I am scared

[CATS]

These are going to be the ramblings of a very scared woman who, when spoke of her fear was 'reassured' that there was nothing to worry about and that everything would be fine!. On Friday I have my first CT Scan since starting chemotherapy on 20 October.I have experienced the occasional pain in my stomach and liver, but this morning I had very severe pain in my stomach and I vomited - the first time in 3 months. Being a little stressed by this, my mind started to imagine the most horrible and worrying things that could be happening-the chemo is not working, the chemo was working now it isn't, my Oncologist told me it was aggressive and very advanced - it was too far gone to do anything about it. Common sense tells me that if that was the case, they would not have given me chemo (right?). I am quite disappointed in myself for thinking this way - I really am a positive, happy person and I am forever allaying the fears of my family - yes I feel really great!! really..! Night time is the bad time - laying in bed, all is quiet, then the thoughts and memories of what has brought me here take over. A charming 'friend' told me about cats in nursing homes. The residents all had cats and if a cat disappeared, then the nurses knew that patient was about to die!! Now, sometimes when my cat does not sleep with me, I start to panic-thank you 'friend'- stupid bloody thing to tell someone ! I have finished waffling, I just hope my little girl purrs me to sleep tonight!

[Sailor]

Dear Cats I do hope that your friend purrs you to sleep tonight. I would also not worry about the anecdotes from nursing homes. I had an acquaintance who died a couple of years ago from advanced prostate cancer. His cat realised that it was uncomfortable for him to be on the bed, so for the last week sat on the window ledge of the bed room and wouldn't leave except to eat or scratch a hole. Don't feel that you have to be positive all the time - it is very easy to, in the words of another friend of mine, get trapped in the prison of the positive. Don't be afraid to let them know that you are scared and have fears for yourself. Night time is a bad time if you can't sleep. Try to develop a routine to help you sleep. Take some advise on what you can do. Consider getting some medical advice - I'm not thinking sedatives or sleeping pills here! As I need anti-histamines for hayfever, I find that one of the older type that does make you drowsy is great going to bed at night - helps with the hayfever as well! Also remember, that stress does affect the stomach and if you are stressed out as you have just had a scan and await the results ----? You take care. Cheers Sailor At night, when the sky is full of stars and the sea is still you get the wonderful sensation that you are floating in space. Natalie Wood

[Jules2]

Hiya Cats Fear is such a horrid thing for any of us to go through. Being diagnosed with cancer elicits this feeling at times. It is natural and normal to feel that way!! It is really hard when our logic tells us one thing and the little fear fairy sitting on the other shoulder tells us another. I hope you dont get too many nights where you are struggling. Sailor is right re stress and how it can affect our bodies. Plus our minds are very, very, very powerful things and they can lead us in all directions. I think the trick is to harness the power and make it work for you! Pffft to your friend re the cat. Cats are cats and make up their own minds what and who they wish to associate with. Or should that be who they deign to be around? lol I love cats too and i hope yours purred you off to sleep. Thinking of you. Juliexo

[CATS]

Sailor, regardless of your belief that you are not wise, as I once wrote that you are, thank you once again for your kind sentiments. I am rather superstitious when it comes to animals, so I tend to believe (most) of what I hear. It always gives me a shiver when I see a cat seeing what I cannot see. (Anon)

[CATS]

Thanks Jules , you are so right, a cat is a cat, she decides where and when and who she deigns to be with. To both you and Sailor she did finally arrive on my bed at some stage during the night and did what she and I delight in her doing -p u r r !!! Yes our minds are very powerful - I am really going to try and de-stress - gee an unstressed member of my family - that will be a first! You and Sailor take care too - you are both wonderful meeow x

[samex]

Hi Cats, Ditto what the others have said. Fear seems to be part and parcel of this situation in which we find ourselves. I am fearful evry time I have a slight sense of nausea - I'm sure that the cancer has gone to my liver. Totally irrational. I stressed myself out so much at Christmas that I deleved into the chemo drug box and found the maxalons! It fixed the nausea and I enjoyed Chrissy. I only have a wee small doggy rather than a cat but she snores to sleep beside me at times and is only the size of a cat so I substitute. Hope you are feeling better and getting some sleep - take care and cuddle the cat. S

[CATS]

Hi Samex, thanks for your reassuring words - yes everyone is scared to a degree, I've just got to make sure that I don't let it overwhelm me. I read your profile - you have the same as me, but you mentioned a worry about your liver. That is my biggest worry - I have 14 tumors that is why I am on Avastin also - I neglected to put a few things in my profile - I didn't want to show off!!! The surgeons took out my ovaries and 12 lymph nodes- all cancerous and all because my Grandfather's side of the family had THE gene!! In the words of our esteemed writing friend "can I swear on this site?" %ox!!&/?=+ That was my cat swearing for me. Yes I will cuddle my cat and you can cuddle your little snoring dog. Take care meeeow

[samex]

Hi Ctas, I just worry(irrationally) about my liver - all I have there is a cyst and I had hepatitus 40 odd years ago. I have no valid reason to be worried. I also have a family history of bowel cancer but the genetic counsellor didn't thnk that mine was connected to the gene.just unlucky. I need to follow that up next time I see oncologist (March). I think dogs and cats swear very effectively! Take it easy and eat chocolate. S

[CATS]

Hi everyone- thank you for your words of reassurance. I should change the subject to "I am confused". I had my 3 weekly attack on my cancer cells today - feel - absolutely rotten - funny about that. I received the results of my scans that I was obsessing over. I feel as though I should be running around shouting for joy - but I am not sure. If anyone can help me that would be much appreciated - as we all agree, no one is judged on this site. Thank goodness because I feel as though I will come across as selfish and stupid! On 10 August 2009 I had abdominal scans done - diagnosis - large mass enveloping bowel, ovaries and liver. Oncology diagnosis - advanced and aggressive. I have since had 7cm of bowel removed, both ovaries and lymph nodes - all cancerous and my liver, inoperable due to numerous tumours! Today I was told that there has been no change in my scans and to continue chemo. My dilemma is : why are the scans exactly the same even after my operation? I am so happy that more cancer has not been found - ecstatic actually, but am I missing something???

[CATS]

Hi to everyone who read my obsessive, worrying blog. My fears of last night when I asked for some assistance in understanding my scan results were caused by total panic. My mind has been playing little tricks on me - can't concentrate, too many thoughts racing around madly, no time to stop and take it easy. This has resulted in my being ill since Christmas and living in a self inflicted hell. As I discovered today, through a very kind and patient friend, my scans haven't changed because NO MORE CANCER HAS GROWN!!! I have had the cancerous parts cut out and nothing has replaced them. Thank God. Yes I now feel like shouting for joy. The tumors on my liver have neither grown nor shrunk - so the chemo is working and I have just started my 5th cycle = 3 months of treatment, so I am still in early stage of treatment. I have now realised(sometimes takes a while),that it is extremely detrimental to my mental and physical health worrying/panicking as I have been doing and I need to learn to calm my mind. I think I will try meditation. Thank you for whoever has taken the time to read this and my pets are glad to 'have ME back'. Thank you whoever reads this, for taking the time.

[samex]

Glad that you are feeling better Cats. I had a facial after my 6th round of treatment at the half way mark. My friend is a beauty therapist person and she was lovely. She is so kind that she even treated me to a pedicure after the facial. A wonderful friend! The yucky part was that I had it all booked in but had to postpone it a week because my white cell count was too low and I couldn't have treatment that week! I had to wait another week but I was determined that it was my half way treat. Take it easy, S PS I did Yoga with a wonderful teacher who had 3 cancer patients in the class. It was my saviour.

[Sailor]

Hi CATS Glad that your pets have the real you back. I think can hear the purring from hear. Your reaction is quite a normal one and there is no need for an apology. We have all been there. It is really great news that the chemo is working - celebrate. cheers Sailor But, blind or lame or sick or sound We follow that which flies before: We know the merry world is round, And we may sail for evermore. Tennyson, The Voyage