing about 2am ...........once you start to listen to some lyrics, there are a lot of them out there - just one thing that I have found helpful. The Cancer Council or your GP can help you with relaxation techniques etc or something a little bit stronger for sleep - if you are getting to the point where you havent slept for days - you want be able to help your dad if you get too strung out - we have all been there. Take care, Nicole I know that whenever I have been on morphine, I also get nausea, so the tablets are for sideffects - if that helps.
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Hi chris I have spoken to you a while ago about my Dad having being my best friend so I am certainly with you. Take the advice of contacting the Cancer Council helpline - I did it alone and when Dad died I came crashing down big time and ended up in hospital. To see the person you love suffering and knowing that there is nothing you can do to alleviate the pain is so horrible and when it is only you seemingly doing all the worrying and not sleeping it makes things even worse - doesn't it. If only I had known about support services for cancer patients and their families - just talking is what I would have needed and wanted and maybe I would have coped better with some support. Please chris don't do it alone anymore get help for you - you will cope better for it. My thoughts are definitely with you. A little something I just remembered - I visited Dad every day as did my sister and her boyfriend, but before he was admitted to hospital it was only me at home looking after and talking to Dad day and night - I was prescribed anti-depressants - they may have worked if I hadn't washed them down with copious quantities of alcohol - big mistake - apparently I was self-medicating so I wouldn't get upset with Dad - that contributed to my hospital admittance!! I can understand your frustration with your brothers - like a head in the sand mentality - I experienced that with my sister on more than one occasion - I could have strangled her. The day before Dad died I was sitting at work hoping I was paying everyone their correct salaries- people dropping in asking about overtime and meal breaks etc then I had the weirdest feeling - still can't explain it, but I rang Cabrini and they said Dad was deteriorating. I was there 1/2hr later and Dad was in agony, the morphine was no longer working. I had known something was wrong but my sister who I had immediately rung to meet me there ,just brushed off my (premonition)- I really needed that!! Sorry chris if this is upsetting you but I think it is a bit of a let go for me writing this; I never had bereavement counselling or any type of counselling and I have been carrying this around for a few months short of 20 years! Dad did pass away in the early hours of the following morning - 6/6/1990. As I feel with you - your Dad will always be with you - as my Dad has always been with me and I truly believe this - I have to! I just wish he had some sort of power to get rid of my cancer - if he could, he WOULD! Take care and don't be sad - our Dad's would want us to remember the good times.
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Hi Nicole and Cats. Thank you guys so much for your kind words and advice. Yes I have been in touch with Cancer Council and only this morning had a 1hr phone interview and now I will receive 5x ihr phone sessions with a pshchologist over next few months. I really feel this will help but I also think when the time does come all that counselling will go out the window wnd I won't cope as I am not a strong person as all my strength has always come from my dad.And Cats please don't think you have upset me as when I read all these comments they give me that little bit of strength and Nicole I have found some lovely music that I can play when I go to bed as that may help me get even a few hours sleep. Fingers crossed dad will be down here next week for 12 days and we can have more special times together - I am still trying to convince him to come live with me but I won't push him!!! You all take care Chris
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