How do you deal with the situation?

[i_t]

As each day passes, I see my mum's health gone from bad to worst. My heart ache but somehow at times, my brain suppresses and blocks it out. I cry when I'm alone (driving home from work especially) I'm starting to pull myself away from meeting or seeing my friends. I refuse to talk about it with any of my friends because I know that any comfort words would not make me feel better. Is this normal? I am so scared at the thoughts of losing her. Am I handling the situation right? I'm scared that I'm not dealing with it or worst, in denial about it.

[vinouche]

Hello, There is no right way or wrong way to deal with this, there is YOUR way. Whatever you do that helps you cope with it all. People need different amounts of time for the enormity of it all to sink in. My son was in denial for 4 months, I think he now is starting to cope. It may be that you need some time to yourself to come to terms with it. Be gentle on yourself and look after yourself so you can be there for your mum when she needs you. The Cancer Council might be able to help you with some couselling. I find some things people tell me become quite irritating even if they mean well, such as: you look so good, you are strong, fight it and you'll get better. I don't need to be told to fight it, I am not strong, and I certainly do not feel I look good, so when I hear that I just agree and change the subject. People don't know what to say becuase they can't know what we feel, so they are awkward around us. Hopefully you can find one friend/ relative you can talk to openly and who will offer their shoulder with no questions asked. I wish you all the best. S

[Jules2]

Hi i_t When i was diagnosed this time with cancer it has been particularly hard on my mother. We have talked about it and she said that she felt helpless because she couldnt do anything to help me. Now i am 51, but to her i am her daughter and i guess you never give up on being a parent. It was different again for my son and i think he buried his head a bit and still does. My brother is another story ... he is burying his head big time and doesnt cope. As vinouche has said, we all cope in different ways and there are things in place if you felt you wanted to go outside the family circle to have someone to talk to. This site for one is great for people to unload and you can meet some fantastic people here. Julie

[i_t]

Thanks for the reply vinouche and Jules2. Feels good to talk to someone who is on the same boat as me. I'm 23 and I am clueless about all the feelings and emotions that I have been feeling. My mum has been doing chemotherapy for a year now and nothing seems to work. I always manage to shield myself from the bad news (every doctor visits). But I can't shield myself from seeing the disappointments in her eyes. She tries to hide it but I know she cries when she's alone and that's the thing that I find very heartbreaking. And I feel like reality is catching up with me and staring me right in the face. She's becoming so fragile and her kidney starting to fail and it's harder for me to avoid or ignore it. I just finally broke down and realised I need help outside of my circle of friends and family. A place where I can vent and rant without making anyone feeling confused, awkward or upset. So thank you. 🙂

[Jules2]

Hiya i_t You are a couple of years older than my son. 🙂 It sounds like it has been a tough road for you and your mum! It is hard for us to face something that we dont want to happen. It is natural to cry and as a surgeon once said to me "you have a right to cry and you have something to cry about". I think i would worry more about someone that was going on the cancer trip that didn't cry. The cc has a help line if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone anonymously, sometimes that helps because we dont like to worry those closest to us. We all do understand here so vent and rant away. Sharing is good for us all, we all get something from it - it makes us feel normal in a not so normal situation! Julie

[vinouche]

As Julie said, You do have something to cry about, and crying releases stress, which in the end helps us cope with the vicissitudes of life. I nursed my mum through cancer, we were very close,and we shared an enormous amount of cuddles before she went. She is still here with me in my heart, helping me now as I helped her.Cherish and treasure the times good or bad that you have left, and most of all, show her your love. Big cyber hug S

[chris_martin]

Hi there.I hate to say that I know how you feel as I don't think anyone can say that. I am on a horrible journey with my 83yr old dad who has oesophageus cancer and who is rapidly going downhill and it makes it worse for me as he lives so far away. We are picking him up in 2 weeks to come and stay with me but his friends are warning me that he has lost so much weight. But I will be so happy to just have him here.I too am scared of losing my dad as he has always been my rock and has gotten me through so many things. Even now if I have a little drama I know I can ring him and then I am fine.I also think I am in denial and sometimes think"no he will always be here" but deep down I know that's not true. I really urge you to contact Cancer Council and get councillor help. I have a lady who rings me every week and I can't stress enough how much she has helped me. My heart really goes out to you as you are so young- I am 59 and everyone says to me" well he is old and you have to expect it" but he is still my dad and I love him. Take care of yourself and keep in touch with this site and contact cancer council xoxo Chris